I’m worked to the bone
I’m just wondering if any other stepmoms feel resentful if you are in a high stress/pressure career and work a ton and BM doesn’t work at all?
I make a really great income; DH does as well but pays a HUGE chunk of it out in child support/alimony. He provides a modest amount to household expenses, etc, but it is literally all he can afford. He works full time as well, but not as many hours and his job def isn’t as stressful.
I also have a child at home of my own and a pretty decent amount of child support that comes in, and am working approx 60 hrs a week (plus some for ‘volunteer’ events etc that my work hosts). BM refuses to work at all- never has, never will.
I know I would have a very difficult time finding another job that pays this sort of $, but it is wearing me right out. But I feel like I need to stay in this job to keep our lifestyle what it currently is.
Where my frustration comes in is that if I complain about my job my DH gives a bit of sympathy, but I get the impression that he would be dissapointed if I took a job that paid less.
I know that he cannot control what BM does but I honestly cannot help but feel irritated by this situation. I’m just wondering if I’m alone in these feelings, or how I can reframe things in my mind to not feel so much resentment. He wouldn’t be able to say much if I did take a step back but I also know that internally I would feel this massive guilt. It just irks me that I sacrifice soooo much time with my DD to work to keep this lifestyle going, and the af least half of his after tax income is going to this parasite.
Do you live in a state where
Do you live in a state where CS is paid based on the NCP's income, or based on the differential in the incomes of the two parents? If it's the former, then put BM out of your mind. Your husband will be paying the same amount no matter what she does, and focusing on her will just make you crazy. If you have to think about her, think about what dire straits she'll be in when CS and alimony end and she's never worked a day in her life.
Who does the major lifting in your household in terms of childcare and housework? If it's you, maybe it's time to focus on your husband instead of BM, and let him know that since you're the one putting in the big hours at work, and he has more time and less job stress, he needs to start handling the lion's share of household chores. That will give you more time with your child.
But to address the real issue . . . are your long hours and high stress temporary, or are they always going to be a part of this job? How much fulfillment do you get from your career? Would you get the same from a different job? Is your DD suffering from you working so much, or is she at an age (i.e., teenager) where she's into friends and activities and not focused on time with mom anyway? If the hours/stress are always going to be there, you're doing the job mostly for the money and your DD is being affected, then it's time to reevaluate. Downsizing the lifestyle for your child's sake and your mental health and happiness could be the right move, and frankly, if your husband doesn't want the lifestyle to suffer, maybe he could get a part-time job to make up the difference. If you're working over 60 hours a week, you are essentially working the equivalent of a full time job and a part time job. Why should you do more than he would be willing to do? There should be no guilt involved in choosing to improve your quality of life by downsizing.
I totally understand being resentful of BM and her leisurely lifestyle compared to yours - it SUCKS - but I'd focus on things that you can actually change, and whether you really want to change them.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your input, needed to hear it.
I usually try to block it out and change focus but I’m just finding it increasingly difficult to not have resentment build. In some ways I think I was crazy for marrying someone with all these obligations.
It’s not even just the support I find frustrating it is just her attitude of entitlement. And when I’m worked crazy I find it so hard to not have this anger build... I seriously feel like Cinderella over here, Lol
DH does do more of the housework... but then he seems resentful himseldnin fhis way because then I’m not pulling as much weight. He does work hard too... it’s just not equal. So I feel constantly like the house is not clean to where I would have it if I had more time to do it. So whenever he does anything it is “I cleaned ALl is fhis!”.... not in a mean way. But I can still tell there is a tone to it. Also, he is used to having a stay at home wife who cooks and cleans. He doesn’t understand how exhausted I am constantly. He commutes to work so is gone quite a bit as well, just not quite as much as I am.... and his job is not nearly as stressful and mentally demanding.
I do like aspects of my career but now it is mostly about the $. I just don’t know if I could slow down because I would feel too guilty giving up. I also honestly think he would resent if I did. I have had talks about it with him and he doesn’t seem to support me changing careers and instead is always trying to offer suggestions of how to deal with it better.
I do dress for work everyday. But I feel haggard by the end of the day. I feel like he thinks I’m just not pulling my weight around the house with housework. I feel like my daughter is suffering too. I have told him that this job is going to kill me and he just says “you just need to deal with the pressure better”. He does not understand. And it isn’t that he isn’t a nice person, I just think that he is expecting too much and doesn’t actually understand the demands that are on me. Plus he doesn’t understand how to live without having someone whose only job is sitting around (they even used to have a maid come in).
So I can’t help but feel expectations of her and expectations for me are very different and lopsided.... which makes me super resentful.