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Have the SKs Changed Your Mind About Wanting Your Own Children?

inwayovermyhead's picture

Submitted by inwayovermyhead on Tue, 01/08/2013 - 7:11pm

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I used to think that I wanted 2 or 3 children of my own, but after spending time with SKidss and watching BF with the SKids, I seriously question this desire. It is so unbelievably expensive and the time you must spend with them is relentless. I notice that the majority of the time BF spends with SKids, it does not seem like he is really having fun. It's as if they drain him of any spark of life. Then, when they are gone, he is like a renewed, joyful and playful person. I know that he does that mean to be this way, but it is very apparent to me and makes me wonder if I will reflect the same feeling if I were to have kids or if I am just percieving this b/c I am not very fond of the SKids and their BM!! It's like I built the idea of having my own children up so much, that now that I see it in real life I realize that perahps having children is overrated! Anyone else feel this way?

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Tue, 01/08/2013 - 9:05pm

I very much wanted children but it was not to be.

Now as an older person I have to admit that I am so glad that I do not have kids. Many people say "Oh you won't have anyone to take care of you when you get old".

No in today's world it means I won't have to take care of children in my old age. Over and over again I've just seen kids suck and suck the life and money out of their parents.

By the time I was 20 I was helping my parents financially. Now so many children still have their hands out to their parents at 40.

LittlePanda's picture

Submitted by LittlePanda on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 12:12am

Haha..I love that you use the word relentless. That is the exact word that I use frequently for my bio daughter age 9months. Absolutely relentless and draining to the max! I thought SD was draining, and then I had a baby. Of course, babies are different, and her being my bio, I love her and will happily be drained.

But..the truth is, kids are draining and crazy. My husband and I joke that when we have our third, we will both then be walking corpses with all life sucked dry. Dead inside.

Our favorite time is 8:30. That is when SD and BD are both in bed.

I will say that when and if you ever have a bio, it is, of course, different than having a step child. They are just as draining, but, when the child is your own, you don't mind as much...or even at all.

8:30. Just gotta make it to 8:30.

LittlePanda's picture

Submitted by LittlePanda on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 12:18am

Also, I think that sharing children with another household creates a little bit of a different feeling for men. I know that they love their children, but when custody is not full, it often feels like babysitting to them. Fighting habits and behaviors from an unwanted environment. Seeing BM's personality in their children. Obviously this is not standard, but I do think that it is frequent enough in step families.

HarleyQuinn's picture

Submitted by HarleyQuinn on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 2:58am

Little Panda I agree!! my DH loves his kids but finds it SOO hard dealing with them when they visit, tyring to get good habits, manners and attitudes in them EOW is very hard.He is great the first 2 hrs then the rest of the weekend he wishes it away. Its so sad!!
Saying that though, he cannot wait for us to start our own family, he loves me very much and I know I will be great mum, doubted in the past but having skids I can now see that I have a lot to offer a child.

Pinki3663's picture

Submitted by Pinki3663 on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 5:30am

I have never wanted children and certainly never in a million years did I expect that I would have SKIDS! Having them has reaffirmed my decision. My SO doesn't seem to enjoy having them EOW..he is moody and annoyed the entire time. I honestly think he only had his daughter because "that is what you are suppose to do" Basically going with the flow. Sad but true. Hopefully when they are older they can have a friendship of some sort.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 1:32pm

It has opened my eyes a lot. I had never found a guy until DH that I would be willing to have kids with. I see how he has grown in our relationship not only as a man but becoming a better father. I think on this is I am estranged from my father and I saw that DH was on the wrong path with SS as he would see him but he wouldn't completely make it about SS. I was honest about how I felt and now sometimes I have to point out I need attention too besides right before bed but he is good at balancing us.

It does scare me seeing how good of a dad he though, and we actually had the conversation last night where I told him a few of my concerns like "Will he love our child the same" "Will my pregnancy be compared" "Will SS end up hating me and make DH not want the child" these were just a few I expressed and he eased most my fears. Mind you I still have a few but he told me that he knows with me I would have a much safer pregnancy (BM wouldn't stop anything while pregnant [drinking/smoking..etc], and so it would a lot more enjoyable and exciting as she threw a fit because it wasn't the sex she wanted where I just want to bear a child. He also commented on my past of miscarriages and how he wanted to have a at home job [he works offshore] before we tried in case there was complications. There was just many things that now make me want a child...mind you a SM I still have fears but I think it has made me realize I do want a child and I have found a man that I truly want a child with.

inwayovermyhead's picture

Submitted by inwayovermyhead on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 1:51pm

Great Comments! And I appreciate that some of you had the alternative perspective in that being around the SKids actually highlighted everyone YOU had to offer as a Mom. Keekeedee, I love your comment about DD12 outshining the Skids. This shows that the proof is in the pudding and how important parenting is! If I were to have a bio I feel that I would also inadvertantly and secret compare the bio to the SKids! LittlePanda, I will think of you when 8:30pm comes tonight! :O)

smdh's picture

Submitted by smdh on Wed, 01/09/2013 - 6:11pm

I have always wanted kids and I love that I have a son now. It is soooo different. Yes, they're draining, but he is so much fun and so full of love. He is so different from SD. And he is MINE! I can raise him with my values and my expectations.

I want another. At first my dh was concerned that he wouldn't be able to handle another because of all the time involved. I had to remind him that not all kids require as much time and attention as his daughter. It had never occurred to him that our kids might be able to do things without "daaaaadddd, can you help me please" every few minutes. Now we have a toddler and his independence level is already more than SDs so he sees that having another one with me wouldn't be as draining as having 2 more like her!