Exactly. If I had known what it's like there's no way I would have ever married a man who already had a child. Better off single than deal with all of this the rest of our lives. It's really horrible and it doesn't help that my husband is a clueless jack@$$ when it comes to understanding my feelings (nor does he seem to want to understand them nor try). It's beyond frustrating.
Luck would have it that during my dating life, I didn't date anyone w/children. But I ended marrying a man with kids and now have a coddled brat adult SD (27) who still thinks and acts 12 . . . and still lives with us. :sick:
I have it a million times easier than many of you on here, and I still would never do it the same if I had any idea! I would NEVER, EVER choose a man 15 years older than me, especially if he had any children. NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER AGAIN! The whole "been there, done that" attitude he's given over every "special" occasion is beyond old. I can't believe we talked about BM as I was giving birth!!
This might sounds sad but I'm really happy to read this. I'm a young stepmom to one SD10 and I hate it. I hate when she calls me mom in public and can't stand so many of the things she does. My husband always says shes just a kid all kids are like that but I don't think so I really think it's her. I love my husband more than anything in the world. I knew being a stepmom would take work but we've been together 5yrs. lived together 3yrs and married for 1yr and I still can't stand her. In fact its gotten worse. I'd leave if I didn't love my husband so damn much.
All kids ARE like that, but when they're your flesh and blood, there's something different about it. I know because BMs and BDs say it to me all the time... "It's different when they're you're own". Yup, you don't feel enslaved, you love every little thing they do, and you can't see how much their flaws effect your spouse. When you're SP, though, you have the "advantage" of seeing all of their at-home behaviors, without the blinders.. Oh how I wish for blinders like the BMs and BDs have.
I have a SS6 and its hel...l around here, if I'd known how my husband and SS were goin to be acting 6 mths after our marriage I would have RAN! But I have recently began reading the book "Stepmonster" and I HIGHLY recommend EVERY STEPMOM reading it... it is wonderful.. well worth the 25$!!!
I've never found a more comforting site or thread than this one. I agree with you all - worst of all I've spent the last 6-yrs being told by my DH and family that I am an awful person and evil for not just loving someone elese's kids even though they treat me like crap and generally drive me insane. Thanks for the advice on the read. I certainly will. I've read all I can find on the subject of step parenting and honestly haven't found much and have found none of it to be of any use...since they all seem to just basically tell you to suck it up and start kissing butts, your wrong.
Ignored . .your comments are too funny. Also to those w/younger steps, if I listed all the stuff my adult SD has pulled, one would think she was 12. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm inclined to think that if they are younger, you can at least discipline them to some extent, and you can send them to bed, etc. As far as I'm concerned, when they're older (and live with you), they are set in their ways and and much more difficult to live with.
i hate it too. there is absolutely not one thing I like about it and I grow to hate it more every single f'in day. I am not a hate filled person, I do not hate any ONE, I am not an angry individual, I like peace, harmony, like to avoid conflict-but I freaking cannot stand my ss. I cannot stand how stupid my dh is in regards to his son. I cant stand being around dh when he's around ss and in fact i cannot even stand hearing dh mention what he thinks or feels regarding ss. If dh died, I would never, ever see ss again-I wouldnt call him, write him, and I wouldnt allow my kids to either (not that they would want to either) Dh is constantly wanting me to "give him a chance"-like 11 years of freaking chances are not enough? You'd think he'd figure out by now that the kid is who he is and he isnt changing.
Ugh. Hate it. Especially hate the feeling of being totally powerless unless I can somehow convince FDH to get onboard with that whole wacky concept of dicipline.
In agreement. It's PAINFUL having a SD! The older they get, the worse. And not so smart husbands seem to always take their side, NO MATTER WHAT. Ugh, I always tell people to not get involved with someone who already has children.
I absolutely love kids always have the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother.... But skids omg well, they are a whole other breed of children to say the least! If things didn't work out with the hubby I'd run the other way from any man with kids!
Omg Chanel ss10 came here thurs he has not showers or brushed his teeth until last night! It was an hour long battle just for DH to get him to do it!!!! ANA hubby just had the nerve to say je listens all weekend yeah ok...
Hold up ladies! Don't forget the guys - I hate being a step-parent too! The lousy attitudes, the complete lack of parental authority, the attempts drive a wedge between me and my DW - my SD17 has done it all. I am just waiting for the night that we get a call from the cops, telling us that she ran over someone while drag-racing. Or better yet, the call where she tells us that she's pregnant, keeping the kid, and expects us to raise it for her! The list goes on and on - yippeee!
Aww this is sad, but I so can relate. I think my step children are nice most of the time and sometimes they are not so nice, but the feelings of being second, third, or even last on the list sucks. Not saying anything when I don't agree with how they treat their dad or even me...becasue it starts an argument. All of our extra money being spent on them,buying clothes and shoes, and food, and paying for all the extras, sports, healthcare, and everything else that apparently you don't have to use child support for, never getting to watch anything on TV or ever going on a vacation I want to go on( not that we can afford it)....Sigh and then the daily operations, being undermined, being a maid and cook when I've worked 12 hours and breast feed an infant and clean up and wash and feed him too (our son together), everyone disregarding your feelings, and compromising all the time when no one else has to. It does stink. If I could do it over again, I probably would have opted to be single. But, I am all in, I love my family even though they make me sick and get on my nerves, and truly don't appreciate me.......Oh for the days when I was single and only had me to worry about....10 years and counting and I will be skid free...I can see it now...
I hate swins so much that when the BM takes 'em (rare but does happen 1st of the month ya know) I wish for police to notify DH that BM & twins are french fries due to car accident/massive explosion. (Such as her smoking while transporting a gas can). And if she survived she say: "its DH's fault, he didn't pay enough child support for lawn service". I really believe she'll play a huge part in their demise although she'll wiggle out of being responsible for it. For example, I bet none of them wear seat belts when w/her. Or even protective hearing devices when shoting her guns, i.e. target practice.
i guess i shouldnt feel guilty anymore....this is difficult..i dont like being a step mom either...it is hard work and i try my best but at the end of the day my efforts are gone to shit....i love my husband mor than anything and plenty of times i have thought of leaving....but thank god i am not alone....if i were to do this again, i dont think i would want to be with someone who had kids either....its a hard and thankless job...and you dont get shit on mother's day either...well i dont anyway :? ...
Worst thing that ever happened to me, and knowing now, I would say Never Again! (hence the screen name). It never ends. Even after divorce, I still have to have contact with grown skid when he's in town. Acutally, he doesn't have contact with me, but interferes in our family get togethers. Always guilting my kids into spending time with him. I will never forgive him because when my mother was literally DYING, and my son and daughter were in her hospital room, he kept calling them, wanted to know when they could meet up, because they PROMISED to go out to for drinks, and he was leaving in the morning. I will never, ever forgive him for that.
I have never felt guilty about hating my station as a SM. The problem is that everything thinks I should. And they all think I should keep my mouth shut too. That's what I hate about it. I can't tell a friend not to date a guy because he has kids. I can't suggest that my male buddy should marry a woman that has a kid because it's hell. I can't even try to give advice to the girl that has her eyes set on the man with 3 daughters and a psycho BM. (And it wasn't advice including "Run!" or "Forget about him!") I hate that my mother (MY OWN MOTHER!) makes me feel guilty for not "keeping up" on the "trainin" that mothers are supposed to do. FUCH YOU MOM...She only ever had girls and only ever had 1 man and never had to deal with this crap. She's the best at guilt. Then, my DH decides that the is going to get on the guilt train. I ask "So, am I supposed to love every single thing about your kids?" and "Are you saying your children are perfect?" and "So, you've never complained about them?" He says "I just want to go to bed and never hear you complain about my kids" I feel like saying "then make it so I don't have to deal with them." My feelings are that once they're out of my house, I will be overjoyed.
I hate it and my SD never leaves. Funny, I also never dated anyone with kids then ended up marrying one. Over it and only been married for a little over a year..................
I have come to the conclusion that you don't start out hating it. In fact you start out with the best of intentions. But gradually over time, the lack of spousal support, incessant disrespect & blatant disregard for us as individuals.... wears you down. In the end you're put in a position of conflict (which is constant where skids are concerned), resentment, irritation, questioning & yes, anger.
It's sad... as someone else said, I'm not an angry person & I dislike conflict & I definitely don't hate anyone. But I am currently lying next to a man who is ignoring me because I had the audacity to tell him how it is last night. Picture the scene...skids arrive at 4pm via paternal Grandparents who'd been babysitting for them. There's a lot of hoohah & hullaballoo until they go to bed at 9pm (they're 7 & 10). H & I go downstairs for a late supper. Okay before we go, I close my study door. I know skids aren't long in bed & my laptop is still on. So I close the door so it's shut tight. This is a door that kinda sticks so you have to shut it properly. So I do. 2 hrs later we come upstairs & the door is open..?! I know that neither he or I have been upstairs in the intervening 2 hours.
So I say to H in a blithe manner "tell the skids to stay out of there when I'm not in there". He retorts "they haven't been in there!" I'm so gobsmacked I could hardly speak. So I say "excuse me are you serious?" then ensues a row about how the precious kids couldn't have been in there because he'd have heard them (he can't hear jack because he's has an ear infection). So he went to sleep last night insistent that I was wrong & either the door wasn't open (it was) or it just plain wasn't the kids. So when I ask him to put it logically & say "how did the door open itself?" he says "I have no idea but it wasn't the kids". So I explain how a basic disregard for me & my privacy in my home us unacceptable - so he tells me it's one too many times I call this MY home (Erm that's cos it is my home & was well before he ever came into my life!!) So I also explain how I'm alienated for even raising reasonable issues. His response "fine keep the effin door locked".
Have to say... had my eyes well & truly opened to his REAL feelings last night. I didn't think he'd become like all the regular ST Disney Dads here. But well looks like I was wrong. Realised last night that my marriage of 10 months is doomed.
As you all have said...this is hard and I dont think Id EVER do it again, but I have three of my own, so itd be step situation anyways...I think for the most part the kids can be taught, its the man that cant...lol...
I know how you feel. Some days it don't bother me, then others it does. Especially when I think about how much money we give to the BM abd when they come to our apt. It makes me sick that we have a baby and can't even afford a two bedroom apt at the moment but yet the BM can take them to seaworld, vacation, the zoo, have cable. We don't even have cable or a computer our means of watching tv is DVDs. Im so worried my daughter is going to miss out because daddy wants to spoil his princes when they are here, as well as child support. I'm not saying he shouldn't have to pay child support but he jumps on to me because I said I'm worried our daughter is going to miss out cause we pay so much CS plus they do stuff all the time when they are with us. It makes me so upset! I mean I have no family support so we can't ever go on a date at all, she will send them to her sisters. I feel screwed! I mean the BM don't really work has 4 different baby daddy's, and is able to go to las vegas and afford all this other crap! While my husband and I have no support, live in a tiny apt, it's so frustrating!! I feel for my daughter, my husband tells ms that when she is 9 we can take her to Disney World because we won't be paying child support then and I'm thinking yeah but I'm sure we will have to pay their way cause you'll feel bad at 18 if they have to earn their way. Their mom does stuff with them all the freaking time!! I mean the kids have tons of support from family, why can't we ever do just anything with our family. I'm not saying all the time but I'd like stuff done with just our family once in awhile. Thanks for letting me vent lol
Sooooo with ya!! I am on my way out the door in regards to this relationship. 5 years with BF. He had 6 I had 2 and we have one together. I am leaving and I WILL NEVER EVER EVER date another man with kids..... EVER!!!! I don't care I have to be single for the rest of my life!
Exactly. If I had known what
Exactly. If I had known what it's like there's no way I would have ever married a man who already had a child. Better off single than deal with all of this the rest of our lives. It's really horrible and it doesn't help that my husband is a clueless jack@$$ when it comes to understanding my feelings (nor does he seem to want to understand them nor try). It's beyond frustrating.
Amen.
Amen.
Luck would have it that
Luck would have it that during my dating life, I didn't date anyone w/children. But I ended marrying a man with kids and now have a coddled brat adult SD (27) who still thinks and acts 12 . . . and still lives with us. :sick:
I'm with you. So much so,
I'm with you. So much so, that I don't even like to refer to myself as such.
NEVER AGAIN if things didn't work out.
I have it a million times
I have it a million times easier than many of you on here, and I still would never do it the same if I had any idea! I would NEVER, EVER choose a man 15 years older than me, especially if he had any children. NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER AGAIN! The whole "been there, done that" attitude he's given over every "special" occasion is beyond old. I can't believe we talked about BM as I was giving birth!!
This might sounds sad but I'm
This might sounds sad but I'm really happy to read this. I'm a young stepmom to one SD10 and I hate it. I hate when she calls me mom in public and can't stand so many of the things she does. My husband always says shes just a kid all kids are like that but I don't think so I really think it's her. I love my husband more than anything in the world. I knew being a stepmom would take work but we've been together 5yrs. lived together 3yrs and married for 1yr and I still can't stand her. In fact its gotten worse. I'd leave if I didn't love my husband so damn much.
All kids ARE like that, but
All kids ARE like that, but when they're your flesh and blood, there's something different about it. I know because BMs and BDs say it to me all the time... "It's different when they're you're own". Yup, you don't feel enslaved, you love every little thing they do, and you can't see how much their flaws effect your spouse. When you're SP, though, you have the "advantage" of seeing all of their at-home behaviors, without the blinders.. Oh how I wish for blinders like the BMs and BDs have.
I have a SS6 and its hel...l
I have a SS6 and its hel...l around here, if I'd known how my husband and SS were goin to be acting 6 mths after our marriage I would have RAN! But I have recently began reading the book "Stepmonster" and I HIGHLY recommend EVERY STEPMOM reading it... it is wonderful.. well worth the 25$!!!
I've never found a more
I've never found a more comforting site or thread than this one. I agree with you all - worst of all I've spent the last 6-yrs being told by my DH and family that I am an awful person and evil for not just loving someone elese's kids even though they treat me like crap and generally drive me insane. Thanks for the advice on the read. I certainly will. I've read all I can find on the subject of step parenting and honestly haven't found much and have found none of it to be of any use...since they all seem to just basically tell you to suck it up and start kissing butts, your wrong.
Ignored . .your comments are
Ignored . .your comments are too funny. Also to those w/younger steps, if I listed all the stuff my adult SD has pulled, one would think she was 12. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm inclined to think that if they are younger, you can at least discipline them to some extent, and you can send them to bed, etc. As far as I'm concerned, when they're older (and live with you), they are set in their ways and and much more difficult to live with.
i hate it too. there is
i hate it too. there is absolutely not one thing I like about it and I grow to hate it more every single f'in day. I am not a hate filled person, I do not hate any ONE, I am not an angry individual, I like peace, harmony, like to avoid conflict-but I freaking cannot stand my ss. I cannot stand how stupid my dh is in regards to his son. I cant stand being around dh when he's around ss and in fact i cannot even stand hearing dh mention what he thinks or feels regarding ss. If dh died, I would never, ever see ss again-I wouldnt call him, write him, and I wouldnt allow my kids to either (not that they would want to either) Dh is constantly wanting me to "give him a chance"-like 11 years of freaking chances are not enough? You'd think he'd figure out by now that the kid is who he is and he isnt changing.
A-MEN. You said it exactly
A-MEN. You said it exactly right!!!!!!
You said it all!! I'm always
You said it all!! I'm always amazed at how different my DH is when PITA SS is around, like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde
I hate it too. Its so
I hate it too.
Its so peaceful when shes not with us. I wish we lived far away and see her like once a year.
Ugh. Hate it. Especially hate
Ugh. Hate it. Especially hate the feeling of being totally powerless unless I can somehow convince FDH to get onboard with that whole wacky concept of dicipline.
In agreement. It's PAINFUL
In agreement. It's PAINFUL having a SD! The older they get, the worse. And not so smart husbands seem to always take their side, NO MATTER WHAT. Ugh, I always tell people to not get involved with someone who already has children.
like I said, PAINFUL
I absolutely love kids always
I absolutely love kids always have the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother.... But skids omg well, they are a whole other breed of children to say the least! If things didn't work out with the hubby I'd run the other way from any man with kids!
Omg Chanel ss10 came here
Omg Chanel ss10 came here thurs he has not showers or brushed his teeth until last night! It was an hour long battle just for DH to get him to do it!!!! ANA hubby just had the nerve to say je listens all weekend yeah ok...
Hold up ladies! Don't forget
Hold up ladies! Don't forget the guys - I hate being a step-parent too! The lousy attitudes, the complete lack of parental authority, the attempts drive a wedge between me and my DW - my SD17 has done it all. I am just waiting for the night that we get a call from the cops, telling us that she ran over someone while drag-racing. Or better yet, the call where she tells us that she's pregnant, keeping the kid, and expects us to raise it for her! The list goes on and on - yippeee!
Aww this is sad, but I so can
Aww this is sad, but I so can relate. I think my step children are nice most of the time and sometimes they are not so nice, but the feelings of being second, third, or even last on the list sucks. Not saying anything when I don't agree with how they treat their dad or even me...becasue it starts an argument. All of our extra money being spent on them,buying clothes and shoes, and food, and paying for all the extras, sports, healthcare, and everything else that apparently you don't have to use child support for, never getting to watch anything on TV or ever going on a vacation I want to go on( not that we can afford it)....Sigh and then the daily operations, being undermined, being a maid and cook when I've worked 12 hours and breast feed an infant and clean up and wash and feed him too (our son together), everyone disregarding your feelings, and compromising all the time when no one else has to. It does stink. If I could do it over again, I probably would have opted to be single. But, I am all in, I love my family even though they make me sick and get on my nerves, and truly don't appreciate me.......Oh for the days when I was single and only had me to worry about....10 years and counting and I will be skid free...I can see it now...
I hate swins so much that
I hate swins so much that when the BM takes 'em (rare but does happen 1st of the month ya know) I wish for police to notify DH that BM & twins are french fries due to car accident/massive explosion. (Such as her smoking while transporting a gas can). And if she survived she say: "its DH's fault, he didn't pay enough child support for lawn service". I really believe she'll play a huge part in their demise although she'll wiggle out of being responsible for it. For example, I bet none of them wear seat belts when w/her. Or even protective hearing devices when shoting her guns, i.e. target practice.
i guess i shouldnt feel
i guess i shouldnt feel guilty anymore....this is difficult..i dont like being a step mom either...it is hard work and i try my best but at the end of the day my efforts are gone to shit....i love my husband mor than anything and plenty of times i have thought of leaving....but thank god i am not alone....if i were to do this again, i dont think i would want to be with someone who had kids either....its a hard and thankless job...and you dont get shit on mother's day either...well i dont anyway :? ...
Worst thing that ever
Worst thing that ever happened to me, and knowing now, I would say Never Again! (hence the screen name). It never ends. Even after divorce, I still have to have contact with grown skid when he's in town. Acutally, he doesn't have contact with me, but interferes in our family get togethers. Always guilting my kids into spending time with him. I will never forgive him because when my mother was literally DYING, and my son and daughter were in her hospital room, he kept calling them, wanted to know when they could meet up, because they PROMISED to go out to for drinks, and he was leaving in the morning. I will never, ever forgive him for that.
I am hating it more everyday.
I am hating it more everyday.
Sometimes I want to run away.
Sometimes I want to run away.
I have never felt guilty
I have never felt guilty about hating my station as a SM. The problem is that everything thinks I should. And they all think I should keep my mouth shut too. That's what I hate about it. I can't tell a friend not to date a guy because he has kids. I can't suggest that my male buddy should marry a woman that has a kid because it's hell. I can't even try to give advice to the girl that has her eyes set on the man with 3 daughters and a psycho BM. (And it wasn't advice including "Run!" or "Forget about him!") I hate that my mother (MY OWN MOTHER!) makes me feel guilty for not "keeping up" on the "trainin" that mothers are supposed to do. FUCH YOU MOM...She only ever had girls and only ever had 1 man and never had to deal with this crap. She's the best at guilt. Then, my DH decides that the is going to get on the guilt train. I ask "So, am I supposed to love every single thing about your kids?" and "Are you saying your children are perfect?" and "So, you've never complained about them?" He says "I just want to go to bed and never hear you complain about my kids" I feel like saying "then make it so I don't have to deal with them." My feelings are that once they're out of my house, I will be overjoyed.
I hate it and my SD never
I hate it and my SD never leaves. Funny, I also never dated anyone with kids then ended up marrying one. Over it and only been married for a little over a year..................
I have come to the conclusion
I have come to the conclusion that you don't start out hating it. In fact you start out with the best of intentions. But gradually over time, the lack of spousal support, incessant disrespect & blatant disregard for us as individuals.... wears you down. In the end you're put in a position of conflict (which is constant where skids are concerned), resentment, irritation, questioning & yes, anger.
It's sad... as someone else said, I'm not an angry person & I dislike conflict & I definitely don't hate anyone. But I am currently lying next to a man who is ignoring me because I had the audacity to tell him how it is last night. Picture the scene...skids arrive at 4pm via paternal Grandparents who'd been babysitting for them. There's a lot of hoohah & hullaballoo until they go to bed at 9pm (they're 7 & 10). H & I go downstairs for a late supper. Okay before we go, I close my study door. I know skids aren't long in bed & my laptop is still on. So I close the door so it's shut tight. This is a door that kinda sticks so you have to shut it properly. So I do. 2 hrs later we come upstairs & the door is open..?! I know that neither he or I have been upstairs in the intervening 2 hours.
So I say to H in a blithe manner "tell the skids to stay out of there when I'm not in there". He retorts "they haven't been in there!" I'm so gobsmacked I could hardly speak. So I say "excuse me are you serious?" then ensues a row about how the precious kids couldn't have been in there because he'd have heard them (he can't hear jack because he's has an ear infection). So he went to sleep last night insistent that I was wrong & either the door wasn't open (it was) or it just plain wasn't the kids. So when I ask him to put it logically & say "how did the door open itself?" he says "I have no idea but it wasn't the kids". So I explain how a basic disregard for me & my privacy in my home us unacceptable - so he tells me it's one too many times I call this MY home (Erm that's cos it is my home & was well before he ever came into my life!!) So I also explain how I'm alienated for even raising reasonable issues. His response "fine keep the effin door locked".
Have to say... had my eyes well & truly opened to his REAL feelings last night. I didn't think he'd become like all the regular ST Disney Dads here. But well looks like I was wrong. Realised last night that my marriage of 10 months is doomed.
As you all have said...this
As you all have said...this is hard and I dont think Id EVER do it again, but I have three of my own, so itd be step situation anyways...I think for the most part the kids can be taught, its the man that cant...lol...
I know how you feel. Some
I know how you feel. Some days it don't bother me, then others it does. Especially when I think about how much money we give to the BM abd when they come to our apt. It makes me sick that we have a baby and can't even afford a two bedroom apt at the moment but yet the BM can take them to seaworld, vacation, the zoo, have cable. We don't even have cable or a computer our means of watching tv is DVDs. Im so worried my daughter is going to miss out because daddy wants to spoil his princes when they are here, as well as child support. I'm not saying he shouldn't have to pay child support but he jumps on to me because I said I'm worried our daughter is going to miss out cause we pay so much CS plus they do stuff all the time when they are with us. It makes me so upset! I mean I have no family support so we can't ever go on a date at all, she will send them to her sisters. I feel screwed! I mean the BM don't really work has 4 different baby daddy's, and is able to go to las vegas and afford all this other crap! While my husband and I have no support, live in a tiny apt, it's so frustrating!! I feel for my daughter, my husband tells ms that when she is 9 we can take her to Disney World because we won't be paying child support then and I'm thinking yeah but I'm sure we will have to pay their way cause you'll feel bad at 18 if they have to earn their way. Their mom does stuff with them all the freaking time!! I mean the kids have tons of support from family, why can't we ever do just anything with our family. I'm not saying all the time but I'd like stuff done with just our family once in awhile. Thanks for letting me vent lol
Thank God for everyone
Thank God for everyone here!!!!!
sorry-I should say everyone
sorry-I should say everyone except the idiots that want to run everyone down...you know know who you are....
I agree with rancherswife,
I agree with rancherswife, Thank God I found this site!! I thought I was losing my mind!!
Sooooo with ya!! I am on my
Sooooo with ya!! I am on my way out the door in regards to this relationship. 5 years with BF. He had 6 I had 2 and we have one together. I am leaving and I WILL NEVER EVER EVER date another man with kids..... EVER!!!! I don't care I have to be single for the rest of my life!