He treats my kids different

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Hi all, I've posted here in the past about my adult SD and the troubles we've had. Long story short...guilty father syndrome and mini wife when I entered the scene in her teen years. Now as an adult he continues to cater to her delicate feelings and allow her to act like a passive aggressive jerk to everyone, himself included. He literally can't stand up to her and if he does, she quits talking to him for extended periods of time.
All of this background to say that he has little patience with my kids and sometimes will blow up at them for something out of proportion to his anger. The most recent occurance was because we couldn't find an important cable to electronics. He flipped out on my kids and screamed at them, accusing everyone of lying and stealing. This usually happens when I am not around and not able to intervene. My kids were rattled and upset. The cord was found later in a packed box because we are moving.
I will say that he is a loving, kind stepdad to them 99% of the time. But these outburst aren't okay, I know that.
I am having thinking that there isn't a way to fix this. The resentment from him treating the kids differently is eating me up. He would NEVER talk to his daughter this way, or even allow her to see him act like that.
Please steptalk community, advice?

This is very common with

This is very common with steps and you need to call him out directly when he does it.

My DH and I share kids but he treats our kids very differently than he treated SD when she was little.

He is a great and involved dad with our kids but as with yours frustration gets the better of him. I think since we have always seen SD pretty rarely or on a special occasion there wasn't much opportunity for her to behave badly. He would always hear about her being bad from BM but he wouldn't believe it. I have to say it was pretty annoying for him to act like SD was an oppressed little angel when BM was trying to punish her for being bad. There is really only a few times I remember SD having a fit while with us and we were on the way to drop her off to BM's already.

Anyway since he is with our kids all the time he actually has to discipline them unlike with SD who he is never had to discipline.

While frustrated with our kids he started calling them names. He doesn't do this to me or to SD. He's in the military and I know that's how he speaks to his subordinates because that's how the culture is.

I said "why do you think it's okay to call them names? You don't do that to me." And he never did it again.

Most people don't like to be called hypocrites so if you call him out on it hopefully they will sell reflect and stop doing it. And if he doesn't stop then maybe he's just an a$$.

Ask him if he'd have thrown

Ask him if he'd have thrown the same hissy fit if his daughter had been one of the suspects. No? Then don't yell at my kids.

I agree with above responses,

I agree with above responses, but i add that I wouldn't allow DH to be alone with your kids for a while.

Unfortunately this man is not in his

Right mind. To accuse everyone of lying and stealing was not only wrong, buy also inappropriate. To the point that something is screwed up with him. There is no fixing that, maybe with proper medication? Bigger problems is you are still living with him.. doing nothing. He's not going to change with out professional help. You are bringing up your kids in a bad home. Hone life.

'I will say that he is a loving, kind stepdad to them'

Except when he isn't.

'screamed at them, accusing everyone of lying and stealing'

'he continues to ..... allow her to act like a passive aggressive jerk to everyone, himself included'

'he has little patience with my kids and sometimes will blow up at them for something out of proportion to his anger'

So, what is it about this failed man, failed partner, failed father ... asshole.... is so attractive to you?

smh

Sometimes, you get into a

Sometimes, you get into a marriage and the other person puts on a facade. They are so kind, loving, patient. It isn't until you move in, and sometimes even YEARS down the road, the facade fades, and you are left with this ugly person, that is hateful, vengeful, and you realize that everything has been a lie. You think, maybe they are just in a bad mood. or you think, it only happens when XYZ is happening, we can keep that from happening, and everything is fine. And other thoughts include, "Why throw awas years of a happy marriage" or "Can I even afford to move out on my own?" (last one especially after covid hit and changed EVERYTHING, and in certain places the housing market is HIGH while the pay is LOW and job market is FLOODED with everyone working 2 to 3 jobs) There are many reasons why people don't leave unhappy/unhealthy marriages.

Your responsibility is protecting your children first. Time to move on.