I think I need to get away from dads with kids...
I never thought I'd be back.
(2 second synopsis: I dated and became engaged to a father who had one child- who was a handful, but very, very sweet. We bought our house- we moved in and he decided he wanted her instead. -She's now pregnant with twins and already has 3 kids from a prior marriage. He had issues accepting my child as his own- so this is sweet, sweet revenge.)
I've been dating myself- mostly. Focusing in on my new place, new job and new single life. I've had some great first dates- and about 3 months ago I met someone I click with. He is kind and honest and he comes from good stock. We talk a lot about emotional integrity and are each other's buffer's for the good and bad that happened during the day. I knew he had 2 young daughters when I met him, (so I suggested going very, very, slow.) I've met them twice- when we got our children together at the park, and so on.) He's a great father: Very involved. I can see disipline issues with the children, (but the divorce is very new.) They are welcoming, sweet, kids. (4 and 18 months.)
He's wonderful. But- am I a horrible person for not wanting to be in a serious relationship with a man who has kids- even though I'm a single mom? (My daughter's father is not involved in our lives whatsoever- was a mutual decision and I am perfectly fine and capable of handling life on my own.)
I feel like I'm letting this potential get away, (especially with someone I can talk to ANYTHING about and really feel like I've found an amazing friend and partner,) because I don't want to deal with his children?
Help. I don't know what to think: Am I being smart, or stupid?
Cautious
I think you are being cautious and there is nothing wrong with that. When I met my now husband I told myself that I would never date a divorced man with kids. When I met him all my thoughts changed because of the way we interacted. He was and still is my perfect match....EXCEPT for the fact that issues with his past marriage still play a factor in our lives. I have been through a lot of heartache because of the dynamics of the ex-wife/kids situation. I love this man with all of my heart but given it to do over I would not have moved in with him or married him until his kids were much older and his ex was less of a factor. As things sit now Im not sure how long our marriage will last. Im sure that there are many people with wonderful experiences so please follow your heart when making a decision.
Crayon, are you saying that
Crayon, are you saying that parents allowing bed-sharing/co-sleeping with their children could be a sign of guilt when couples split up?
Wow that's interesting. My
Wow that's interesting. My fiance, Angie (who practices various ideals of "attachment parenting") did co-sleeping for years with her son Jason and her ex Tom. But when Jason turned five (and when I came into the picture), we both agreed it was time to have him stay in his own bed the whole night. We carefully weaned him into his own bedroom little by little, but recently he has had a bit of a setback. Last night, Jason woke up in the middle of the night four times, each time crying and refusing to immediately go back to sleep without being calmed down and getting tucked in. He asked that his mother or I lay down with him in his bed or be allowed to climb into mine and Angie’s bed (a habit he has broken and has not done for several months now). Jason was walked back to his room by Angie and myself each time and eventually he fell back to sleep. This was a sleeping pattern of Jason's for quite awhile upon us ending co-sleeping which took a long, slow process to fix. Jason has been successfully sleeping overnight all night without any such breaks or any need to come into our bed pretty much every night except on the occasions when he’d return from visits with his biological father, Tom (whom he dreads visiting). This past Sunday night (after a return from Tom's), Jason's sleeping pattern was the same as last night, however he was unable to remain in his bed all the way through and came into mine and Angie's bed at sunrise (about 6:25 a.m.) on Monday morning. Monday and Tuesday night and then last night, Jason did end up back in his own bed and finally made it through the night on his own until 8:15 a.m after being repeatedly walked back into his room. However, this now is the fourth night this week that Jason has had a disturbed sleep and we want to quickly undo this pattern, so it does not become a regular routine, just as it was successfully corrected before. There is no doubt that over the next few nights it will be corrected once again, so Jason will no longer wake up upset or need reassurances or co-sleeping from Angie or myself to get back to sleep. I'm documenting the progress, and Jason's sleeping patterns upon his next return from Tom's will be compared. Is it in my head or is there a link between Jason's restless nights and him going to see his father? If so, what can we do about it because I don't want to correct this issue again and then have it reversed the next time he comes back from his father's house. Jason is just now on a court-mandated visiting schedule (after a long unstable period of unset visits) with his father and they are trying to repair a strained relationship that resulted after Tom and Angie broke up.
Crayon, I like to consider
Crayon, I like to consider myself pretty old school. I agree the co-sleeping thing does lead to dependency (in many cases, a child ends up becoming unable to sooth themselves at all after too many years of this, and unless they are comforted and hugged over and over, they never feel totally okay being on their own). This leads to difficulty in having the child have sleepovers at friend's and relative's homes, and many other issues. However, I don't consider myself totally old school or totally in with the whole attachment parenting genre either. When a baby is crying at night, I do not agree in the concept of ignoring that child until he/she stops crying, but I don't agree with going to get the child and bringing them into the adult bed either. My philosophy plays it to the middle where I feel it is perfectly fine to go pick up the baby and hug them and make them feel safe, but then put them back into their own bed after the reassurance has been made. And this should not go on past the first few years of the child's life (if that). Jason is 5 and a half, and when I was his age, unless I had a terrible nightmare or something to that effect, I very, very rarely ever was allowed to sleep in my parents' bed. That kind of thing should be reserved for extreme circumstances when a kid is that old or the co-sleeping sometimes won't end until 8, 9 or 10 years old. While Angie agreed that it was time to have Jason sleep independently, it was quite a challenge to actually make it happen. Now that he is waking up again now and looking for that comfort, I am worried that Angie may out of guilt (and also out of missing her son when he is away with his father), begin to allow it to happen. And then we'll be right back in the same boat all over again. I don't want it to look like I'm being selfish, but I just feel me and Angie need our alone time in the bedroom and again, Jason is certainly old enough to be sleeping in his own bed without any reservations. Any advice on how to make Jason feel more safe and secure in the night? Things are very stable and very comfortable for him during the day in our home, and he rarely cries or has any major separation issues. Again, things have been upside down with the visitation schedule with his biological father so maybe that will help now that it's more defined. We'll see what happens.
Thank you Crayon, I never
Thank you Crayon, I never was a real fan of Dr. Phil but that video doesn't look like it could hurt if Jason's sleeping issues continue. We'll see...
You are not a HORRIBLE person
because you are not wanting to get involved with a man with kids ESPECIALLY because you are a single mom. You are really using your "experience" to protect your child.
WISE WISE MOVE, not smart not stupid.
Don't second guess yourself. You are absolutely thinking straight!