I have more of a poll kind of yes or no type thing....

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I have more of a poll kind of yes or no type thing... Certainly, add more if you like but definitely give me the yes or no .

Do you think that your husband/ wife / partner should be friendly to someone who has disrespected you?

A little back story….

My DH has always said he doesn’t like his in-laws. They treated him horrible when he was married to BM. BM is toxic and now that the kids are grown, we have no contact with her. She has still bothers us 20 plus years later as she has a fatal attraction for DH. Our step kids are grown and live on their own.

The in-laws have all treated me horribly, whenever we have had to be around them, at graduations, weddings etc. They speak to DH and pretend I am not there. In the lady’s room at SD’s wedding, I set my shawl down on a chair when I went in. I heard their voices and heard them come in. I came out and walked to the chair and my shawl was gone. Never to be seen again. They took it where else did it go? The venue looked for days and it never turned up…. I have never been anything but friendly to them. Just a few examples.

Recently SD was stopping by here to borrow money from DH. She was going shopping with former SIL. DH knew all day former SIL was coming here. No reason for her to come near my house. SD is in her 30’s it’s not like she is 6 and needs to be dropped off. I get upset as it’s a nice day and I want to be outside. DH says SD will just come to the door and SIL will be in car and I was being crazy for thinking she would get out or come near our house. So, I leave and go for a walk. I decide to come in the yard the back way as to avoid a possible meeting. Well, I happen to get there at the right time. Former SIL is out of the car and DH is talking to her. I make a little noise on the way in the house so that he knows I saw him.

She has always treated him badly also. After what they did to me at SD’s wedding, taking my shawl, and when handing out the flowers for the wedding party former SIL went to hand one to me as I was going to be walking down the isle with DH and then she looks down at a paper like she has a list and when I reached for it, she goes oh no not you and pulled it back and handed to the groom’s grandmother next to me. I was humiliated just like she wanted me to be. Then DH allows her on my property and is nice to her. He could have told SD no don’t bring her here and dropped the money off to her.

So, for the poll …. Not just this situation, any situation.

Should your spouse be nice to someone that has been disrespectful to you… Yes / No

Correction his FORMER in laws

Correction his FORMER in laws all the way through .... I missed that ..

I think there is a difference

I think there is a difference between being nice and being civil and it seems that DH was being civil. If SIL got out of the car and walked toward the house, what was he supposed to do? Run inside and slam the door in her face? No, he stood outside, setting a physical boundary between her car and the house, and exchanged a few pleasantries. It doesn't sound like he was kissing her butt or being overly friendly. Honestly, if I were you, I'd be right out there with DH, knowing that it drives SIL crazy to see you there. Hiding in the shadows or sneaking in the house lets SIL know she has won. You can only be humiliated if you allow it and your behavior and body language, if done successfully, can tell SIL that you can't be bothered by her games (even if it's not true on the inside).

Listen, I despise our BM and her GF. In the last 6 years (9 for BM), they have abused us verbally and psychologically, accused us of neglect and physical and sexual abuse, harassed us, and more. I would rather do anything else than be around BM and GF, but life is going to force us to share spaces from time to time. There was one time, SS had a tball game; SS was like 4. DH couldn't attend the tball game due to work, so BM "invited" me, hoping she could humiliate me in front of her friends. I went! I sat there, smiled, waved and chatted with BM's parents (who are nice enough believe it or not). The look of pure irritation on BM's face was priceless and she slithered off to a far end of the field by herself, pouting all the way. It was even better when SS asked me to attend lunch with all of them after, which of course I did. I was a pure delight all afternoon while BM was a silent, pissed off mess. Lunch was another hour that my presence made BM uncomfortable, just as she had tried and failed to do to me. Was I 100% comfortable being in that situation? Not really, but I didn't let that show on the outside and it made BM think twice before trying to mess with me again.

Thank you for the response... it's appreciated!!

I didn't want to make my post to long so I trimmed the story.

DH did fall all over her and if he wasn't outside former SIL wouldn't have gotten out of the car. SD is 32 not 6 she didn't need to be getting rides to our house she has a car. Former SIL never came near here before no need to start now. DH should have said I will drop the money off but I don't want former SIL near here she has been disrespectful to Sandybeaches... DH should not have put himself in the situation where he talked to her.

I understand what you are saying but...

She is 32.... Former SIL did not have to come to my house at all. If she did to wait in the car, DH should have stayed in the house. Do you feel I am wrong on that part?

There have been a few people

There have been a few people that my husband knew when he was married to BM who were rude to me. He was friends with them, but not anymore. Any old friends he has have to accept that he is divorced and remarried.

His parents and siblings have gotten in the middle of his relationship with SD and have never accepted me. They're nice to my face but their actions paint a different picture. My DH has mostly stopped talking to them. Unlike those friends he stopped talking to he still has some obligations to his family and it's harder to ig ore them completely.

But no, your husband shouldn't be nice to people who disrespect you.

Thank see you never

It sounds like you understand!!

NO!

Why would you even be civil with someone who humiliates your wife, especially at a public event. The flower thing was so high school mean girl behavior.

If someone is rude to your kid, your folks, or any loved one, civil wouldnt even be there. I know I wouldnt be, I would be angry with the victim. Silence, in this case being civil, never helps the victim it helps the oppressor. Oh but if it happens to a SM, yeah she can choke on their shit and dear ol daddio continues on as if nothing is wrong.

F THAT. So glad to be out of my step nightmare. I really empathize with the unfortunates dealing with this.

Blessings

ETA your point that she is 30, she sure didnt need SIL to come there. So disrespectful to you.

Thank you!! Stepdrama!

You nailed it on every single point !!! a million times Thank you !!!

DH is so dumb too! He doesn't get that former SIL and SD are in on it with BM. They totally get it causes trouble between DH and I. 20 some years later this crap is still going on. I did nothing to any of these people and DH knows that. It really is shameful.

I can't thank you enough for understanding the whole situation. It is awful when you feel alone like no one understands and you're being the crazy one.

Sandybeaches

You are not alone on here anyways!

You are NOT the crazy one...but the clusterfluck toxics are crazymakers.

Thank you!!

My DH will never see it and he will say one thing and do another! Now I got to see it first hand. I do not care who it is I wouldn't talk to anyone who was disrespectful to my DH

You’re not wrong. Well my story is a bit different.

blatant rudeness is never acceptable in my book, but going out of your way to carry on a conversation with her is disrespectful towards you, IF he knows how you've been treated. I would ask a few questions if I came home to that, what or why was he out there? It's different if he happened to come home and there she was. Yet sounds like he went out of his way to interact. I guess it could be a case of maybe he was telling her how amazing his life is there with you. That is the only thing I would be ok with LOL, but to go out of your way to chit chat? Nope.

I get that but to do that he would have had to mention

I get that but to do that he would have had to mention me... Like gee doesn't Sandy do an amazing job on the house???

To me I would say going outside at all was going on out of his and quite frankly let her come here at all. It was totally avoidable!

I agree

I would be asking exactly how he ended up out there in the first place.

I hear ya!!

He went right out to greet SD. Up until that point he never would have let former inlaws of any kind come to our house.

Complete opposite problem

My DH doesn't see any inlaws since they live in a completely different area. However, we traveled south to a tournament my YSD was in and BM's mother and father were there. It was first time meeting them and they seemed nice. My DH said hello, and there were no issues. When we need to attend events, my DH completely ignores BM and her BF. It was super awkward in the beginning, amd I tried to be the "let's all get along for the kids" cheerleader and tried to encourage my DH to be more civil. After 3.5 years together, I am completely understanding of why he is the way he is around BM. We don't talk to them, amd I don't think we need to. I think if someone needs to be there to get something, as in your case, your DH can say hello amd go on about his business. However, he doesn't need to go out of his way to catch up and make small talk. SIL is now EX-SIL and if they're disrespectful to you and stole from you, he needs to put you snd your feelings first and stand up for you.

I appreciate your response .... Thank you!!

But SD did not "need" to be here. She is 32 and could have picked the money earlier or DH could have dropped it off. Let's not even get into the fact that DH is suppling money for the shopping trip.

My case is different than what you describe as I would be civil or would have always been. If around these people they treat me horrible as described. This is only because they are a close knit psychotic bunch of people (all family members) that support the fact that their crazy sister (BM)) wants my husband back. They will help her do anything to achieve that even 20 + years later.