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Submitted by Dave on Sat, 01/02/2010 - 9:01am

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I'm brand new here and new to step-parenting and all the issues that come with that. I'm engaged to a wonderful woman who has a son and a daughter that live with her full time. I have three daughters. My oldest two are off in college (18 & 21). My youngest is 13 and in Jr. High. My fiancée’s daughter is 14 (in HS) and her son is 17, about to graduate HS and expects to join the Air Force.

There is lots I could go into for back ground but the main issue at the moment is this; My fiancée expects a lot of respect from people in her life. She is an educated professional but I don't think that's where it comes from. Maybe she is a bit prideful. I see this in her other relationships too (outside the family).

Since becoming engaged, it seems to me that she is very much on guard for any hint of disrespect from my kids, especially my youngest since she lives with me half time and is around a lot. Sarah, my 13 yo to me is a very sweet kid who is eager to please. I have to say that I am dismayed that my fiancée seems to see 'attitude' on her part. My youngest can be annoying some but in my opinion, no more than kids in general. She's a good kid and has been good to my fiancee in my opinion. She excited about the wedding and all.

My fiancée and I have different parenting styles, I am more forgiving and relaxed, she is more strict.

The issue is this; my fiancée expects me to always back her up with parenting issues and to support her fully. Of course this is the right thing to do and expect. But what about when she (fiancee) preceives disrespect or attitude when I don't see it in my daughter? My daughter may make an off-handed remark asserting her opinion on something and it doesn’t even begin to register as disrespect to me but my fiancée gives me the unmistakable look that says: I've just been disrespected and you need to act on or deal with this right now. I feel like I am in a terrible position. I can't bring my self to come-down on my daughter when I know she didn't have any ill intent in her heart. I have talked with my daughter about choosing her words carefully with my fiancée but I am feeling like I am telling her to suppress her opinions and to walk on egg shells. This is no way to start off a new life.

I've tried talking to my fiancée about this but its hard because I can't deny that I have to support her in parenting issues, but what if the step parent is missreading the step child?

I can't help but feel like I am caught in the middle of some sort of pecking order or hierarchy setting. I think my fiancée wants reassurance and demonstrations on my part that I am loyal to her first. My hope is in time this will all smooth out and work its self out. Each person in this dynamic is a wonderful and good person but there are forces at work here like I have never seen before.

Any insights would be greatly welcome.

-Dave

kidsaplenty's picture

Submitted by kidsaplenty on Sat, 01/02/2010 - 11:09am

Carefully reconsider if your fiance is the right partner for you. I believe from what you have shared that she may drive a wedge between you and your child and your marriage will be fraught with great difficulty. You speak about needing to support her fully but not at all about you needing support you in your parenting (such as trusting you to continue to parent your child as you have the last 13 years taking in to account when your child is being direspectful vs. squashing any assertiveness on her part that is not disrepectful). I feel from what you have said that your fiance is already setting up your lives to be a competition between your child and her and there will be nothing but heartache with that mindset-for your daughter, for you, and even for your fiance.

She would be best with someone who does not have children so she and the person she is with doesn't have to do the jealousy thing (loyal to me first) or kids that are very docile and meek. You would be best to find someone where the parenting styles gel and she respects your need for support as well not just her own. In general the prideful nature you describe in her can become a big issue in many areas once the honeymoon is over.

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Sat, 01/02/2010 - 12:50pm

Perspective from a "single mom"

I was a single mom for 10 years, my son was 10 and my daughter was 3 when I divorced their dad.

Although my XH was somewhat involved in their lives (he worked odd shifts), I was pretty much "mom and dad" 24/7 for that decade.

With that being the case, I HAD to have rules or my kids would have run all over me (especially my son!). I, too was/am a professional person and I needed my JOB and I needed to do WELL at my job in order to keep that job. That said, there was NO WAY I could afford to have endless problems with "the kids" occupying every minute of the day.

I chose the "democratic" parenting style. Sure, kids had a "say", but MOM made the ultimate decision. My kids were NEVER and will never BE my "friends"; I have a great relationship with them, but I am their MOM. They can always come to me to talk or for advice, but I'm never gonna be their "drinking buddy" or their "scapegoat" to lash out at.

I'm guessing your fiance had to have done the same thing since they kids are with her full time. It is TOUGH being both mom and dad AND holding down a career, believe me. How amazing that her son is joining the Air Force. Congratulations. (If she had been a "pushover" mom, she might be putting him in REHAB instead of seeing him off to the Air Force!!)

JMO, but in agreement with StepAside, your kids are not your "friends". Perhaps you daughter's way of speaking to your fiancee is too "friendly" for her liking, and if that's the case, I think you need to respect your fiancee!! (For example, I know some parents who allow their kids to cuss at them, talk back at them, while others would give the kid a good smack if they swore at them....I don't know your situation, but maybe you need to listen a bit more to HOW your daughter IS talking to your "best friend for life".)

Remember that, too...kids grow up and move on (hopefully...); your fiancee, to be your wife, is your LIFE PARTNER. Although you value your kids, in less than a decade they will be out of your lives on a full-time basis. Where will your fiancee be?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

KittyKat's picture

Submitted by KittyKat on Sat, 01/02/2010 - 3:50pm

Here here to RESPECT!!

If either of my kids EVER mouthed off at me, they'd be eating their dinner thru a straw. And, I'm not a big person, they just KNEW that it wasn't allowed.

I think you may have posted earlier about maybe your SD in trouble with the law because she was never taught how NOT to talk to authority?? Wow, do I hear you there! My SDs (MSD...always seems to be the worst one...now 29 just got her
second DUI. In PA, she's gonna pay some serious consequences, but her first DUI also included leaving the scene of an accident. Why? Because "daddy" never taught her how to be accountable!! And, I almost VOMITED when after this second DUI, my H was "crying" over it. Crying? I said the only one who should be crying in your 29yo BRAT from the size 10 shoe you stuck up her stupid ass.)

And, on that note, I have NEVER had to strike either of my kids. I think of Eddie Murphy's Delirious and how Lillian (his mom) would just give him "the look", and that was it.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Sat, 01/02/2010 - 1:19pm

Welcome!

Well, here's my two cents.

My grandma used to say there are three sides to every story: your side, her side, and the truth. Of course, I only have your side of the story here. And as a stepmom, I can have some sympathy for your fiancée's side -- especially because some of it resonates with what I've heard from other stepmoms -- e.g., that it seems to be very common for divorced dads to be very lenient with their children, to a fault, and not be able to see when their kids are being disrespectful to others. There are quite a few articles and a lot of research about this, as well as how guilt-parenting (more common among divorced dads than divorced moms) makes it very difficult to build a lasting relationship with a new partner:

http://shared-parenting-options.suite101.com/article.cfm/dads_do_the_rig...

http://singledadlife.com/2009/10/27/ten-steps-happy-healthy-remarriage/

You say that your fiancée is "prideful", and thus it's possible that she is more sensitive to "disrespect" than you would be in the same situation.

Here are my thoughts. Whether she is right or you are right, the TWO of you are trying to build a future together. The success of that future depends on whether YOU can listen to HER, as well as expecting that SHE listen to YOU, and that the two of you can build a home together where you both feel like your parenting and couple expectations are being met.

I would suspect, frankly, that a large part of the reason she is very "on guard" for signs of disrespect from your daughter, is that your fiancée does not feel that her position as your partner -- that is, your number one -- is secure. She expects the two of you to be "THE TEAM". My guess is that if she really felt that you were the solid team, the couple around which the household is based, she would relax more about small things, because she would feel backed up and supported by you.

You say that this has started since the two of you got engaged. Again, I'm going to assume that the reason for this is that now, you two have made plans for a future "forever." And she's looking at the way the household is run now, not in terms of "right now" but in terms of the future. In other words. now that you've decided to get married, she sees the things she doesn't like, and imagines them continuing indefinitely into the future. She, logically enough, wants those things to be resolved now, so that they will not continue into the marriage.

And on that one, I completely agree with her. I think that you two need to work these issues out now, BEFORE you become tied to each other legally. Because 65% of remarriages end in divorce. And the issues you are talking about are some of the main reasons why. I suggest that you read the websites I've listed above, and also get the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. The two of you should read it together, if you can: I think it will give you a lot to talk about.

Finally: two comments on this last remark:

"I think my fiancée wants reassurance and demonstrations on my part that I am loyal to her first. My hope is in time this will all smooth out and work its self out. Each person in this dynamic is a wonderful and good person but there are forces at work here like I have never seen before."

I think you are definitely right about the first part: your fiancée does not feel secure enough regarding her position in your life or as the other head of the household. However, I urge you to not just think things will "smooth out" in time and work themselves out. Believe me, from experience, these issues DO NOT take care of themselves -- they only get worse, unless you make the commitment to address them directly. Please don't take the easy way out of saying, oh, things will get better. They will not, unless you ACT. Now is no time to decide that "wait and see" is the best option. All that will do is make everyone more frustrated, and let these small wounds fester into bigger ones.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved