How do you set boundaries for stepkid expenses?
DH has SS 50% of the time on average (usually second half of every week) pays monthly to BM 400e plus 50% of extra school expenses. It has not been decided by the judge but he does it because she said so, he doesn't have shared custody from birth of SS and BM can stop him from seeing him any time. (It happened already)
BM is very wealthy, doesn't pay rent as she has her own apartment and keeps also 100% child support from the state (which she is supposed to share with DH as they have the kid 50-50)
She often organises events for SS and expects husband to pay half or even the whole amount sometimes. Last drop was PS4 and one birthday party for which she asked 250e and made husband pay for taking SS and his little friends to the pool.
She now wants to organise another birthday party with the kids that were missing at the first one because they were off on summer holiday and wants another 250e from DH.
I told DH that I think it is madness spending 1000e for a 9 yo birthday party. She has an income that doubles ours put together and gets all possible child supports, she should be able to pay by herself her bizarre crazy expensive ideas.
I told DH but he freaked out at me. It happened already before when he spent 500e on his own for SS xmas present (electric drums) which he used maybe twice in a year.
The finny thing is that he complains A LOT to me about the fact we never have enough money.
I can not make him see some reason, when it comes to SS. DH can easily tell me we will skip holiday the whole year but has no problems spending money for his son for useless and totally unecessary things. On top of that SS is constantly misplacing things, even like expensive trainers at school or his swimming stuff and DH instead of teaching him to take care of his stuff just buys everything all over again without saying a word.
I am very worried because I would love to start planning my first baby next year but I am super afraid that his/her life will be miserable because all of the money and time DH spends on SS. I don't want to even imagine in some years when he will be a teen.
I expressed my feelings many times in a calm way to DH but that irritates him terribly, he just shuts down and avoids the topic. He thinks I tell him these things because I resent his son getting more attention than I do.
I would love to know if you managed to solve a similar issue and how you did it.
Thanks.
Poster is not from the states
Poster is not from the states (uses e not $ for money). So use of word assistance may mean something different than it dies in the U.S. Depending on the country BM could be getting state assistance, but it is not the welfare Americans associate with the word.
Agree that separating finances, if it is not already separated, is a good idea.
Is there a reason your
Is there a reason your husband doesn't want to get a court order? I don't know how it works there, but here in my state of the US he would more than likely be able to get 50/50 court ordered based on the status quo. Again, in my jurisdiction, with 50/50 custody he would get child support from her, since her income is higher. Are things significantly different there? If he got a court order, it wouldn't be as easy for the BM to hold that over his head.
It works differently in this
It works differently in this country. They werent married so unless you apply for shared custody at birth (for some odd reason they didnt) the mother has automatically exclusive custody. She can easily stop him from seeing the child any time without any notice. He thinks that going to court and apply for shared custody will create a massive earthquake. Plus she is wealthy enough to get a very good lawyer, we can't afford it.
In some states in my country,
In some states in my country, yes, even with 50/50 time split, there is CS expected. If I did the convert correctly, your SO pays roughly $450-ish a month, half of all school activities an school needs. This could be considered pretty standard (the parents are doing a shared cost of 50/50). Here then too, would possibly be shared or assigned expenses on medical and health insurance and sometimes also, daycare.
It seems what the bigger issue is the mother of the little boy calls the shots on every expenditure. Birthday parties? While it happens here, it is not standard. Many households do their own individual 'thing' for a child's birthday and it doesn't necessarily include a tossed kiddie outting celebration. For example, if the mother wanted a big bash with lots of kiddie friends, complete with decorations, a food spread and a swim , it would be all on the mother and the father would have nothing to do with any of it (including his money, it would completely be on her cost). The idea that your BM thinks not only one kiddie party, but throwing two because some friends couldn't come the first time, is flat out excessive. She needs to be told 'no'. And your SO needs to start thinking about having separate birthday celebrations. That way each parent can plan and pay for what they feel they'd like to do. So much kiddie parties sounds like nothing but a gift grab to me.
Purchasing a PS4 for a child, whether it be a birthday or a Christmas present isn't all the out of line, but such costly gifts certainly depends on one's household budget. No, parents don't make such purchases if the gift sets the household budget back. Some parent's here would actually have the child earn the PS4 to also help teach the value of money and that one has to work to obtain special things.
Have you talked to your SO about wanting to have a baby in the future and how another child would fit into the finances? Your SO will always have expectations and responsibilities towards his first child. That's just a given. Until the son is aged out it is the mother's and the father's role to support the child. Doesn't really matter as to how much more the mother may have money-wise verses the father, so going on about BM being rich and/or not needing the support from the father is really a moot point. Legally it is both parents responsibility and rightly so.
But here there are strict guidelines/laws as to how the two parents share expenses. Basically there is a calculator where the cash figures and other items that 'count' are filled in and then an order is entered as to amount per month is to be paid (if any) and what other financial items (medical, daycare, education for example) are add-on and not optional In fact, some states here use an outdated system where the NCP pays a flat 20% of income for one children regardless of what the other parent makes or overnights.
Your best bet to get through to your SO that his spending is excessive is to separate your finances. he becomes 100% responsible for any and all cost of his son Plus he also must pay his share of routine bills and household expenses... this way your money only goes towards yourself and your share of routine bills and household expenses. Sometimes, this method is all it takes for the man to figure out he can not keep handing out and spending cash he doesn't have.
It is sad that the son's mother can willing withhold the child from your So if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it, but whether they were married at child's birth or not, surely a man who is supporting his son and involved would qualify for visitation right even if not 50/50 schedule. Here, even when a mother manages to get sole custody and legal rights, the father still gets visitation and some parenting time. And after the nine years your SO has been involved and assisted in supporting the child, it's hard to believe a court would cut the access merely because Dad doesn't pay for two kiddie parties.
You said no cash for lawyer, but can SO afford to do consult with lawyer to learn his rights even as non-custodial parent?
If your husband is amenable
If your husband is amenable to having another kid, focus on that. Start talking to him about a timeline, how you'll handle child care, baby names -- things other than $. When he's engaged in the conversation and excited about a new child, then you can start talking about $. What's his idea for affording another baby? Let him help figure out how to make it happen. When you start getting serious and looking at finances, don't mention the skid or BM. Act as if that's none of your affair. Your affair is starting your family and making sure there's a plan.
With these men, any mention of anything to do with their first kid just gets turned around and blamed on the SM. You both know how the money is being spent now. There's no need to talk about it. Just talk about your kid and making it a reality. By necessity, that will include resources.
I find the less said about skids, the better everything goes.
I agree, probably until he
I agree, probably until he doesn't realise the new baby is going to be a reality he won't stop... we do already have separated money but we run a company together and it makes me mad seeing I am the only one that cares about buying furniture or little things we both need for the house using my own money and not expecting anything from him and he just spends his own for very expensive things SS didnt ask for and doesnt need.
You need to stop letting him
You need to stop letting him not share in household expenses while extravagance is lavished on SS. That is not fair to you, or your future child. If he is not ok with sharing expenses and thinks you should so he has more money for SS, then you know what your purpose is. It will be up to you to decide if that is ok with you.
What will BM do when she is
What will BM do when she is told no the first time? That should be a big question in this plan because that issue will alone will sink DH if he hasn't even concieved how she will react. Right now she has control over his wallet. Until he can feel comfortable with the consequences of standing up to BM, this is a losing battle.
That's the main issue. I
That's the main issue. I think he is actually scared of her because when things don't go the way she wants she goes to SS and tells him his father doesn't have time for him or horrible things like that. He had another kid (now 30yo) from a one night stand in his late teens and he struggled a lot to build a decent relationship because he was young and living abroad for work. The first son stopped talking to him 9 years ago when SS was born because he said he has never been there for him and strongly resented the baby. DH has been feeling very guilty since and would do anything to avoid finding himslef again in this situation with SS, just he is exceeding to the opposite side, just saying yes all the time...typical guilty father syndrome. If I mention it to him and suggest alternative ways to deal with BM he freaks out, says he doesn't need pressure also from me and that he prefers giving her more money than having to constantly fight. He is not happy about the situation either but I don't know how to help him empowering himself and learn to say no.
Have your own accounts since
Have your own accounts since you don’t share children yet. Don’t help him financially at all!
I have separated our accounts
I have separated our accounts and Dh has no access to mine. Anything he wants to spend on SD comes out of his pocket and if he can't afford it, he doesn't get it for her.