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help! SD, MINI WIFE? RELENTLESS? DO I GIVE UP

Lc891's picture

Hello all. Looking for some advice.. a vent maybe. A little back story for some context. I have a D almost 18 and my partner has a D 16.

My partner and my SD mother parted ways when she was 2 years old and he has always been active. He had another longer term relationship in which SD didnt like his partner and they seemed to do things very separate. 

When we met, SD and i got on, however it was very apparent she was very spolit and my partner and i had spoken about this as it is was and still is very prominent, which he said he understood  and suggested it was properly down to over compsensating and the fact she has never has never in her life faced a consequence.

When we met, i encouraged and even booked things for them to do together, so they still had 1-1 time etc. SD didnt want this, she wanted to do everything as a 4 mostly. Her mother would say SD was happy and enjoyed her time etc. I am 10 years younger than my partner and 7 years younger than her mother and my partner and i noticed a change in her mother and SD when SD would come to visit. She became spiteful and manipulative. In fact, she has always been highly manipulative, my partner has had many discussions with her regarding this and her lack of empathy and story telling.(school also pointed this out) My partner and i thought that maybe her mother had beome negative as she is very controlling and seemed to switch when SD was keen to spend more time with us. My partner thought that with myself being younger and my D being nearer her age that for the first time, SD time with dad had lots more going on in wihch SD wanted to be part of  my partner  thought it was jealousy.

 

Fast forward, reading about mini wife syndrome and sharing this with my partner we recognise these traits. 

The issue i am having, SD has been so challanging this year. I am really frustrated at my partners lack of "doing" in fear of her acting upset wih him. We just had to cancel our trip away of over christmas due to SD behaviour. I said to him it makes me so sad that everyone is always punished for SD behaviour, yet SD never is. Both our summer holidays were ruined because of SD behaviour

She will place herself between he and i at times. She will steer all converstaions back to herself. She will sit and tell stores which are not true, even involving others who are present suggesting they are part of the story. When those present say, that didnt happen, she litreally waves her hand and carries on. Noone knows where tolook at times

If we are doing something she doesnt want to do she will sulk, but the sulk comes with spite directed at me. Even when i am not present.

 We went to take a photo and she looked me up and down, and said "EWW" (she is 16) The sulk, was on day 4 of holiday we went to the beach, her dad wanted to go she didnt want to go not that she voiced this, she just deided to ignore me for the next 48 hours, push past to make sre i cant sit next to her dad blocked me on social media and kept sending photos of herself to her dad who is sat next to me and blowing kisses and linking arms when walking The night before she was dancing with me a the restaurant,  Itcomesout of nowhere 

SD called to say she had bought a mothers day gift and could she have some money to replace the money she just spent, however she had previoulsy said she had bought it and then transpired she hadnt and wasnt going to but wanted money and knew if my partner thought she was getting something for me would  send her some money 

We were in shop and she went to counter with some make up. The assistand said the price, she sais"oh no, ait foe my dad he needs to pay for his" 

SD Facestimes her mum slagging me off when im upstairs so i can hear. I booked tickets for a well known artist for us all, everyone super excited. SD then started to make some strange comments and pushing for us to wear these t shirts. we all preffered a different one and she was becoming moody etc at this. The day of the concert we find out, her mother has booked tickets for the same one same day etc and waering the tshirt SD wanted us to. She said to my partner we should be doing what makes her happy no one else. Her mum lives 4 hours away. She came found us made a big scene of saying hi to SD ignored all of us, felt very strange. 

She says unkind things about me to my own D she says things like your mum is jealous of my mum, my dad is deciding if he going to leave your mum. My partner said he notices if he tells her off if for being rude to him, she takes it out on me. She tells lies, manipulates and she admits she does it, she said she doesnt care. She will try exclude me, then include me. Its like there is so many faces i never know which is real, my partners said he feels the same. There are some really unkind things she has done, whih i dont want to put out here.

I dont ever tell her off, pull her for her behaviour. Even when she has been cruel i have not reacted etc. 

 Her dad said our trip to NY is now cancelled, her answer was to say "you and i can still go"

We are only NOT going because of her behaviour. He seems to lack being honest about this with her. Our relationship has been really tested and i feel this for me is the final straw. There is so much more to which has hapened. My partner last night was upset and said he was so sorry at the damage.I said to him i am upset with him, SD behaviour is not ok but if we are meant to be working through it together doesnt that mean working through it?  SD not facing concquences and everyone else but SD being punished is not working through it. She heads back to mums, he acts like we didnt all go through hell and he says he knows he is doing it and doesnt mean to but its the rest of us paying the price. 

I just want to point out while im sad about my SD behaviour its my partner im angry with. I feel his lack of delivering a concequence is unfair, he, my daughter and i also now miss out on xmas treat we had lanned two weeks before her 18th and on arare mas i get to have my daughter (she has a younger sibling at her dads so last few years she is there and we are all good and love her sister too), SD answer is "ill just go with mum anyway" 

 

I feel as i keep saying we are all being puinished and for nothing. If i decided to step away when she is around am i wrong? will it make mine and partners relationship decline

Sorry for the long winded rant 

Trudie's picture

Why are you allowing your SO to allow his daughter to treat you this way? In reference to your SO, people will treat us the way we allow them to treat us. If he were standing up to his daughter and fighting for you that would be different. Sometimes loving ourself means we make tough decisions. Give it some serious thought, should you leave?

AgedOut's picture

You have more power than you are using.

You have the power to say "I will not take your daughter's nastiness and lies. Since you do nothing but reward and appease her, I will stand up for myself and my daughter" 

You have the abilty to stop planning outings and vacations w/ him since he allows her to ruin them. You can and should take your daughter and do those things. Make those memories, have fun w/out him allowing her to ruin those memories.

You have the ability to demand change. 

You do not have to allow her so much power. You know he will never stand up to her or hold her accountable. You have the power to just say no more. She starts her lies, say "that is not true" and leave the room. She acts up, grab your daughter and head out to lunch/a walk/a movie/etc and leave him to her or her to him. She acts like she's his love, say it's kind of creepy when you and your daughter act like a couple. Ew. then walk away. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You have every right to put snotty manipulative SD in her place.

You are the queen of the castle so play that role.

Your DH is a coward for letting SD get away with treating you poorly. He is more concerned about upsetting SD than you. Turn the tables hun and let DH know this isnt going to fly anymore. Rip him a new one. If he does nothing about correcting SD then rip her a new one. 

Blessings

Harry's picture

SD has no reason to change. You are at the end of your rope already.  You must have the serious talk with your SO.  Telling him this nonsense must stop ASAP.  Or else you are gone.  And mean it. Set golds. In one month x will happen two month y will happen.  Is SD wins no big lost 

Evil4's picture

" You must have the serious talk with your SO.  Telling him this nonsense must stop ASAP.  Or else you are gone.  And mean it."

THIS!!!!

Your problem is with your SO. He will continue to do what he does, which is stand back and allow SD to have all the power, because there is no consequence to him. 

You will have to get to the point that the thought of continuing to live that way is far more soul destroying than the thought of losing your SO. Ask me how I know. 

Also, I need to speak on behalf of your DD. I'm your DD at age 59. When a spoiled bitch gets precedence over your DD, the agony is indescribable. I'm still under-going therapy because I'm still repeating the cycle of being the inferior and less-favoured female whever I go. It's even ruined my career. My dad was the ass and my mum failed me. Not one adult stood up for me or said that I was a good egg. I got sold out. Please don't do this to your DD. Set her up for attracting people in her life who have her back. That starts with you. You have to have your DD's back in this. This whole situation is not good for her. 

BanksiaRose's picture

Thankfully, in my case, the BM is dead, so at least she's not causing any problems, well, not actively anyway. She and every single person in her immediate family had serious psychiatric and physical health issues, all with a strong genetic component, yet, all kept on breeding. She was smart enough to manipulate my SO into believing all those issues can be detected via prenatal screening, which was BS, and that she'll live forever despite her deadly condition, which was also BS. He ended up with two behaviourally disordered, aggressive children on his hands. She never looked after them, and it was that way since birth, because her health needs were more important than rocking a crying baby to sleep. So I can partly understand why they're angry as tweens/teens, although, thankfully never at me for some reason. 
 

Nevertheless, their aggression is constantly bubbling under the surface and erupts several times a day, resulting in them smashing their own belongings up and throwing household items around while roaring. Passers by have come up threatening calling police thinking there was a murder going on, when, in fact, a computer game wasn't going well or one of them wanted to sit in the exact spot as the other one. 
I chose not to live with them, maintaining my own home as safe haven. We got them diagnosed and medicated, but things are still far from perfect. We went on two holidays altogether, and that was enough for me, after the last one resulted in hours of screaming on the way there, nearly getting into an accident, one of them deciding he won't get back into the car (for no reason at all) in one of the highway rest stops, then the other one grazing his knee at playground and making such a scene attracting a bunch of strangers about to scold a neglectful father that wasn't paying any attention to this spectacle, because he was trying to get another kid yelling obscenities into the car so we can go. One of them also smashed up an expensive gaming console (he's not getting a replacement, ever) in rage when the game didn't go well on that holiday. 
 

That really put our relationship to the test for the duration of the holidays, as I couldn't leave. We were out in the sticks with one car. After this, I made it very clear that it's the last holiday all of us been on together, and that going forward SO can continue taking them on his own as before we met - I'll be perfectly happy with that, but that he must make arrangements for him and me to go on our holidays alone - where we want and in the manner we want. Not eating trash food and listening to the kids' obnoxious yelling in an upmarket restaurant that they won't even try to eat anything that's not frozen nuggets from a bag (fresh ones won't do), while also refusing to wear anything but their stained, ragged sportswear and eat with their hands like savages, also sticking them in adults' plates to help themselves to whatever they liked the look of.

Now these are all their mothers' family's genes and perfectly acceptable there, where everyone lives on welfare. My SO and I like nice things, nice places and good manners. I don't know how their mother's family's values got passed on since she died when they were toddlers, and their maternal family are too self-absorbed to spend any time with them. 
 

Anyway, I won't ever allow them to live in my house and we won't be going on holidays playing happy families. I am courteous with them and set hard rules when they visit, and do my best to keep communication to a minimum when in their house. This seems to work. If my SO needs occasional help with them, I'll do it for him, but won't lose my sleep over outcomes. Once I've acknowledged that they're not my responsibility, whatever happens to them, and insisted that their bad behaviour should not result in me and SO being penalised, things seem to have improved in leaps and bounds.

 

Lc891's picture

Thank you all for your comments. I just don't know what to do. I hear every single comment. I'm sat on holiday and it's been the topic of conversation. I explained to him I feel there is no compromise with him on this subject, that he's always appeasing her. This morning he said can not talk about it today I said fine but can you stop making her part of our day we are on holiday, it's calls text and FaceTimes. Amazingly the are far more frequent and it's because we are away!

he told me that he wouldn't ignore his daughter, I said no one has asked that, message all you want but could you save you FaceTime for later maybe when I'm in shower and not on our days out. At the beach they are messaging away, so I get up to go swim straight on face time. He doesn't like my shake of the head and asks what me problem is. I say you are disrespectful to our relationship and my feelings and no prepared to compromise. He has a go at me tells me we are leaving the beach and he is booking us a flight home, so we leave the beach ( he seems to say I don't like being told what to do, yet examples like the beach it's him telling me what to do)

so we left beach and sat at hotel restaurant before it closes and he is looking for flights and tells me it too difficult to get one.

im lay here crying on a bed because i asked for compromise?! I haven't see her for a few weeks as she's been away with her mum. She is due to is next week for three days. Would it be wrong if I booked a hotel? I just really don't want to be around the two of them. When she has FaceTimed she has pulled faces when her dad mentions me. She tried to push to come different days knowing we had plans. 
Sorry for rant, I'm just sat here not knowing what to turn 

is this the end?

AgedOut's picture

I'll be blunt, he's treating her like his partner and you like his side piece. You deserve the whole cookie not just crumbs. 

Rags's picture

This failed family toxic spawn needs a life with daddy's boot up her ass and zero tolerance for her crap.
Stop this shit now.  You are facilitating it all.  Why keep serving yourself and your own child as sacrifices on the altar of martyrdom to this idiot and his failed family baggage.

This is not complex to fix. Zero tolerance and absolute enforcement of every boundary associated with unequivocal standards of behavior and standards of performance will either fix her shit or cause daddy to leave which is a win win for you regardless of which outcome occurs.

This failed POS of a man, father, and partner is sniffing his toxic failed family spawn's ass and is an abject failure as your mate.  

You cannot live your best life with this shallow and polluted gene pool in your life. Any of them.  Get on with living well and put them all in your past.

Take care of you.