i hate my partners custody agreement
just a note; this isn’t a court ordered agreement, just agreement between my partner and bm.
i have hated the way my partner has his children since the moment we got together(2 years ago)—but i wasn’t about to interfere with things that had been set in place for 3 years and was working for him, bm and the kids.
he has them every wednesday&thursday after work until their bedtime, and then one week friday-saturday 6pm, the next saturday 11am-sunday 6pm.
it’s not the children that i hate or the time being spent with them—it’s the lack of time my partner and i get together.
we only have evenings after work together on a monday; tuesdays is his day to see friends; wednesday&thursday leaves us with 1-2 hours alone together, depending how long the kids take to get to sleep once back at bm’s (he puts them to bed and stays until properly asleep so bm doesn’t have to deal with any naughty bed time behaviour on her evenings off).
depending which weekend it is we have a friday evening. Or a saturday evening and the whole of sunday.
in a whole year we have 24 full 24hr days together of just us time. unless he takes time off work, which is usually only done to have the kids in the holidays.
like i said, i have always disliked this arrangement. i hate it even more now that we have our own daughter. what limited time we had in the evenings are no longer guaranteed, and. even if we found a sitter for our daughter (my aunt and mother have offered many times to have her for a weekend so we could do things) it wouldn’t matter, because we never have a free weekend to do anything anyway.
bm has said about doing EOW but only if my partner would still do every wednesday and thursday—he wanted to drop thursdays on his week to have them the weekend, she refused because this is karaoke night— and so it never changed.
i have mentioned how i feel about this a few times to my partner, and all he says is if he could change it he would. the only way this does change is if we get main custody of the children (which is seeming more likely every day, but that’s a discussion for another time).
i guess the point to this ramble is how can i better learn to deal with this, since changing it is clearly not a possibility with the way bm is… i feel like i can never have a break and honestly, i just miss my partner.
From an enforcability
From an enforcability perspective, no CO, no custody agreement. Either party can take and keep the kids and deny the other parent visitation, money, etc, etc, etc...
Better to have a CO, established CS, and a visitation schedule to prevent the other parent from initiating action going after back support, and any number of other breeding extortion punishments against their X and the X's new partner.
As a partner to a failed family bio parent, SP's should IMHO demand a court ordered CO including CS and visitation regardless which side of the NCP/CP line our marriage falls on. Learn the CO, know the CO, enforce the CO, love the CO. The side that does, ultimately holds the other side against the proverbial wall by the short and curlies.
My DW had a CO allowed us to mitigate the toxic manipulations of the SpermClan and keep them pummelled into submition for the 16+ years we lived under a my SS's CO.
We both knew the CO, supplemental county rules and state regularions backwards, forwards, upside down, and sideways. We both had copies of all of those in our work hard drives so when the SpermGrandHag would call and rant, demand, threaten, and claim that she could do something or that we could't, DW would conference me into her calls and I would DM her chapter, verse, and document line to beat SPermGrandHag with. Something interestingly pathetic is that it was obviouse the whole 16+ years that no one in the SpermClan had ever even read the CO much less the supplemental jurisdictional rules or State regulations.
So, we won. Over, and over, and over again. And, we did what we wanted because they didn't know if we couldn't.
Even in your situation, the NCP has a single distinct advantage including those under a CO that they do not have to accept any visitation they choose not to accept. Getting couple time is solely and simply a matter of not taking a visitation. "No, I will not be taking the next visitation. CLICK!" End of discussion and the CP has no choice but to continue to care and provide for the kid as they are paid to under the CS element of the CO.
The CP is paid to care for the kid. NCPs far more often than not refuse to see that as the case.
Sounds like BM has a sweet
Sounds like BM has a sweet deal - ALL the weekend?! And he puts them to bed in HER home so she isn't inconvenienced?! No wonder he hasn't any time for you and your baby, he's way too busy keeping his ex happy.
I don't understand how he has
I don't understand how he has custody two evenings a week until they go to bed.. is he doing his visitations at his Exes?
That seems like a super disruptive schedule for the kids tbh..
And... if he is having weekly time with his friends... isn't that like 52 nights he isn't with you a year (probably a few less due to holidays.. but still)??
I am not sure if I got this right.. but it sounds like he is getting them every weekend.. one weekend the full weekend.. the other weekend only one day of it?
The place you have to tread lightly on is that you have a child. .with you full time.. so it's hard to complain about time with his kids.. when you don't have to suffer the fact that your child is only with less than full time.
but, I can see how the schedule would be more difficult to manage because it is always in and out.. lots of transfers.
If you lived close enough.. would one night a week.. then perhaps a full week and a weekend work out better for you.. you would have two weekends off and more nights during the week
"back at bm’s (he puts them
"back at bm’s (he puts them to bed and stays until properly asleep so bm doesn’t have to deal with any naughty bed time behaviour on her evenings off)."
Hmmmm. This seems fishy.
i thought so too in the
i thought so too in the beginning, but it's due to their old arrangement and him letting things slide for way too long. any attempt at changes now just causes arguments and paragraphs of "you don't care about the kids you're always putting them last to her and your new baby" (which has NEVER happened).
But.. you know what is even
But.. you know what is even more confusing to kids than him having two homes? It's that he hangs out at his Exe's.. they see their parents together in that home.. THAT is confusing... and makes the appearance of "happy family".
And.. it's rich that he is going to say you are putting the kids last.. when it seems that his schedule with BM and his kids takes every priority over your ability to have a home life with him.. and his other child deserves to have a dad that is present too.
If the kids are getting older.. maybe school age.. why not use THAT as a reason to set something up that is not as unsettled as their current arrangement?
I was unclear, sorry!! he has
I was unclear, sorry!! he has nothing to do with bm now other than 5 minutes at pick up and drop offs at weekends. he ignores any unnecessary texts and phone calls, they're always arguments when he does reply because she twists things, lies and tries changing agreements constantly. he doesn't see her during the bedtime portion, the kids go straight up to bed and he sits outside their rooms until he believes they're sound asleep. the texts are from bm to him; in her mind HE doesn't care for them and prioritises myself and our daughter, which is so far from the truth.
the kids being in school is no matter to bm. until october she was still off out until gone 11pm expecting my partner to then drive them home and put them to bed, because before the kids would come to our home he was always at hers any way so it didn't matter how long she was out as they would be asleep at normal time. it's taken a lot of back and forth for her to agree to them being dropped AT their bed time, and not a minute before or else again, "partner doesn't care about them"
When we were kids.. we were
When we were kids.. we were not allowed to do much "on a school night".. I think two days a week is a lot to be shuttled from house to house.. it would be better to just do overnights.. one of those days instead.. dad can deal with bedtime at his house.. and can get them up and off to school the next day.. that seems a lot more parental than basically babysitting two evenings a week.
I agree, my mums arrangement
I agree, my mums arrangement with my dad was EOW and every wednesday. on his weekend the wednesday would be dinner and then back home to get ready for bed with mum, the other would be an over night and he would take me to school.
All this back and forth and disturbed sleep from falling asleep in the car and being carried to bed isn't good for these kids. partner agrees but bm doesn't see it as beneficial for the kids and their mental, only as something my partner and i benefit from so she won't do it
He has a perfect reason to
He has a perfect reason to keep them overnight APART from obviously Improving their sleep - she says he doesn't see them enough, so keeping them overnight is the perfect opportunity.
i did reply to your original
i did reply to your original comment but for some reason it hasnt posted?
my partner starts work at 5 in the morning. they live close enough that we can have them so often but not close enough that i would be able to take them into school. i don't drive and it's an hour walk on my own, let alone towing two kids and a baby.
I saw below that he is going
I saw below that he is going into some mediation.. and it sounds like he really needs to get his ducks in a row.. and possibly needs to seek his own legal counsel to be present and involved.
A few thoughts.
First.. He needs to try to figure out what he wants.. and what he can do to improve the situation.. would he like to have more custody time with his kids? Maybe a set up with less frequent switches during the school year but full time more during summer and school breaks? Plenty of parents have a situation where one parent is primary custody with the other seeing their child every other weekend plus some weeks during school breaks. it usually means they have to pony up some more child support payments.. but there is some give and take in that she has them more.. so has to have more support.
Second, that social workers are involved should put up your defensive hackles.. he needs to understand if he is being accused of any neglect.. are YOU being accused?. you have a baby that has their custody in your home at risk.. if the accusation is that there is any neglect or abuse in your home.. your child could be taken from YOU. do not go into this blindly.
Third,, I get that his job's hours are to start at 5.. not sure what he does.. and whether there is any flexibility in that to have amended hours so that he can see to his children's needs.. and maybe it means that he looks for a job that WILL allow him that ability. It should not necessarily be on you to do that. But.. do you have plans to become more self sufficient so you can provide your own transportation? it seems awfully limiting to have to rely on him when he has so many other obligations.
i don't think she's accusing
i don't think she's accusing him of abuse or neglect, he has spoken to this woman that has arranged everything it wasn't brought up: only that bm is saying he doesn't do enough. i have said to him if the social get involved that they'll also look into our child and how he is with her, and if that does happen all because of his spiteful ex i will have to sit and think about if this is something i can even continue with since it's no longer just an issue of my feelings but our daughters upbringing.
im trying my absolute best at being as clued up and informed with everything as i possibly can to not only help myself in terms of legal but also my partner
Oh boy, someone needs to
Oh boy, someone needs to remind this woman that they are divo/ no longer together, that she WANTED to have principal custody AND that she moved away, thus making it harder for her ex to do as much.
He really needs to go into this knowing what he wants out of this (holiday periods are a good possibility to catch up on time) because mediation is very much a bargaining system. He must NOT go in there and just accept BM's demands. His requests are every bit as important as hers.
Above all, he has to keep you and your baby out of the discussion.
he has no intention of just
he has no intention of just bowing down and accepting all of her wishes. he's got a folder of screenshots of their text messages where she contradicts herself and tries lying about previous conversations. he's even told her he'll be voice recording all of their inperson conversations now since she lies about how they went down... i have well over a years worth of conversations between myself and bm where she has weaponised the kids and tried painting me out like some evil stepmother. my favourite is her claiming she has never trusted me with the children but was more than happy to leave them in my care when she was off on days out or going to last minute appointments, and even asked if i would watch them last week.. pick a narrative and stick with it!!
i fear it'll be hard for him to keep us out of the discussion when she's spinning the story that i have manipulated him into changing and that he cares more for me and baby than his older children
So what does he actually want
So what does he actually want out of mediation?
he's happy for things to stay
he's happy for things to stay as they are if she's not willing to go for EOW and every wednesday. it's been his routine for the longest time so he's used to it.
she wants EOW but for him to keep wednesdays And thursday and won't do any other way because "it's not beneficial for the kids, it's beneficial for you"
I don't think she has a clue
I don't think she has a clue how good she has it...
EOW and every Wed would give
EOW and every Wed would give your SO a strong case for being the CP. That is more than 50% of the parenting time with the kids.
If that happens, he needs to take the steps to be named the CP and to nail her for CS.
Not sure how things work in your Jurisdiction but I do recommend that you work with a seriously experienced and proven shark of a Custody/Visitation/Support lawyer to map your strategy and get your risk mitigation plan developed. This BM has the smell of a high drama never ending piles of demanding crap individual.
Do not let your SO fall back to the frequent position that many who bring failed family baggage to a new relationship tend to crawl back into. That is the "but I want what is best for my kids" weasly spineless stuff. What is best for the kids is a clear and enforced official CO setting the structure for their blended family minor years. It is not best for the kids to see daddy (or mommy) kowtow and be spineless when faced by a toxic opposition.
IMHO.
Take care of you.
Put your foot up his ass and
Put your foot up his ass and get him to court for a proper enforcable CO. No need to even bring up custody. Just get an order for who the CP and NCP are, a CS order, and a visitation schedule and do not tolerate anything worse than EOW. With a new baby in a fresh relationship, as the SParent, I would plant my flag on an EOWE visitation to give you and your own child stability and the focus of your DH.
If your partner is happy with
If your partner is happy with these arrangements there is not much you can do about it. If he wants things to change then he needs to initiate formal proceedings. I might start with mediation in the hope of avoiding a court fight but BM will need to be willing to negotiate fairly.
they're about to start with
they're about to start with mediation next week as she has started saying that he does nothing to help out and hardly ever sees the kids, someone from social services (or has connects with the social, i don't think it's actually a social worker) has set it all up after being fed a web of lies from bm. he wants to see what's actually been said about him before attempting to push for any change as that will only add more fuel to the fire
He needs to find BEFORE the
He needs to find BEFORE the meeting so he isn't caught off guard and can defend himself.
He also needs to prepare his
He also needs to prepare his strategy well in advance.
Hmmm...seems strange....Make
Hmmm...seems strange....Make sure he finds out who this person is and why they are interested in their situation. A father not seeing his kids or not "doing enough" is not a cause for social workers to get involved. Is this person a friend of bm's looking to help pressure/bully your partner into caving to bm's demands?
i think this woman is from
i think this woman is from home start, she comes round once a week to see how bm is coping and help her get the kids out as she refuses to take them out on her own (not sure if they have something similar in the states?) but it seems like all she does is stick the kettle on and listen to bm slate my partner and me
Is this her therapist
Is this her therapist attempting some "mediation"???
i wish she had a therapist!
i wish she had a therapist!
Is there something wrong with BM ?
Seams like she can't cope with her kids. Something is radically wrong that she needs someone to come in help her with life.
Unfortunately you knew, how it was before you married your DH and had a child with him. You are pretty much stuck. One thing this friends night out must stop. He has a child with you, that trumps his night out . Seems like DH is doing what pleases him not anybody else
This makes sense to me...
I think him wanting to have a place in his kids life, who obviously need another adult in it should be lower on your list of time away then him needing to spend every Tuesday night with the boys.
I have a group of 7 really close friends that all grew up together, and live fairly close and stay in touch. We go on a weekend trip together once a year, and meetup for some fun family included activities maybe 3 or 4 times a summer. We have a pretty active text thread and crack each other up pretty regularly... On no planet would any of us think it was normal that we get together and abandon our spouses with our kids once a week as some sort of imperative to our friendship. That is kind of nuts
Messed up situation
My mind boggles around all the schedule intricacies, but I read the post and comments.
My experience is that if you are dealing with disordered, less back and forth is most beneficial for everyone. More structure is beneficial for everyone. Create that structure as soon as possible through necessary legal channels (why they exist), and be on top of everything possible. Document as much as you can. Get your ducks in a row.
THEN consider being together living separately until things are smooth.
My experience - when I first began my relationship with husband the kids were sort of there sort of not. Then it was 2 days on 2 days off, then for a looooong time 5 days on 5 days off. I had to track it and count...and it drove them CRAZY.
Now for past 4 years its week on and week off, and since its 4 months until visitation ends, its back to "whatever works today".
Absolutely critical and great
Absolutely critical and great advice.
Lock in the structure of the blended world as close to day one as possible. Custody/Visitation/Support.
Then, know that CO fully and completely. If not invariably, the odds are that the opposition may very well not even read it. The more disordered and of low quality they are, the less likely they are to ever even look at it.
That was the case in our blended family world. We started when SS was young enough that we pretty much had a CO from the beginning. As my DW was a single teen mom she had full physical and legal from SS's birth. THe first CO was issued just before SS turned 1yo. That documented full physical and legal for DW, established SS's paternity as being the Spermidiot, and engaged CS.
Nearly a year later, we were back in court a week after we married defending an attempt by the SpermGrandHag to take custody of SS for her idiot son. They lost. Custody was upheld for DW, visitation was established, and CS was confirmed and increased...ever so slightly to a still pathetically low but higher amount.
That CO has been the bulwark of our ability to manage the whole blended family interface in SS's best interests... when he was a minor anyway.
SS's visitation schedule was long distance with the SpermClan and was 7wks a year since he was 2yo until turning 18. 5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring. The whatever works thing is more often than not the kiss of death for marital bliss in a blended marriage.
I am thrilled that you are short timers to the end of the CO and in starting your actual empty nester life adventure together.
When are you moving?
Time for some changes
An official custody order that doesn't have him putting the kids to sleep at his ex's home. (Am I understanding that correctly? I hope I'm wrong.)
No more "Friends Night" every week. Are you kidding me? Three kids with two women = time to grow up no matter what age you are. I can't believe you didn't require that change before having a child with a guy who has so many other obligations to another woman.
I think you mentioned you don't drive... if at all possible, learn to drive and get your independence in that respect.