"I expect more from you"
Am I setting my kids up for future therapy by saying I expect more from you....
....than the step kids?
Also, reversing that, is that horrible to say that in front of my step kids?
I find that I need to step back from trying to constantly trying to make my step kids meet my behavior expectations. It's just not going to happen. They're not terrible and the stress it causes me from constantly reminding/reprimanding them is not worth it. I am really trying to work on " I am not responsible for the outcome/adults these kids turn into "
That being said, I am faced with reminding/reprimanding my kids for the same behavior in front of their step-siblings because I DO care about doing all I can to make sure my kids are equipped with certain tools.
Thoughts, experience with this situation, advice???
Yup, I battled with this,
Yup, I battled with this, since my kids and SK's are fairly close in age. This was especially bad when they were younger... I'd tell my DS not to do something, and the SK's (right in front of their dad) would do exactly that thing. Do you think DH would say anything? House rules were day in day out for my kids, but constantly broken for his kids (because DH didn't want them to be mad at him, they may not come over anymore!)
I finally had a sit down with MY kids. Was very open and honest with them and this is what I told them:
1) You two are my kids, therefore I make rules for you and expect you to follow them
2) Undoubtedly you will see those same rules broken by the SK's. I know it's difficult to understand but know what? They're not my business, YOU are. I can't expect them to meet my expectations because I'm not their parent. Parenting of the SK's will be left to their mom and dad.
3) It's unfair. I know it is. But life is sometimes unfair and you will always see people treated differently. Get used to it. And know when you grow older and into adulthood, these rules and expectations I have for you now will serve you well later in life.
But the one think I CANNOT stand, and deal with every day... DH was always afraid to say anything to his chillins about house rules, but to this day he can be all over my kids like white on rice. I don't stand for it AT ALL. I've told him if he can't parent his own children, he's certainly NOT going to parent mine. He needs to butt out of the discipline and let me (and ONLY me) take care of it.
The unfortunate part is this -- although my kids treat him respectfully on the surface, I know they've lost all respect for him down deep because the double standards were glaringly obvious for many years. They're resentful, and I don't blame them (I am too). But again, I've taught my children well and don't act like turds towards DH like his kids act towards me.
Wow! Great advice about the
Wow! Great advice about the talk, thanks.
My DH also does the white on rice thing with my kids too ( although not very often ). I chalk it up to they're his skids and therefore more annoying to him.
wow just read this and what
wow just read this and what great advice i'm gonna be taking! I've always had that dilemma with my son and SS but i'm definitely going to have this kind of chat with my DS, thank you
Well put. That double
Well put. That double standard would be really hard to live with, it sounds like you handle it quite well.
I think all you can do is
I think all you can do is tell your own kids, you are not in control of the parenting of your skids. That all you can do is raise them to try and be good examples for others.
There is nothing wrong with setting expectations and boundaries for your children.
I am so glad I read this
I am so glad I read this today.
I had a long talk with my DD12 last night because she has 2 C's on her report card. I expect MORE from her. Her response... "SS has an F in math, in he is in there playing video games". Yup, he is, and his DAD knows it. That's their problem.
And this is coming from a VERY active stepmom. I give up on his school work. I will help him with his homework and do what I can, but if his "mom" and dad aren't going to take the time to work out his FAILING math grade, I just don't care.
you're doing good. i'd say
you're doing good. i'd say it right in front of skids, too if need be. but, make sure YOUR kids get the rewards of doing as told, and if it calls for it, right in front of skids. I wouldn't purposely do these things in front of skids, but I wouldn't try to hide it, either. they happen to be around while you're parenting. can't hide life from them.