I love all your little puking emoticons!! Lol!

Isn't this frustrating???!!! I think the worst thing is not having someone to roll your eyes at when skids do something stupid or are praised for non-deviant behavior. I can talk to my husband about the skids, but I have to phrase things very carefully because he gets defensive and upset if he thinks the skids are being criticized. He also feels guilty whenever they misbehave because it reflects poorly on him (in his mind) and he worries that he's failing them as a father. I think these are all normal parent emotions, but it makes it really difficult for us step-parents because we don't have those bio-parent blinders on that distort reality and prevent parents from seeing what their kids are really like. I love my skids and care about them, but it's in a very specific and limited way and their flaws and problems get under my skin and drive me insane sometimes!

I grew up in an unusual household and my mom had extremely high standards and was pretty strict in regards to our behavior and manners. All of my siblings are extremely intelligent, talented and beautiful and it was hard not to feel like the ugly duckling growing up because everyone in my family was super gifted in some specific area (piano, ballet, art...), we didn't have a tv and academics were a family priority. I didn't realize how different having kids can be because my skids couldn't be more different than me and my sisters when we were their ages. It's really depressing to have two below-average skids, who also happen to have mental health disorders. The two most frustrating areas are their verbal skills (or lack of) and social skills. Both are awkward and strange looking, have bizarre and inappropriate social skills (that we are constantly working on) and have verbal skills at levels far, far below where they should be. It took me a while to actually face it, but I finally did and it was very sobering to realize that my skids are just really stupid! I don't mean it as an insult, I mean it literally. It's not their fault, but they have really, really low I.Q.'s, almost no practical common sense and can barely communicate. They don't understand anything people say and loudly interrupt and ask to hear things up to about three times before they barely understand what someone's saying. They also don't seem to be able to express things verbally and will stammer and say "uh, uh, uh, um, uh..." endlessly, before a grammatically incorrect and confusing sentence sometimes gets expressed. It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out! My BFF was hanging out with me the other day and then on the phone later she told me that she was impressed by my patience with the skids and I laughed so hard because the moment she was thinking of was a moment when I was having a fantasy about driving off a cliff a la Thelma and Louise, while simultaneously screaming and ripping my hair out!! I am happy to find out that my extreme frustration isn't apparent though!

My new tactic with the skids is to be blunt with SS12 and tell him straight up what he needs to do or not do to be polite and socially appropriate. I also have to teach him about not bragging, not boring people, or talking about himself too much (BM pumps him up and tells him he is a genius and better than everyone else, when in fact, he is a genetic unfortunate and evidence that meth and teen pregnancies do have a link. I have to be very clear with SS12, but he is getting better and better in this area. SS6 is the worrisome one right now. He is in first grade and still speaks and acts like he is in pre-school. He is very sulky and jealous and is mean and nasty to other kids at school, which is made worse because BM, striking again, encourages him to sulk and pout and coddles him. She doesn't care if they can't string a sentence together and have no friends, she just wants them to stay dependent on her so that she has identity and self-esteem from "being a mom." While she is actively setting them back, I have, with SS6, told him that when he uses incorrect tenses (such as "I branged my teddy bear to school") that he knows are wrong, I won't respond until he says the sentence correctly. He is fully capable of speaking correctly and goes into the babyish talk intermittently to get attention. BM gives him shrieky praise for basically existing and he always reverts back to baby talk because she likes it. I also have told him that if he wants or needs to say something he needs to think about it BEFORE starting to talk so that the endless "uh's" don't drive people to madness. Both skids want constant attention and so they will say my name and then start with "Uh, um... and then a lot of stuttering and confusing words that are in the wrong tenses and I just can't stand it! When the "uh's" start, I ask SS6 if he knows what he wants to say. He usually says "no" and it ends there, but I always tell him that he can think about what he wants to say for as long as he needs, but that he needs to wait until he knows what he is going to say before opening his mouth or calling out someone's name to talk to them. About 95% of the time, both skids will break off a couple words into a hodgepodge of words and just stop talking. If I prompt them and ask them to repeat themselves or ask them to continue what they were talking about, they say, "I forgot." In fact, that is SS6's favorite phrase. Both skids do not seem able to learn, or at least it is way harder for them than it is for kids with average intelligence. I'm not sure what the problem is, but neither of them can remember anything and teaching them anything feels really pointless because I know I am going to be repeating myself endlessly (yet I still keep slogging on forward!).

They have a lot of really annoying qualities about them and I am working on it every day. The weird part is that while my friends and family see the skids clearly, H and his family do not! They don't get to spend much time with the skids (out of state) but when we are visiting for holidays they act like we have brought them the worlds cutest, smartest, most amazing children ever, when in fact the skids are completely cringe-worthy and embarrassing. They spend weeks with their grandparents in the summer and are coddled, praised and pampered for the most ridiculous, basic stuff! When I was six years old, my mom did not loudly and copiously praise me for doing things for myself such as brushing my teeth and getting dressed. You would think that SS6 being able to put his pants on forwards was the equivalent to an Olympic medal if you judge by my in-law's reaction to them. And how do you praise a report card filled with D's, with recommendations to put the skids in special ed?!! How do you ignore that stuff????!! When I witness this crap, inside I am puking/laughing hysterically/shocked/embarrassed, but on the outside I just smile and look forward to describing it to my sisters and being able to laugh about it later.

I can totally relate to everything you said StepMadre, even though ss13 is the only one that has the "big" issues you have touched upon (sd8 is fairly average but no mental disorders that I can tell). My friends all think I am so patient with ss13 and even FIL tells DH how lucky he is to have me. The truth is this kid knows how to charm and manipulate EVERYONE so that he doesn't have to lift a finger, and when he does things without being told (like brushing his teeth) he thinks he should get paid an allowance for it! :sick: