How to deal with MIL going forward. Just give it time?
Hi. Im sorry I've made a lot of posts lately. I just feel the only ones who truly truly understand are all of you-
Who have experienced similar situations. My dh cant possibly understand and I have no friends or family with steps(lucky)...
Anyway once upon time about 5 years ago things used to be really good with stepdaughters. Its gone down the drain and I've finally decided to step back and be done-and to stop trying to be the "fixer" as I always have. It actually feels good!
My post today is about my in laws. Recently my stepdaughters 14&16 , have gotten in their heads spewing all negative stuff about us and how we abandoned them , and I've tricked and manipulated their dad...the list goes on. I dont care im done.
Anyway I've blocked SIL after her attack on me & FIL. But MIL I thought we were friends? I clearly thought wrong because in the message from SIL she mocked several things about myself and my life I've told MIL in private, in trusting convos.
I haven't blocked her as for almost 11 years shes always been so kind and generous. Shes always been the neutral person in all of the step drama. She apologized for saying anything and getting involved and we agreed to not speak of any of the kid stuff or drama again...and left it at that. She likes all my photos on fb of our DD who's 2 and recently told my dh shed like to visit in a few weeks(they all live 1000 miles a while thank god).
For my husband's sake I said fine and I keep telling myself ill be corgil and breif(never getting close to her again) for my dds sake but the thought of her coming to our house feels very uncomfortable. I was thinking of maybe a lunch but my dd2 doesn't do good in restaurants. I just am still so angry that she let her daughter blow up on me via text with such disrespect. Never in my life has anyone been so nasty and hateful. Shes just like stepdaughters.
Idk if I should maybe go grocery shopping while she visits or go do shots in the back room while she's at our house. Iol
I'm just awkward with her now!
"I just am still so angry
"I just am still so angry that she let her daughter blow up on me via text with such disrespect."
To be clear, she likely has zero control over who her daughter blows up at. She didn't orchestrate your SIL's attack.. she most likely didn't know about it.. or condone it either.
She has apologized for sharing things with her daughter.. and based on her treatment of you in the past (mil).. I would take her apology.. and move forward.. but I would be hesitant to share anything private with her that you don't mind being posted on the front page of the Church bulletin.
I'm not sure what the things were that were shared.. nor why she might have shared them.. or whether your SIL could have gotten the info in some other way.. but some people are just not good at keeping things to themselves. My MIL is like this.. she can't keep her mouth shut.. she gossips horribly.. but would claim as a Christian she doesn't.. (rolling my eyes.. yes you do!)
I think you have to take yoru relationship with her at face value.. you can't expect her to take sides with her daughter.. the grandskids etc.. leave those topics off limits and just let her be a granny to your DD.. as long as you give her no more ammunition.. she can't do much to hurt you..
She apologized for getting
She apologized for getting defensive and involved. Not that her daughter attacked me. She said that they both love my sds very much so they get defensive. She asked that we never talk about the drama and sds again and I said agreed. And left it at that.
She doesn't have to apologize
She doesn't have to apologize for her daughter. My point is she apologized for her part in things right? that she got defensive? She also has basically said she doesn't want to be in the middle of the issue with you.
So.. I think you leave it at that.. you have to know her ultimate allegiance will be to her own children and grandchildren. She likely wants a relationship with your daughter as her grandchild also.. she doesn't want to jeopardize that.
Unfortunately, it's a lesson learned about confiding in people. I honestly confide in no-one.. even people I might think are my friends.. family etc.. if you don't want the world to know something? don't tell anyone.
The only way something is a secret is if only one person knows it.. you.
If you need to unburden yourself of uncomfortable thoughts and history.. do it with a licensed therapist. It's just the best advice I can give.. and I follow it myself.
Expectations for confidentiality have to be clearly communicated
If not, things that would prefer to be kept between two people has a far greater tendency to leak out.
I have dealt with two of these events with my mom who truly has a heart of gold. Over more than 20 years. The first was when i was in my early 20s. My first college GF got pregnant. Not sure if it was mine, her former BF flew in (private plane) one weekend shortly after the GF and I started dating and she did sleep with him. We were sleeping together at that time. Two summers later... my brother and i were visiting family friends for the summer. Their three daughters and my brother and I were raised together. All of the "kids" were canoeing when the eldest daughter shared that her mom had told her that my then former college GF had gotten pregnant. She and I were alone in a canoe together in the middle of the lake while my brother and the other two girls were in a separate canoe. I had to call mom out on over sharing when she and dad joined my brother and I at the friends home towards the end of the summer. Mom appologized profusely and that particular situation never occurred again.
Meanwhile two decades later, interestingly while visiting the same friends, at a cocktail mixer my mom was talking to a group of the "moms" and mentioned my DW's background. DW was a graduate degreed CPA by then and mom was and is exceptionally proud of my DW. Anyway, mom was telling the ladies that my DW was a single teen mom who accomplished the amazing things that she accomplished. My DW overheard part of that conversation and was not happy with my mom for bringing that up. "Why does that matter? Why is it important for your mom to mention it? I would prefer that she not."
So, I had to pull mom aside and ask her to respect DW's wishes on oversharing. My mom was heartbroken that she had hurt my wife. Mom was beaming to the other ladies about my bride. It was not in any way intended to be snarky or mean. Mom and DW have pretty much been the Rags clan estrogen BFFs from their first introduction and are exceptionally close.
My DW has grown less sensitive to it, it has been nearly 20 years since that incident, and Mom remains exceptionally proud of my DW. Mom was 19 whe she and dad had me. They married at 17 & 19. So mom does feel a special teen mom bond with DW I think.
Anyway, some things are worth getting approval for regarding sharing.
TMI can be a testy and hurtful subject.
This one is right up my alley.
Jackie, I married into a dysfunctional family with lots of females and few males. I was young, eager to be part of the family, and far too nice for my own good. Can I share some truths I've learned?
Imagine a bullseye target, with the solid center and concentric rings. People "of the blood", especially females, ususally make up that center. We SMs belong in an outer ring - we're connections, not blood, and that's okay.
You've married into a high-drama family. People like this only respect strength, and grudgingly at that. They aren't going to change, so it's up to you to remain grounded and keep firm boundaries. Be polite yet distant with your MIL - after all, you get to have your own bullseye target, and she's not of YOUR blood. If she want to hash things out during her visit, choose your words carefully and keep emotion out of it. It's okay to say "That doesn't work for me", "I don't want to do that", or "Trust has been broken, and while I appreciate your apology, I can't make promises about the future".
Thank you. Wish I knew this
Thank you. Wish I knew this 11 years ago lol. I have been too trusting and wonder if I've been laughed at with mil and sil all along. Shes totally 100% engaged in convos with me about SDs saying how much of a mess they are ...seriously shes said alot about how they have major issues. Its not like I called them bad kids or name called, I literally said what bm told me. Receny police visits, sneaking out of the house, a few other stories. She got defensive as if I made it up saying "let me ask the girls their side!". Weird how all of the sudden she got on the defense. But of course I now realize to be done with all trust and walls are up.
My MIL didn't betray my trust
My MIL didn't betray my trust, but I keep her at arm's lengths because she has been buddy-buddy with BM and GBM in the past. Anything I said I figured would end up back to BM, and she hated (hates?) me for just existing.
Being civil is entirely possible. If my MIL calls me, I don't answer and tell DH to call her back. If she asks how the SKs are, I tell her to either ask them or talk to DH. Same if she asks how BM is. She doesn't like that we're not close, but she also has a way of stirring the pot that I'm just not interested in getting stirred into.
It's entirely fine to disengage from your MIL and redirect any questions about the SDs back to your DH. If she doesn't like that (and she won't), she'll likely just stop talking to you (which, in this situation, would be a win). It won't stop her from talking poorly about you behind your back, but you can't care about what she thinks of you. She didn't care that she actively ruined your trust, so she's not exactly someone who you should put a lot of stock in what she says.
And if someone approaches you asking what YOU did to ruin the relationship, tell them exactly what MIL did with a smile on your face. Don't be shy - air out that dirty laundry. MIL won't like it, but if she feels the need to stir drama, feel free to deliver the truth with a snappy "though, Random Person, I don't know why this is any of your business and I don't appreciate you getting involved in something that doesn't involve you."