Happy time is over
SD was in other city for a month and she will come back tomorrow.
I'm stressed. Even hearing her voice come through the door make me feel sick. I get nervous, DH get nervous, even my cat runs away when she comes to us. I don't know how should i act tomorrow. DH wants me to hug her and tell her i missed you, but i didnt. We had the best time ever when she was not here, why should i miss this child? What happened to me? I used to like children, but i dont anymore. This is not SDs fault, i know this is my husbands fault, i told her a few years ago dont bring you rchild 24 hours to our home and our life but he didnt. Step by step i start to hate SD, because i felt she ruined our relation with being there all the time. I'm afraid. I know from tomorrow my home wont be my home anymore, i feel like stranger in my own home that i pay for everything. I start to waste my time at work to go home as late as possible, waste my time in shops, even have a lonegr bath to avoid them. Oh god i really need help. This amount of stress make me really sick.
Disengage from her. That
Disengage from her. That doesn't mean ignoring her, simply be courteous and cordial. It doesn't matter what your SO wants, don't pretend. Be polite but not false. Leave her father to do it all.
Ignoring her
I wake up in the morning for example, she ia awake before us making noise and laugh with the stupid tiktok on her phone (if i have a kid tiktok will be forbidden for my kid) anyway not my problem, she looks at me and even not saying good morning. I dont either. I cant be courteous and cordial then. I just ignore her, like she is not there. I come tired from work for peace, i see the neighbours kid is at my home and they sit on my canape, i get mad and i ignore them again. I just cant winter...
She is rude, she is not clean, she doesnt wash her hands, i even dont like to keep her hands, they are always dirty, her hair smells, i get shower everyday, her mom doesnt care about all these. I dont care too. I dont tell her go wash yourself. I dont want her she use our bath or my shampoo either. I simply cant stand her, im sorry but she was TOO MUCH in our life in past years and im done seeing her.
So her parents are failing
So her parents are failing her big time.
You can insist on hand-washing, showering, etc. because it's your home and you are paying for it. Never forget that. And don't let your SO forget it either. Ask him why he doesn't love his daughter enough to teach her how to be a decent, clean human being because he isn't doing his job as a parent - he's letting her run feral.
quietly tell her dad "hon, I
quietly tell her dad "hon, I don't want to embarass her but her odor is horrible and I think you need to do something about her lack of good hygene." then the next day "honey I'm worried that she'll get her feelings hurt by the other kids if she doesn't take care of her smell" and do it every day "honey her smell is getting worse" "honey she is starting to smell like she's rotting" etc.. Not to her, put it where it belongs on her parent.
Yep.. if you approach as if
Yep.. if you approach as if you are being helpful.. it is often taken better than just picking at her.
But.. in the end.. if this guy doesn't care enough about his wife or if his wife doesn't feel she can be open to her husband on her needs.. what is really the point?
He just get mad at me
He just get mad at me everytime i start to talk about SD, he yell at me that you hate her, you ignore her, you dont want her. Maybe he is a bit right that i ignore her too much, but they didnt leave me another option.
So we really cant talk about this without fight....
so yeah.. not a great
so yeah.. not a great relationship if you can't have calm discussions is it? again.. she is a symptom.. he is the problem
Then all you can do is walk
Then all you can do is walk away and not be near her. Let him handle her needs, her wants, her everything.
You can tell DH
I don't like your DD. Because one, two , three.. she smells,,, she.
Nothing wrong with hating SD
Why are you so committed to
Why are you so committed to staying with this man? You pay for everything. You rent your home. You're not married.
Do you think this man is the best you can get? There are better partners. You'd be better off single without all of this stress, learning your worth and how to love yourself.
No i dont think he is the
No i dont think he is the best i can get at all. Actually im aware of everything.
You will get angry if i say we loved and still love each other.... *boredom*
No one is angry that you love
No one is angry that you love your husband..
BUT.. we can also tell you that LOVE is not enough.. and your husband does not treat you like he loves you.. it seems very one sided.. he only "loves" you when it is convenient and easy.. when it is difficult.. he is quick to get angry.. he doesn't support you.. he pushes his daughter on you.. does that sound like a loving partner and husband? no.
so.. unfortunately.. you are probably a bit in the dark about what real love means.
Nothing wrong with love. I'm
Nothing wrong with love. I'm a big fan of it, I enjoy it myself. But to quote some fool on tv "love don't pay the bills" you do. you pay the bills, you do almost everything and you know what? that's great as long as you are happy and not resentful. Only you know the answer to that. Are you happy? Are you fine with the status quo right now? If your answers are yes and yes, then I am glad you found what your happy place.
I am sad...
I am sad...
If your husband was sad..
If your husband was sad.. would you do something to make him happier?
You know there are possible solutions.. key among them is that he goes to work so they can afford to pay for other caregiving... or pay his EX so she doesn't have to work such long hours to make her bills.
The other things.. like him not teaching his child manners.. hygiene?.. those are literally things he could do for FREE and he won't do that .. even though it would benefit his child AND you? pfft.. he sets the bar very low in what he will do for "love".
Your blame is misplaced. This
Your blame is misplaced. This is on your husband, not his child. It's up to HIM to make sure she's hygienic, well behaved and likeable. Sure, the BM has a lot of influence, but her father needs to step up, too. This doesn't sound like a sustainable relationship in the long term if you can't even talk to your husband about SD without a fight. Love isn't enough.
It is the Skid's fault. At least in part.
At some point, Skids choose their behaviors, become old enough to know right from wrong. Hense, it is their fault.
Regardless, establishing and enforcing standards of behavior and performance that will be required of kids in your home is the key to preserving your own wellbeing.
So, set and inforce the standards, and keep DH in line to enforce the behavioral standards. If he won't you do it and he can lock his lips and have your back.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
I agree, that if OP is the
I agree, that if OP is the only "adult" in the home (the only one working and paying the bills), she ought to just go Queen Bitch mode and say it's her way or the highway. SD cleans up behind herself. SD goes to bed at a reasonable time. SD hangs out in her room as opposed to monopolizing the common space. DH keeps the house clean and cooks if he won't work. Worst case they leave, and would that be so bad? But - idk what country OP is in. I want to say it's Kazakhstan (sp?), so, there may be cultural issues at play.
DH always cooks and also
DH always cooks and also clean, and i clean always too, i usually dont cook. We are in Turkey.
I am the cook in our marriage.
My career tends to be more fixed schedule than my DW's is. She has various tax seasons throughouth the year and during peak times she works 60+ hrs/wk. I generally work 50-55/wk year around. So, I cook dinner the overwhelming majority of the time. I am looking for my next opportunity. DW has been the only income for the past almost 2mos. So, on top of cooking, I do the grocery shopping. We both do our own laundry and we both do basic house cleaning. Though I do the kitchen as part of my chef duties.
I am glad that there is some balance in your marriage.
How is DH's job hunt coming along?
Did you say how old she is?
You didn't say how old she is but I'm telling you from experience it goes on and on and on.
Hi, SD is 11 years old. A
Hi, SD is 11 years old. A teen, not a baby.