Has anyone disengaged and made it last and your marriage survived?
I really am dreading my skids coming back this Saturday from a 6 week stay with BM and 1 week with DH's parents. I used to want to desperately help them, now I could give a crap if they turn into white trash like their mom- she can have them for all I care. Thing is, DH loves them and as much as he gets frustrated by them, he knows it's the right thing to do having them live with us. So, if I disengage and just let him deal with them and do the occasional pick up or drop off when DH can't, can that work? I mean, like others have said, they have a mother and a father and I'm nobody to them but a wallet. Once in a while they hang on me or want attention from me, but they also have bitten me, spit on me, called me names, vandalized my car and the list goes on.
Has anyone used disengagement and had it not hurt their marriage? Skids that went on to be adults that are respectful and recognize that you are not their parent and you are their father's partner?
You might find my blog-post
You might find my blog-post helpful. I just updated it. Also, check the link I posted on there on what it means to disengage. I found it very validating in my own journey. Things are better with our marriage the more I disengage from TM and the skids, and just be his wife.
Thanks, I'll check it out.
Thanks, I'll check it out.
Wow, you said a mouthfull and
Wow, you said a mouthfull and it really hit home for me. My (almost ex) dh married me MOSTLY so he could get custody of his sons. He doesn't deny it. We hadn't been married but a couple of months and he was o)n the phone with a lawyer saying all about how he has this young wife who can help the kids with their homework, blah, blah, blah...and she can take care of them and blah blah blah...
I don't recall that he ever ASKED me if I WANTED that...I was young and s.t.u.p.i.d.
THEN...I got pregnant. Our court date (out of state - 700 miles away) was in May. Baby was due in June. My doctor FORBID me to make that trip, absolutely FORBID it. Dh got FURIOUS and stated that OH YES I WAS GOING - no regard for me or the baby.
Anyway...moot point, I miscarried in December and then of course bm made up the huge LIE that the baby couldn't have belonged to dh anyway because he couldn't have more children. And of course dh, "not wanting to upset his spawn", wouldn't call her out on it, the slimy bastard.
WOW! That is dispicable.
WOW! That is dispicable. What an asshole. You poor thing! I'm glad you're getting out now and see the writing on the wall. What a scumbag.
Yeah. Sad as it all is, I
Yeah. Sad as it all is, I have never been happier in my life. I actually moved out 5 years ago - waited until our kids were grown and self-sufficient (something one of HIS will NEVER be, at the age of 38, but anyway...).
I just got around to filing for divorce in February - it has been a long process and he is very manipulative and controling - in SUBTLE ways...
but it's alllllllllll goooooooood now!!!
LOVE this forum - it is so HEALING!!! And...when I'm not a SM anymore, I suppose I'll have no business coming here anymore - but I'll let you all know when that happens and we can CELEBRATE that I'm not an sm to that PUKE second "thing" of his!!!
Hey, you've experienced
Hey, you've experienced stepmom hell. I'd say you can still hang around and be the Yoda (or one of them) for other moms who come here with similar problems that you had. You can share your experience and I bet a lot of people will take advice from someone who's been there and done that!
Ah, here's the rub: my DH's
Ah, here's the rub: my DH's kids are 11 and almost 7. They still need a "mommy" figure. When I disengaged the first time it became so stressful for him that I reengaged just to make things cool down. He didn't blame me at all, but it was too much for him to be a single parent with kids who have some pretty severe behavioral issues. I really can't stand them and want to check out, let them know they have a mom and can call her anytime and move on but I'm afraid it will wear my husband out to the point he resents me and just stays angry and bitter. He's too good of a person to let white trash BM raise them and turn them into horrible people as adults. I just don't want to deal with it.
Yes. I disengaged but
Yes. I disengaged but remained friendly and even helpful (taught one how to drive) when it felt good to me but not out of some mis-directed duty. I flat turned down my wife's request I help one of them through college but I did relent when the girl screwed up a grant application and I sent her $50? a month for a semester. 20 years ago now.
What you need to do is remain in neutral as life passes you by whenit comes to the kids. Unless they're starting a fire in the living room you let them break the rules. I didn't even tell mom. You'd be amazed how the kid reacts when they realize you don't even care if they screw up. They realize that apparently they could walk backwards towards a cliff and you'd glance up and go back to reading your book.
You see it takes away all their power. If they can't get a rise out of you they can't leverage it into something they want even if that want is to irritate you.
Have you read this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Yup! I don't have the up
Yup! I don't have the up arrows thingy, but what he said.
I'm still figuring this
I'm still figuring this disengagement thing out too. I think it's working for me, and at least I don't resent the kid as much anymore. Like yesterday I saw the dog chewing on ss15's headphone's and I just ignored it b/c he left them out so he needs to know I am not always going to pick up after him. This morning I heard him asking his dad for new ones and dh was telling him firmly to pick up after himself bla bla bla. I just walked away and smiled inwardly to myself! Not my prob! Now ss15 has to "earn" new ones by doing chores for me (dh's idea) for a week. I am not the bad guy and I lucked out with getting a little "bi&#h" for the week! So it's working for me in some ways and keeps dh and I from arguing! Not my kid, not my prob. DH pretty much disengages from my boys and when he does interfer, I say, they're my problem not yours and he stops. Oh,and when I cook something ss15 doesn't like I just ignore and let him make top ramen later. I used to stress out but not anymore, just more for the rest of us! My boys always love my cooking! I wrote a few days ago about the boys eating my supper ingredients and someone suggested buying enough for each day. It's working!!
AS you've discovered almost
AS you've discovered almost all of it is mind-set. Once you learn that YOUR world will not be upset by their failings and successes you can just leave it alone. I think you're on your way.
I agree with the mindset
I agree with the mindset thing. I also know that my DH will fail if I don't take care of some things when it comes to his kids. I can't just say "do it yourself" all the time because he moved to my state at my insistance so he has no real support here but me. I feel like I have to step in sometimes to help out or he'll fry. For example, my parents (well, my mom because my dad's pretty disengaged) are watching the skids for the week so we can work. SDalmost7 threw a gigantic fit last night about going to bed and then today ran away from my mom at the zoo. She said she nearly had a heart attack because she couldn't find SD for at least a half hour. (shoul've mentioned to her I'd be fine with her leaving her, but...)I met them at the zoo where SD has now ruined 4 of the last visits and offered to take SD home and drop her off in the a.m. My mother always says, "no I can handle it". This afternoon, she hesitated for one minute before giving me the little heathen and taking SS11 to have a good rest of his day. So now I'm going to add two hours to my commute tomorrow because I feel like sparing my sweet mom who just had surgery last week from this demon spawn. So in certain ways I feel like I have to be involved.