No, not the same sh*t again...
Hi everyone, its been a while i didnt write here... My last post was when the SD and MB moved to the other part of city, so we had SD just on weekends. She went to the school near their home, and SD was living with her mom and grandmom. So they didnt pay for rent and etc. This week i found out that SM rent a home just close to ours again. I went crazy. Dh started to work after 5 years. Its 2 weeks he started to work. He also went there to see the home, and he didnt tell something about me, actually he kind of hide it... Because he knows i said never accept them to come to our home area. SM has no money, Dh has no money and just started to work. he is not paying for our own home rent for years and years. now i found out he asked from his boss to pay him their first rent so he gave it to SM to rent the home. I am getting heart attack from anger. I had a fight with DH. I am crying for days. I am quite sure our life is started to get ruined again. From the moment they move here we are done. The problems will start again. I cant handle this anymore. And today i heared SM will start to work just accross my work place and a few shops away from my husband. Dh is saying what can i do, i cant stop her, she can rent home whereever she wants or work where she wants. I am not goingto see her or something, the only thing makes me happy is to see my daughter everyday. I cant even breath. I cant see SM and SD every single day. I cant do it anymore. I hate all of them. My life is HELL AGAIN.
He’s not paying CS
When you married someone with children, They have to pay CS. If he didn't work for five years ? How did he live. ?
You must understand your DH responsibilities. Maybe this is not the life for you. Maybe it's time to cut and run.
Based on previous posts, this
Based on previous posts, this is not the life for anyone.
PB, take back your life. Your
PB, take back your life. Your H will never stop trampling on your boundaries. That and he acts like he has two wives. Gave his paycheck to his ex? NO! Enough of letting him make your life hell. Take it back.
Ok PB, when are you going to
Ok PB, when are you going to take your life in hand? We sympathize but we can't help you if you won't help yourself... You hold all the cards, you are the only one with a regular income. Get the heck out of Dodge. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get angry, get mad and stay mad! Stop letting this leech pump your hard-earned cash into his base needs.
He has found a source of cash in you and is not going to let go. Stand up for yourself.
Please
Can any one advise what can i do in this situation apart of just leave or walk away or run? Please...
I need your help, we don't want to separate from DH, i just need to know what can i do in this position? I need your advice, for example should i make some rules? SD can come to our home just 2 days a week or ? Dh you can't let BM gets in to my car or, i don't want you bring SD to school with my car.
I need you... I dont have any one else to talk.
Just cried all night last night i couldnt even breath.
My heart beat is so high and i dont feel good, i think very soon i'll get a heart attach and i'm 30.
Please help me.
From what you've told us in
From what you've told us in this and other posts, you can make as many rules as you want, draw as many hard boundaries as you like, but your husband is a world-class boundary stomper who puts his ex-wife and his daughter ahead of you and so will probably completely ignore anything you put in place.
Tell me, please, why are you so determined to hang on to this man?
My advice is to start putting
My advice is to start putting financial requirements to your husband. A husband who pays nothing and helps in nothing at home is not a husband just a toy boy
Idc how old or ugly or desperate you are or how many kids he has or you have, he needs to pay the rent and all bills since he has extra money to spend on his BMs rent
Hi
Well, that's kind of right. Because i told him to tell MB to not to move any where near to our house or our work place. But they did. In maybe 2 weeks they will move 10 minutes from us, even maybe less. Any rules i put he doesn't listen. All the thing he says is I dont give a f... about the ex, the only thing i care is my daughter. I miss her, i need to be more in her life and school life, i dont feel like a good dad when she is so far. But i really cant stand SD every day, thats almost impossible for me. I dont say i hate her, but i dont want her in my life all the time.
I dont know what to say, well i love him (now i get a bit cold from him though)
He is my first man, and we are together for many years...
I dont know what to say...
" I dont give a f... about
" I dont give a f... about the ex, the only thing i care is my daughter."
Unnfortunately, in order to please his daughter he lets her mother walk all over him ... He may not care about her but he will bend over backwards for her.
So let me get this straight..
So let me get this straight....Your husband has not contributed to household bills or paid the rent for 5 years. Then he gets a job and an advance to pay his BM1 rent so she can move closer?
And he does not seem to feel bad or care
If you have the hard evidence that he paid her rent and he is still not paying anything in your house, KICK HIM OUT.
The problem of BM and SD moving closer is not even relevant and he is right, they can move wherever they want to (unfortunately) but the money being injected into another household while you are doing it all on your own
What is keeping you with him? Financial support is key to survival. Sorry but that is my red line. Not saying your husband has to be rich or afford you a luxurious lifestyle but paying rent and household necessities are key. If he has ANY money, it should go towards your survival
I dont mean to put any ideas but if he pays her rent and is happy about her moving closer, he is probably doing more than just "helping"....Men dont pay womens rents just for the hell of it
100% this!
Yet I think the response will still be "but what should I do to set boundaries" So I guess an answer could be: get therapy asap so you can learn to set boundaries and have support in making decisions.
Sometimes its deeper than
Sometimes its deeper than what they are going through. The relationship is probably rooted in trauma bonding. The poster says he was her first man in her life ever in all ways....I think she has the burden of trying to make it work because he was her first....
I think she wont get out of the relationship. He will be leaving her first (if she loses her job to provide for him or if she becomes sick and a burden on him)
He is definitely sleeping with the BM and paying her rent, no ifs and buts about it smh
Run, leave, change the locks, buy a big hungry
Protective dog. Whatever it takes to keep them all away from you and keep them out of your life. At some point, purging your life of this piece of shit non man and his failed family is all that is left to do.
Or, keep making yourself miserable by not ending them as part of your life.
Your choice. Though if you do not take action, the fact is, nothing will change.
You are young. Do you want 40+ more years of this crap ruining your life and consuming your youth?
I can only echo what Rags
I can only echo what Rags said. Life is too short to live with such misery. Imagine the life you could have if you kicked this leech to the kerb... No more SD or BM in your life, a home where you can be happy, a life where you can go to work without worrying about having someone else's child calling the shots, only paying for things that make your life better... Why do you want to be unhappy because of things you have no control over?
He won't change and you can't make him change so either you accept this situation as it is or you decide that you're worth so much more and you go and talk to a lawyer...
IS Dh required to pay child
IS Dh required to pay child support? Court Ordered? who pays the child support, you? I don't mean who gives the money over to bm but where DOES the child support money come from?
Who pays the house bills? Rent, mortgage? Since DH has not worked in 5 years, did you pay all the bills? Where did that money come from?
Do you have a car, maybe two? Who pays the insurance. Since DH hasn't worked in 5 years, did you pay it? Where did THAT money come from?
Did you and DH agree that he would not work in any capacity that would generate income ?
All on me
Hi,
DH didnt pay for child support for years, but we said to BM that we do the shopping SD needs for school or the food she eats. As BM was living with her mom they could kind of handle it. But now with the new home expensive rent I'm not sure who and how is going to be paid. Sm says i need to work, soon she will work too but I will not accept to look after Sd who is almost 11. She should stay in their new home alone after school until her mom come home otherwise they should stay in granny's home. They are really stupid. All the time their decisions are just stupid, they dont think about tomorrow. They just see what they need today. I told DH that after this I wont help even 1 cent. You were even not honest to tell me about the new home, I found it out myself. So you go and solve the money or rent issues urself. Specially that they earn money in summer not in the winter! I'm not surprised their life is like a shit and they made mine the same too. Yes I bought a car a few months ago. I am working full time in the same company for years and I saved. What do you mean where is the car money from?
Anyways I think I regret myself about the car now. It's getting me to even more problems now.
My friends say oh god, your husbands character is just horrible, if you did all these things in years for someone else, they would treat you like a queen now.
I said to myself oh yes I feel like a quin too!
A lonely queen, who is crying in shower, in bed, everyday.
A queen who feels worthless, always like second because the first one is SD!
Believe me SD is not a bad child, they made me hate her, otherwise I would even maybe liked her.
I just have my cat and my dog in my life, they watch me crying and trust me they understand everything.
PB, I believe the questions about the car and money is to make a
point. You are supporting yourself, your SO, and his failed family. He ... is a POS doing nothing.
Stop. Cut him and them loose.
Stop torturing yourself and willingly being their victim. You seem commited to continually sacrificing yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to your SO and his failed family.
Why continue to do that. Let him and them starve and you get on with your life.
Please. Help yourself.
Good luck.
If you truly can't leave, for
If you truly can't leave, for whatever reason, the only way to have change is to demand it. I don't know if you are at risk of violence from your husband or your family if you don't "fall in line." You live in Turkey, right? Idk what it's like there. If that's the case, idk what to tell you. But if you are safe, you could try taking a hard line and if your husband goes along, great. If not, maybe he will leave you (and would that be so bad?)
You could start with demanding a custody schedule. Pick what you can handle (SD every other weekend and maybe a day or two on the opposite week?). The schedule must be followed unless emergency. That way you will be able to mentally prepare yourself for her visits and maybe plan things so you aren't home as much when she is present. A set custody schedule is, to me, crucial for a stepparent so that BM isn't controlling the flow of who is in and out of your household based on her convenience. In addition, when SD is in your home there are boundaries. She doesn't come in your bedroom. She respects and listens to you and cleans up after herself.
Second - your husband must do the work of parenting SD. All of it. Anything outside what you would normally do for yourself or your husband including extra cooking or cleaning up.
Third - finances. You no longer financially support your entire household. Your DH contributes enough to cover his and SD's expenses. Anything he gives BM is in addition to that. Better yet, if he doesn't already, he gets a legal document that spells out custody and child support. This takes BM's power away when it comes to witholding the kid and he won't feel like he has to do everything BM says. Also - no car. Didn't you say he uses your car and has even had BM in it? Yeah, if he needs a car he can get one or ask you every time and you get to say who he rolls around in it.
The above is, IMO, minimum standards for what you should need to tolerate your marriage as far as step related situations. If he doesn't uphold them, stop doing anything for him. No money, no sex, no cooking for him. I normally wouldn't recommend withholding sex in a relationship but if you just won't or can't leave, well.
Or, you could just leave. You should. Just leave. If you can, please do.
I would get individual
I would get individual counseling, both to develop coping tools and to examine why you stay in a relationship that is not good for you.
Listen to your friends. Your
Listen to your friends. Your SD is not your responsibility. Your husband should be shouldering his share of the costs (SD is NOT your responsibility) and not checking counting on you to pay his way. Open a new bank account, consult a lawyer, and leave this profiteering leech of a husband that you have. I cannot imagine that life without him could possibly be worse than life with him.
I'm so sorry you're going through this
But one way to stop the roller coaster of pain you're in is to drop the knife...and by that I mean leave DH.
I hear nothing that makes me think this man is a good husband to you.
You're paying for everything for 5 years, then he starts working and immediately hands the money over for BM? He'll to the no.
He should contribute to his child's needs, but that should be in legal documents and his responsibility.
If he can't afford his own expenses that makes him your man-child, not husband. I'm sorry, but no.
BM can live wherever she wants, but he doesn't have to pay for it.