I asked him to move out, I don't think I can go back to living that way again.
This post is merely for support...So I can stay strong and not cave into something I know is not going to work or that is good for me and my DD. I asked him to move out on the 6th. We have not slept in the same bed since the 30th of January- my choice. I hate it when his kids come over on the weekends. They live with me, and I only have a 2 bedroom so I deal with them laying all over the common area of the apartment all weekend. They are so introverted and unsocial it just makes it awkward and I have come to dread it. When he moved in with me, it was supposed to be temporary till he got back on his feet (he was laid off) At the time I made the offer, take it or leave it.... I told him I was not going to agree to his full weekends because I was not ready for all of this...that I was only helping him for a couple of months. I said I would agree to Saturday morning till Sunday evening on his weekends.... unless relationships were built and things weren't so awkward..then we could discuss the full weekend. He took my offer...but of course with me being the one trashed by everyone because I was the one keeping him from his kids..."I didn't accept them" " I wanted him, not them" blah blah, I heard it all. During these 3 months here with me, our relationship and communication is non- existent, more fights over the kids and the horrible constrained weekends and more fights with BM. We have maybe 1 good week per month. I told him that when he moves out, I will not be staying with him....as in we are breaking up, because the trust simply isn't there and if we can't communicate under the same roof, it will only get worse ( I was cheated on before he moved in....long story)and I did not want to continue living this way. So in early January we devised a plan, a hard core plan of everyone working together and trying for two solid months to make things work with the kids, to work on the relationships, even to the point of me offering to give up my dining room and turn into a room for them...he just had to go get the stuff out of storage. A month later, here we are, nothing happened, nothing has changed. He disregarded all of it. If I am not tapping him on the shoulder playing mom, saying hey--remember me?...Nothing is done. He wants to take me out this weekend for my birthday but I am so scared that if I do, I will be sucked right back into this hell and false promises and the cycle will start all over again. I know I am rambling. Ultimately, I told him he and I are not in a place to throw the stress of his kids (8 and 14) onto me and I will not be doing weekends with them anymore. That once he moves out, we are over....he says well I am not moving out then...Again, I say I AM NOT DOING WEEKENDS!! He says he will figure something out. WTF?
STAY STRONG....DON"T CAVE!!!! That's what I keep telling myself.
AHHH I wish I could!! I don't
AHHH I wish I could!! I don't have many friends here.... All my friends are back home
But when you are older, who cares so much about birthdays anyways right?>
Then plan a pampering night
Then plan a pampering night out for yourself. Maybe a mani-pedi. Maybe a spa day. Maybe sign up for a class or something. Just stay away. This guy sounds like he is using you because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. Otherwise, he'd be more attentive to what you need as well as him and his kids.
Get a free consult with a
Get a free consult with a local attorney. If he has lived there for a certain amount of time (Each state is different) You will have to formally evict him. It's not a big deal just time consuming.
I think in Texas it's
I think in Texas it's easiest. Good thing she's not in CA...she'd be stuck with him and his kids for 3+ months for an eviction, even if he's not on the lease.
I can't believe there is a
I can't believe there is a soul on earth who would attack you for setting limits on when his children can be there when you are the one making it possible for the children to have anywhere to see dad at all!
You've given this guy plenty of support and plenty of options. And yet you are miserable. He is never going to step up to the plate.
You asked for strength to stay away from him so I'll say something harsh. Don't worry about him or the kids, it won't take long for him to find someone else willing to house them for the sake of "love." Just be glad your sentence is already served.
These men will keep deluding
These men will keep deluding themselves into thinking that:
1. They have something to offer and are a BIG PRIZE (god's gift to women)
2. Their children from a previous relationship is a PLUS to any woman they meet
3. SM should consider it a PRIVILEGE to support biodad and his brood from another uterus.
I once again had to set Chef straight last week after TEN YEARS! He has deluded himself into thinking that HE was soley responsible for my current success at work and "taking me out of the gutter/financially rescuing me"
If anything at all it was the complete opposite. When I met Chef he had already filed for bankruptcy as a young man, had serious marital debt that wasn't going to be resolved anytime soon and NO money or assets in his pocket. Just the shirt on his back! He finally had to break down and admit that I "keep him grounded." And by the way, I DON'T recommend this lifestyle to anyone. If you can bail in the early years, it is that much easier!
These men LoVe the "spin and project"
You are exactly right. He
You are exactly right. He keeps telling me all the reasons I am good for him....I am like " I know....I understand why you want to keep me in YOUR life...but what do you offer back? There is nothing that he does to enhance my life, only to add stress and heartache to it. SMH. I wish things were different, but promises only carry you so far....and that's not far at all.
We are here for you. All for
We are here for you. All for one and one for all. *Hugs*
I think he was trying to make
I think he was trying to make a point that he wants to stay together... I think he will go, not willingly, but he will. But to even want to stay when I took away the offer to have his kids stay? That is concerning. He thinks we will go back through the cycle, be all happy and giddy for a week then rope me back in with the kid drama.
Thanks to all of you!! I am trying SO hard to keep my head up and follow through, it is not easy. But I know there is more to life then THIS.
This happened to me 18 months
This happened to me 18 months ago when I asked my SO and his adult kid to leave (his other two were 1)living with BM for only 8 weeks and 2) his SD17 was living with Friends) and before that all 3 skids were living with me, with me being financially supporting everyone as my SO was needing to bankroll the lawyers..long story.
When my SO "gave" a $5000 car to unemployed adult step daughter who had just chucked in a FT apprenticeship as a hair dresser, when I was paying all the bills...i freaked out and said no more.
He went and lived firstly in his office for 6 months and then in a rental for 12 months ....I held firm but we slowly did reunite with boundaries.
Now we are back living together after his rental has recently expired but with rules and boundaries. He still pays for his adult daughters mobile...but thats not a hill to die on and will pick my battles.
So it is possible to re negotiate terms and make things clear about what you want and clearly explain the consequences. What your BF needs to do though IMO is to start showing signs of taking control of his own life and look for ways he can start adding value to your life...eg a job and having some pride. He took you for granted and by allowing him to use you, you continue to allow that so good for you in putting the foot down...which is what I did now that i look back. Good luck. Keep posting your concerns and we are all here to help. xx
Next time he goes to work,
Next time he goes to work, change the locks. "I am not moving out then" :jawdrop: Really?
Quit playing footsies with this idiot and call the locksmith NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is a manipultor. If you allow him to stay or even maintain any contact after you change the locks he will very likely weasel his way back in and not long after that so will his spawn.
Take care of yourself and your DD.
So this is YOUR apartment?
So this is YOUR apartment? You do not have children? Looks like you should find another apartment and give notice where you are - if he won't move, but who is the lease under? If it's just you, then you have to do what is best for you to move on and start over. I had an ex that wouldn't move out, I gave him 30-days notice and then still had to push to get him out. Unfortunately where I live in California if you co-habitate you can't just toss someone out. But I owned my house, it took some doing but I got him out. That was 17 years ago. Now I'm on this site because my husband's Mother is driving me nuts!
Good luck@
Kick his ass to the curb.
Kick his ass to the curb. You need someone that makes your life better, not worse.