Hello. I feel like the evil stepmum
Hiya I'm new here, first day of finding this forum and first post. I have to say that I'm absolutely astounded that so many people think the same thoughts, and love that this forum is a thing. So many other places just shit all over you and make you feel guilty for having feelings.
anyway.... I'm at my wits end. I'm constantly conflicted between "oh she's just a kid" (SD10) and "I really can't stand her" and thinking about leaving my OH for an easier life.
The way her BM parents her has turned her into a right little brat, overcompensating for the lack of actual love and attention that she gets.
I understand that the covid situation is making everyone a bit testy atm, but I feel like this outside of the pandemic and lockdown.
I just can't stand her. Maybe she reminds me of me at that age and it's some weird psychological self hate coming out. I used to be really fun and outgoing and out spoken but since having her in my life I'm focusing on not going crazy all the time. I try and meditate and do all the things you're supposed to, but I can't get rid of this knot in my stomach and the unrelenting anxiety and stomach problems I get when she's mentioned or comes round. :(
We have a 2yo daughter together, and life is bliss, I guess it's just my fault for getting with someone who already had a kid :/ but I wish my OH would help me out in things like discipline, getting engaged with the kids, activities. When she comes over he turns into a zombie on his phone and retreats away and becomes this person I don't know :(
I think he dislikes her as much as I do, so it's really hard to fake the love and like. I've seen the word disengagement... can anyone shed some light on that for me please?
sorry for the ramble I'm just at my wits end and god forbid I talk to my OH about this, his back gets up and we end up arguing.
I dream about running away with my little girl to be on our own but in the middle of a pandemic it's impossible. Arrrgghhhhhh!
Stop doing anything for her,
Stop doing anything for her, she is not your responsibility. Leave him to do all the heavy lifting. Leave for the weekend, if you can. Tell him to step up to the plate and be her father!
Let him know that either he
Let him know that either he picks up the slack and parents SD 100%, and your daughter 50%, or you will perhaps act on your fantasy of finding your own place once the pandemic is over.
Then stop handling all the parenting of SD10, just let her be and he can deal with everything. If he doesn't like that, he can send her back to her mother's.
I don't understand these men who think it's their wife/GF's job to parent THEIR children. Nope.
It's not healthy for any
It's not healthy for any marriage to threaten to leave. Once that is out there, you can't take it back. It's very toxic. I definitely don't suggest it.
Yes tell him he will be taking 100% control over parenting sd. If he doesn't... remind him a few times. Giving him sn ultimatum won't make him do it. If he still doesn't, then you need to leave, obviously he doesn't care enough.
Welcome to the site!
Disengagement can be as little or much as you want. I did it 17 or so years ago and it was the answer for me, although it is not a panacea. I often felt lonely and invisible on the weekends my SDs came over. Thankfully that is all behind me now they are in their mid 20s, but there were times I felt like leaving. Your DH is being a dick if he retreats onto his phone when his daughter comes around. It is his job, not yours, to parent the child.
Thanks so much for all the
Thanks so much for all the replies so quickly, I've always been a massive push over and a doormat, so to speak. So I guess it's time to stand up for myself. I'm autistic so any confrontation is like hell and I've often put myself in shit situations to avoid any form of confrontation, I also have trouble with verbal communication, and get in a right tizzy when I can't find the words. Perhaps a written letter in is order.... thanks again peeps!!!! ❤️
Please don't feel evil!
Please don't feel evil! Distance yourself from her, if she asks you for something ask her to ho tal to her father about it. You have to all yourself this "if i leave how would DH treat my daughter?" But if you HAVE to leave for your own sanity, do it now, so many times i thought about leaving, i probably should have, back when i worked away from home. I run a home daycare, and if i left i wouldn't be able to do it in an apartment. I've been doing this for ask about 7 years now, and with the pandemic not many places are hiring. And i wouldn't even know how to go back to doing something like that, although ive been thinking about it.... sd is going to be 16 in 2 months, and going to be out, is theat going to make life easier when she doesn't come over as much? Maybe? I have no idea... should i just stay? Does it get easier or worse when they are grown? I don't know.
You might find focusing on
You might find focusing on behavior easier to navigate than going with the feelings and of not being able to stand her. Behaviors are both her choice and they are specific demonstrable actions rather than feelings that can be immediately addressed minimizing the feels.
Setting and enforcing clear standards of behavior and performance that will be required of kids in your home and family allows you to mitigate the negative influence of the SD you dislike and gives you a platform for driving your mate to participates rather than abdicating his parenting responsibilities to you.
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a community where you can get support, vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
Take care of you.
It's simple, you stop
It's simple, you stop parenting SD. When she wants something, go ask your father. When she needs something, go ask your father.
If you get the response I do from SD, " but he won't do it." The next response is, I don't know what to tell you, that's your parent. Or my other favorite, well go ask your mother then.
I am much happier. My SKs are still aweful, but all thier backtalk and disrespect is directed at thier parents and not me.