Desperately seeking advice regarding SS therapy Session next week
SS sees a Psychiatrist once ever two months. Both BM and DH attend these Appointments with SS. BM is a controlling Manipulating you know what and ran DH household how she saw fit. Since I've come into the Picture I put a stop to this and limit Communication between the two to just text message or emails.
Well now BM uses these "Therapy sessions" as a way to try and "force" DH into doing what she wants. How? BM is VERY smart with GREAT people skills(Manipulation). BM brings up certain things she wants DH to do regarding SS in a way the therapist agrees. They if DH does NOT do it BM throws it in DH face saying DH is NOT Following the recommendations of the professional which is in the divorce agreement saying that they both have to.
BM also likes to be the favorite parent so she likes DH to do the Discipline. BM conveniently Schedules the therapy sessions right before DH parenting time so anything "decided" on will fall on DH to try first. Nothing we can do about that as BM controls they pet that divorce agreement. Example BM feels SS plays on the Xbox to much BUT does nothing about it except complains to the therapist about it. BM will complain about this and then the therapist will say kids SS age should only play two hrs a day. Then it will come down to DH being the first to enforce this and DH looking like the bad guy and dealing with SS temper Tantrums
So what I'm looking for is WHAT can DH say during these appointments that could counter what BM says? Most of the time DH does NOT even agree with BM but BM Presents it in such away the therapist supports BM. Like Video games. DH is fine with SS playing as long as he gets outside and does other things.
SS has a Therapy session tomorrow and again this falls right before DH parenting week so I'm sure BM will be dropping some Surprises Especially the video game issue. Suggestions thoughts???
DH needs to request that he
DH needs to request that he and BM have separate sessions with the therapist and SS, or that he will not attend anymore.
This therapist is being played by BM, and it's just a way for BM to control DH. He should explain that all to the therapist, and if he/she will not agree to separate sessions, he should stop attending.
And I say this a person in the child mental health field. Great if parents can get along and join sessions together, but if one feels steamrolled and manipulated then the therapist is just enabling a destructive dynamic. And if he/she can't hear that he/she is doing that, then DH should not bother participating anymore.
He could say something like,
He could say something like, I will take some time to consider that option, if I feel it is necessary and how best to implement it. That way he has a blanket statement for any suggestion that is a reasonable response and will give him time to think over if he wants to try it out or if there is a reason why he doesn't and be able to give that reason at the next session.
I do agree with the others though that as BM and your husband are running different households there doesn not need to be joint sessions or joint policies between the two homes. Different rules in different homes is ok.
I'd have DH ask the therapist
I'd have DH ask the therapist if he recommends to his other patients that they give up control of his home to the ex. Eyeroll.
Why are they seeing a psychiatrist and not a psychologist? My understanding is that psychiatric deal with meds and don't do much in counseling anymore thanks to health insurance.
As for the video games, have DH be a bit more vague about what goes on during his custodial time, say that he manages it just fine with SS and does not have the problems that BM is having. Turn it around to deal with her time. Have no complaints about SS behavior at your house. Have him say that he follows the recommendations in therapy, then ask BM if they work on HER time. Make her keep explaining her troubles on her time, keep her out of talking about his time. She will get flustered and angry but doesn't the psychiatrist need to see this from her? Don't let BM bait DH anymore.
Totally agree with Separate meetings!!!!
Unfortunately we tried this a number of times and BM flipped out that the Psychiatrist refuses to even talk to DH without BM. Yes totally F-uped but Child psychiatrists are few and far between where we live so we don't have much Choice. DH tried to get me to go to one meeting too since I'm his WIFE and SM. Again BM flipped out and I'm Forbidden in attending any of these meetings. I knew this would be a issue with BM as she is well Aware I am the driving force of DH backbone and I would throw a Wrench in her manipulation tactics with the therapist. I would LOVE DH to say kiss my ass to all of them and refuse to go BUT DH would never do that. I have to pick my battles with DH. When I first met him he was a open bank to BM and jump Through hoops for her every demand. I Quickly close the bank and told DM she BM can ONLY contact DH Through email or text and only with need to know information.
So Since I can't go with DH I need to help figure out ways to outsmart BM and her Manipulating tactics with a therapist to get them to do her dirty work.
That's too bad.
That's too bad.
You can't beat BM at her game, I promise, she's been practicing that game since she was a small child. You don't want to be that kind of person.
Sounds like you just have to put up with DH being spineless and allowing BM to run the show.
The psychiatrist refuses to
The psychiatrist refuses to speak to DH without BM? Are these the doctor's words or BM's?? That makes zero sense. Since it's every two months I would really look into finding a new one.
Yep crazy!
The "Reasoning" the therapist has is "she" wants "everyone" to get the same information. I call total BS. Comes down to lazy therapist who does not want to deal with pain in the ass BM pissing and complaining that DH wants to talk to the therapist without her. Basically comes down to the squeaky wheel gets the grease. DH is a total pushover. I told DH he needs to Come down like the hand of God And threaten the therapist that he was going to drag him to court and sue his ass if he refused to talk alone with DH. Unfortunately DH Does not have the balls for this
Another suggestion if he, for
Another suggestion if he, for some reason, can't/won't stop "family" appointments:
"I am going to take a few days to consider this recommendation and discuss it with my wife and SS. Since SS begins his visit with me tomorrow, I want to give everyone a chance to think it over and ask any questions before we start changing routines and rules. I also will take this opportunity to look into other recommendations since this is the first I am hearing of this and will present those at the next session for us to discuss."
Then, tell the therapist that he'd like to discuss his recommendations first at the next meeting.
Also, all because the CO says that they have to follow doctor recommendations doesn't mean that they need to be followed the very next day (since this is something chronic, not acute) and without question. As a parent, your DH has a right to seek other opinions and come up with how he'll implement change in his own home. If BM starts taking him to court because he delays implementing something by a week or two, or he actively seeks a second opinion about something he doesn't agree with, she's going to lose money and likely piss off the judge. Your DH just needs to keep good documentation and relay his questions and concerns to the therapist so that he keeps a paper trail of working with the system.
ETA: He could also keep the Psychiatrist in the loop about the specifics of what he is doing via email and not discuss it in front of BM in these meetings.
Going once every two months
Doesn't seem like that going anything for SS. DH has to refuse to attend with BM. Or find a DR who is not crazy to do what they are doing
He needs to take control of
He needs to take control of the meeting. When the counselor asks about concerns he needs to jump in with a list that are all targeted towards BM:
"We have really tried to limit the video games at our house but he has free reign with BM. We see that he acts out more because of the separate expectations for separate households. I feel like I am often being thrown under the bus when it comes to new rules or parenting plans- I follow through, BM does not and I am just the mean dad. Also _______ (whatever the other grievances are). We keep seeing this continual trend that can not be sustained for the relationship I have with my son."
If she starts in before him, he needs to interrupt her and say "I apologize but this time I feel it is very important for me to go first- look at the therapist and say, may I please?"