Disengage- you sound like me six months ago. You cannot 'fix' these people. Let other people do that. You are a wonderful person because you care but you are being pushed under by these self-centred individuals who care nothing for you. It is harsh. Care for yourself first, channel your energies elsewhere- initially into yourself but gradually you will feel your old self come back and then you will be ready to help others.

Really I would try and get over feeling guilty about your very understandable feelings towards your steps. The 30yr old sounds like a lazy freeloader, and of course she should have a job! What rational person wouldn't dislike someone who has told your husband to divorce you?

The fact that you work in a caring profession and see yourself as a caring person, does not mean you have to like unlikeable people. I think you need to jettison the "I am a carer so I must like everybody" sort of attitude. Our negative feelings have just as much validity as our positive feelings - we are human beings with the full range of emotional responses to different people and situations.

I have accepted the fact that two women in this world will never like me no matter what I do. Just because I exist. #1 is my exH's wife and #2 is my SD.

I don't hate my SD at all, but I am wary of her. Meaning that I feel cautious and on guard with her because she has tried to turn my husband against me. Repeatedly.

I avoid her, but when a meeting is necessary, I can put on a brave face and be the bigger person. Not because she deserves it, but because I am called to love my enemies and pray for those that persecute me. I give them no reason to hate me, yet I realize that they probably do and that's their problem and something they will need to answer for someday.

My exH's wife is an atheist, so she doesn't believe that "someday" will come. My SD enjoys gossip sessions, and lacks an interesting life of her own. That, I am hoping may improve over time the longer DH and I are married. Someday she will have to realize it's til death do us part. In the meantime she seems bent on being devil's advocate.

You are a care giver, and when you help someone you get a positive feeling from it. So you think the same should hold true for SD. Society tells us if we love enough, eventually we will be loved back. When that doesn't occur with our Skids, we think is us. Many times, that thought is reinforced by DHs who do not want to confront the skids for rude and unacceptable behavior. It is easier for them to tell us that we are too sensitive or make vague accusations like you are making my kids feel uncomfortable but they can not come up with specifics.

You are fortunate in that your DH supports you and can see the Skids have mental issues. Take a vacation from trying so darn hard, and let DH take care of the relationship with his daughters. Believe me - if DH thinks they are insane they probably are. You do not owe it to anyone to continue to serve as a doormat or a scapegoat. If you distance yourself for a while you will see that you are still that wonderful person you always have been, and that your DH is right.

I like to tell people,
Here's what I did wrong as a step mom

I breathe in and
I breathe out

That's what happened to you

new moon, welcome. i feel your pain,

your skids seem like mine in so many ways.

their lives are train wrecks and they come running to daddeeee when when their bad life choice come home to roost.

you gave it your best shot to love these skids like many of use here. only to have that thrown back in your face and them some.

time to get over the guilt. you are a good person with a good heart and your skids dont deserve your attention let alone your love. the emotional scars they gave you will toughen you up.

please read the section on disengagement in the forum.

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/162

Think I have to agree with sandye...very good advice. You are not a bad person, this step situation can honesty turn people into seething angry people, who normally wouldn't come close to being that way

When people (skids, inlaws) are so evil and unaccepting of SM's, and our DH's so unsupportive when it comes to those same people's abusive treatment to us, it's easy to become extremely resentful and unforgiving

The whole situation can be really tough on everyone, it takes so much work, and the best thing often is just to distance yourself from the whole thing unfortunately

Good luck to you. My skids hate me too. I have been nice to them over the years but none of that matters. I always knew that the oldest one hated me and wanted Mommy and Daddy back together (they were apart for 5 years before I came along). In the beginning I thought we could be this one big happy family. I couldn't have been more wrong. DH's daughters were mean, spiteful, jealous and manipulative. SS was a full out unruly, undisciplined brat. I continued to do for them as I did for my own Bio's until the day that I heard the oldest SD say how much she hated me. It was like a slap in the face. After everything that I had done for them! From that point I held them at arm's length. I continued to purchase birthday and Christmas gifts but cut all else out. Then one day I realized that not once in all of these years have I ever received as much as a birthday card from them. So I stopped buying them birthday gifts (they were out of school by this point)although I would still mail a birthday card. This year I cut out the birthday cards. If it was up to me I would cut out Christmas gifts too. This year DH can take care of that. I am so done.
I spend time reflecting on the past and how things got to this terrible point. They are making me out to be this terrible, controlling, cold hearted person...but when I think about it I think about the fact that I have many life long friends, loving family members, co-workers and business associates that I know think the world of me and I had step children from a prior marriage and we are on very friendly terms and I am on good terms with their mother and my kids have a step mother and we are best of friends. I sit and think and realize that I have never had any issues with anyone in my life until DH's BM and children. So know I am thinking that it can't possibly be me. Right?

It could possibly be you. I know how much I began to hate the person I had become because I could not get on with my skids- OSD in particular. I am a well-loved person, I have friends, work colleagues, neighbours and a large and welcoming family. But, not everyone likes me- sometimes I get the vibe and I back off. In any situation in life it is easy to just shun or ignore that person you don't hit it off with- you move on or spend your time in the company of those who appreciate your company in turn.
However, in Stepworld it isn't like that. Looking back my DH pushed me into the company of his adult children, and I went along with it because I wanted to please him and hey! I can get on with most people, right? Very, very, very wrong. After five years of trying to get them to see the 'real' me I disengaged.
Everyone tells me DH adores me, but I have come to see he adores his family first, his job second, his crappy boat third and I'm way down on the list now.
But, you know I am back to being that person I was before, I have a very full and active social life, a rewarding job and children and grandchildren I adore too.
His kids don't need me? I don't need them.
It could be me- but I'm not wasting time on people who don't appreciate me, end of. Their loss.

Welcome to the club of hated SM's; most adult skids dislike their stepmothers. It's an unnatural relationship that throws adults who are strangers together in a familial relationship where one is now mother and the other child. No matter how long ago the divorce was or if BM is deceased, skids will always be loyal to their own mother and often show that loyalty by hating you. Early in DH's and I's relationship I was introduced as adult skids SM, every time I said, "I'm not a stepmother. I had nothing to do w/raising or mothering them. I'm just DH's wife." I don't know if this annoyed or relieved adult ss's but one reason I said it was as a disclaimer to how they've turned out as adults. I had NOTHING to do with it.

In the beginning I was like you and actually had an opinion about how ss's were living their lives. I had the audacity to think that ss32 should have a job and be paying his own bills. I was terrible to not want him living on our futon and emptying the fridge when he would come over stoned. What a witch I was for not wanting to provide free babysitting dh's gskids, his step gskids, and step DIL's nephew who is unrelated to DH all this while to be excluded from their family events.

After several years of wondering WTF?! I completely disengaged. ss32 came over to borrow something from DH last night and I stayed in our room, took an extra long shower and didn't even ask how his visit went because I really don't care. If DH does start talking about ss I'll listen say the required "Oh" and "Uh huh's" but never give my personal opinion. The fact that you dare voice your opinion that sd30 should have a job means you *hate* her. Your mere existence in her fathers life translates to you are a slutty homewrecker who somehow stole their father away.

Dont' try to love your SD's, love your DH he's the one you married.

Never have an opinion of how they're living their lives. Set boundaries around your home, finances and marriage but always make it about you never them.

Be polite but disengage emotionally from them, they are DH's kids not yours. Let him deal w/them and their issues 100% just make sure their issues are not bleeding into your personal life. Keep up those Boundaries.