I'm ready to him!!!!!!!!!
Ive been in a relationship for 10 years with my husband. We have a total of 6 kids together. He has 4 including our son(20,19,12,7) and I have 3. (20, 16, 7) We purposely waited to move together and get married until our kids were older bcuz they would be out of the house off to college (so i thought).So we finally moved together 2yrs ago got married last year. His kids all live with their moms. So only my kids live with us. My oldest daughter went 2 college for 2yrs but always had a room at home. She recently moved back home and continues to go to school full-time and maintains 2 jobs,bought her own car, does chores, pays her own bills,picks her brothers up from school, and has good credit. However, she has asked if she can stay at home until she finds a roommate or long-term boyfriend to live with. Well recently his 19yr old who has no job, is not in school and lives out of state has decided that she wants to come live with him. She is her mom's only child, has her own room at her mom's place but my husband feels that she should be able to move into our 3 bedroom house and cram us in. So he expects my daughter to either share a room with the 7yr old brother or give her the studio space that we promised to finish for her when we moved here. To add insult to injury. My daughter never met her dad. He died when she was 1yr old so Im her only parent. I feel that its beyond selfish to make my daughter make accommodations for a person that has more options than she does. The SD has a fully furnished bedroom at home but he feels that she should be able to stay when and if she wants and everyone else "just gotta make room". Im ready to leave!
My daughter shares with my
My daughter shares with my 7yr old because my 16yr old is autistic and needs his own space. The space that we promised her is actually not even finished. My daughter just was going to use it as her study/ getaway space because it doesnt have plumbing and the floor has not been airsealed (its over and unattached garage). But now he gave my daughter the ultimatum to either sleep there or give it to the SD and stay with her little brother. So now he's taken all of my daughter's stuff that was once in her own studio space and put it in a storage room in the basement. The entire situation is just causing friction between myself and my daughter because my daughter pays bill and I have always been very strict on her about being responsible and handling things on her own. (college/job apps, resumes, financial aid, loan apps, etc) But now it seems that my SD that does absolutely nothing on her own gets to move from mom's house into my daughters room and gets a free right. Like I'm supposed to hold her hand and "help" her do all the things that I forced my daughter to do on her own.
I am confused about
I am confused about something.
You mention the 7 year old twice, but I am guessing it's the same child and the one that you two share??
Yes... he's the one we share
Yes... he's the one we share
I think the difference is
I think the difference is that my daughter pays bills and that very strict ground rules were put in place before my daughter moved in. However my SD does not pay bills and my DH expects me to walk her through all the things that I forced my daughter to do on her own. it wouldn't be fair for me to do it for her if I didn't do it for my own daughter also it is not fair for someone to take a space because they just "want" to be there. Don't get me wrong my daughter can live out on her own and she can also live out on her own but she just chooses not to get her life together and be able to. however my daughter cannot live with another parent and she can. so how do you get the option to take over someones space that has less options than you do?
I feel that the difference
I feel that the difference with my daughter living there vs SD living there is that my daughter pays bills and Im her only parent so she doesn't have the option to say hey I'll go live with Dad it's either I'll live on my own or I'll live with mom. DH has three options she can get a job and live on her own she can live comfortably in her mom's house or she can live with us. I just feel that my daughter is doing the right thing but she seems like she's being punished and SD is being rewarded for not doing anything
I lived at home when I was on
I lived at home when I was on break from college and after I graduated. I do not say this to scare you I lived at home on and off until about 3 years ago, I am 31 but I always worked and had a job and provided for my self bought my own car had my own insurance paid all my own bills when I lived with my parents. My parents made me do that in order to live with them rent free until I was able to get on my feet and have my own place. I think if his daughter wants to move there you both require her to do the same thing or there could be some major resentment there between your BD and SD and you.
If you daughter does take the studio room as her own what is the dad's plan for your SD? Is she just not going to live there and stay at the BM's?
He's just taking drastic
He's just taking drastic measures to try to make room for her. My daughter's stuff was in the studio and that was the only space that he felt she could go so he moved my daughter stuff out and put it in the basement because he says my daughter sleeps in my son's room most of the time anyways so she needed to stay there and let SD have the studio so now my daughter has all of her stuff in a storage space and just a bit in her seven-year-old brother's room but yet she pays $250 a month without me asking and she buys her own groceries cook for herself and is very responsible. SD doesn't have a job has every excuse in the world why she's not in school doesn't have a driver's license has no interest in learning how to drive will sit at home and let the food that I buy in the refrigerator spoil before she cooks it however he walked in the house and ask her if she hungry like she's a newborn and he'll cook for her she doesn't wake up to 3 p.m. in the afternoon she barely bathes, has never filled out a college app job employment app.
the studio space is over my
:jawdrop: the studio space is over my unattached garage in my opinion is far from adequate as a bedroom because it does not have Plumbing also the floor is not airtight we haven't had it air sealed to technically make this a livable unit therefore we don't even use the garage when my daughter is up there because the fumes could come through the floor that's why this is just been her hang out spot and she sleeps in a bunk in her brother's brother' room bcuz who wants to wake up in a Michigan winter in the middle of the night and tread through snow to get to a bathroom every time you have to pee but with that being said she's there basically all day until it's time to go to sleep and then she just sleeps at the house
So I'm also confused. SD
So I'm also confused.
SD would move into the unfinished studio space? She would sleep there?
Or is DH proposing that he finish it for his daughter when he didn't do it for your daughter?
Whatever the arrangement is you can not make this about his and yours. Welcome SD with open arms, come up with sleeping options and let DH know that you have no problem with her being there.
That being said SD will also have to pay rent, at least $250, the same as your daughter and buy her own groceries, all the same things your daughter does.
When DH says well SD doesn't have a job yet, then ask him what the time line is and stop taking your daughters rent money for that time.
He wants thing to be equal, then make them equal.
He wants to finish it for her
He wants to finish it for her and when I said the same rules apply,his response was "But they're two different ppl, you can't expect them to do things the same" I really saw that as him already setting up an excuse for her.
I think it is totally unfair
I think it is totally unfair that the SD gets to have two single lovely rooms one in each house and your DD doesn't. If you DD is going to continue to pay rent finish the space above the garage put in some plumbing if you can and let her have her own little studio apt. Sounds like she has earned it.
As for SD she can share with DS7 if she is not paying rent or anything else. DH should not just shaft your DD, cause u live there to it is a partnership. I don't think you should treat her any different than you treat DD. She has two parents that can step up and push her to do something that is on them not you.
If your DH and you let SD get all that stuff, pretty sure DD will resent you and be mad and you will resent DH. Not good if you love this man.
So, where would you like his
So, where would you like his DD to sleep?
In the comfort of her own
In the comfort of her own bedroom.
I actually dont feel any
I actually dont feel any "way" toward his daughter. I dont like her ways and dont see any more opportunities here than she had at home. She didnt work or go to school there and I dont see the difference here which is why a chance wasnt given. He's not a disciplinary and he gives in to whatever. Basically I take care of the kids. So truthfully I just see it as he picked up a problem from the airport and dumped her on me. When we had the talk abt timeframe and expectations and me feeling that the same rules apply to both, his statement was "they're not the same ppl so you cant expect them to do the same things". Basically already making an excuse for the fact that she has no intention on working and going to school. What bothers me is that makes me look like the bad guy with my DD. I not only expected it but I demanded it and there wasnt any spoon-feeding. Now I feel like Im being force to spoon-feed his daughter while my relationship with mines falls apart.
I would encourage your
I would encourage your daughter to find a roommate. It is not something that takes years of looking. She should be able to find something within a month if she wanted to. She will be better off for learning how to live out of her parents house and enabling her to live her life independently. As for sd either say no more adult kids in the house and stick with it even for your kids or set a time limit for her staying and ground rules similar to what your daughter does, help with childcare, help around the house and help with bills.
You daughter not having a dad in her life has nothing to do with anything. It is sad but she seems to be doing well for herself and her future sounds great despite him not being there. It seems sd19 is not doing well for herself right now and maybe a dose of living with dad will help her get her life on track.
I think it has alot to do
I think it has alot to do with what she has at her mom's house bcuz WE paid for it....and she arrived with 1 suitcase and the clothes on her back. When asked where is her "stuff", he says we'll get her new stuff. So she gets her own room,new tv, all new furniture, etc...all for sitting on her bum for a year.My question is why not have the ex ship her things being that we spent lots of money on them and he ignored me and bought things anyway.
My DH as sad as it sounds is
My DH as sad as it sounds is not the most active parent. Imo he raises his kids with money and enjoys playing "good parent" when he feels they are mad at their moms. I do all bills, important paperwork, etc in our home so he wouldnt know the furthest thing aboust SAT scores, college apps, financial aid, etc.... I just feel like the fact that I "have" to do it for her but wouldnt do it for my own makes me look bad.
Did not read all the
Did not read all the comments, but this is what I would do....
You can not tell DH his kid can not live there while yours does, it's not fair.... now his kid lives there for free and not paying anything, guess what, your daughter will also stop paying for anything, she hands you the 250 a month in cash and you put it in a savings account for her, till she has enough to start off on her own.
if DH complains about the lost of groceries and income, smile and say... I told DD she does not have to pay anymore, cause SD is not paying anything, it's only fair....
then sit back with a wine glass and see the shit storm hitting the house
Look into a Granny Pod for
Look into a Granny Pod for your daughter. That gives her her own space and some autonomy which she most definately has earned with her school, work, and self supporting performance. Put the waste of skin SD in a broom closet and let the usual residents of the home keep their space.