I've had it with my stepdaughter
My 11 year old stepdaughter came to live with my husband and I a year ago because her mother had passed away from leukemia. Before she came to live with us, her mother and her family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) always put my sd up on a pedestal. They never taught her right from wrong, manners, how to study, values such as working hard, etc. They were basically a "Disneyland" family. When she came to live with us, we put her in a bereavement group so she can process her grief and learn how to cope with the situation and the transition. A year has passed, and her father and I have taught her manners, how to clean herself, personal hygiene, etc. All those things that parents should teacher their kids (but she was never taught that, her mom's family just did it all for her). She still doesn't get it! She still eats like a slob, doesn't wash herself very well, doesn't always brush her teeth like she's supposed to, doesn't care to put on deodorant (and doesn't care if she offends anyone with her body odor). She always needs to be told. My husband and I have told her those things like 20 million times! We are done telling her. I feel bad feeling this way because of all that she's been through, but I don't think it's an excuse for us to baby her either because it's just gonna make her bad habits worse. Also, I've tried to connect with her in all kinds of ways, but have come to the conclusion that we have nothing in common nor does she care to connect. Everyone tells me, "you're her mother now, you're all she's got." I disagree with that. I feel like my husband and I are trying to catch her up on the basic life skills that she needs in order to function in society. I'm angry that I have to pick up the slack for somebody else who didn't teach her the things she didn't know. But at the same time I feel guilty for feeling this way because of what my sd has been through. This situation is sooooo frustrating!
Just keep up the good
Just keep up the good work!!!! It will take alot longer than you think....But, you sound like you are a patient, understanding SM. I know I sound like a broken record (or a CD that skips..) Is there an ONE thing that makes her wanna try...Maybe art, drama, animals? I have found that most kids love animals-I have 5 horses that are GREAT therapy horses for abused,autistic, and troubled kids...I don't know-maybe this might be some kinda avenue...
First & foremost? Welcome
First & foremost? Welcome friend to Step Talk! This is our virtual soap box which allows us to vent our feelings, get advice or just read what other step parents are experiencing & count our blessings for what is good in our own? I'm a 1st time SM myself and I've found much peace here. As you'll read on the forums, there's a lot of information here. I am reaching out and giving you a big hug, handing you the virtual cup of coffee or tea, and I'm going to say this for all the kids who have lost their mothers? Thank you.
This little girl might be suffering from a bit of loss. I can't say for sure what's going on, but..we're here for you.
I was very fortunate to have my mother for a long time; however I did lose her 3 years ago to pancreatic cancer. As an adult who lost their parent to cancer? I can tell you, I had all resources to grieve, and yet I still suffered. I can only imagine what her grandparents have had to deal with. Yes, it is frustrating that a child sometimes goes through different scenarios while they are growing up? Ahh, take a deep breath, exhale..and read on.
Perhaps your SD11 is depressed? Like other SMs here, check into some resources. You have every right to be frustrated and resent having to pick up the pieces. It's all right to feel these things. I sincerely wish you luck as yes; you are now a SM, and you're doing all you can to help this girl. Just keep up the good work. There are going to be struggles. For those of us who want to push forward through all of this madness? We'll be here. I know I will. Hang in there!
Welcome to the site. Feel
Welcome to the site. Feel free to vent here. It really helps. My late husband died when my son was 6 and he was coddled by everyone. I understand the frustration there. I am lucky in that he is a great kid depsite the Grandparents spoiling. Just be patient with her and keep on her about everything that you think needs to be changed. One day it will click. My SS had hygiene issues when I came along and my nagging to DH made all the difference. He handles it all and it is getting better. He takes a shower regularly and it is now a routine for him. But, it was over a year and half before we got that way.
You have to find her "currency". What would she flip out if she lost it? For SS it was his Xbox. If he doesn't take a shower every night before 9:30 PM, he loses his Xbox for the next day. All DH has to say is "SS13 shower? and he hauls ass. We have rules that he has to dry his hair before bed otherwise it stands up the next morning. All of this has taken time....Be patient. Find her "currency" and use that to your advantage.
Also, I would make sure she doesn't have a little depression. See a therapist. Good luck and keep trying with the child, it will get better. For me and my son it was at the three year mark after his Dad died. We didn't feel normal until that point.
Welcome to the site!! It has
Welcome to the site!! It has saved me in many ways....While I have not lost either of my parents; My SD14 has lived with us for 2 years now. Her BM has 3 other children and I guess SD was just too much for her (now I know why) SD was of course the first, the first child, grandchild!! Princess - Princess - Princess. I also think her family felt bad for her b/c her mom was such an absent parent. Not really "there" for her. Failed to tell her how important a shower was - didn't follow up on things with her at all! She kind of ran the house; guess that's why SD's SD wanted her out!! DH and I have struggled; it has put such a strain on us and our family (we have 3 other bios) I tried and tried but after about a year or so....I took a step back; I decided I should only "be there" for DH - it has been fantastic! (she has also done many very bad things - snuck out, is on the depo NOW, stole.....etc) It just seemed as though every single time she got in trouble she would start crying about how her mother doesn't love her..........(I am not saying this is the same thing as a family member passing!) we always had sympathy but after awhile; we didn't allow her to use this any longer. We made/make her own up to her actions and not uses that as a crutch. While it is sad that her mother chooses not to be in her life - it is not okay to pull it out everytime she got introuble. Make sense??
I also agree that a therapist may be a good idea for her; so she is able to let it out; good luck
Thank you everyone for being
Thank you everyone for being so welcoming and also for all the kind words of encouragment and understanding. It helps to know that I am not the only who feels the way I do.
Personal hygiene issues like
Personal hygiene issues like this can be a sign of major depression. People who are depressed no longer care about their personal appearance and all the punishments in the world or harping on them will not make the problem any better and will likely make the depression far, far worse. Only treating the depression will fix the problem.
You said she was in a bereavement group, but has that helped? You might want to look into another type of therapy.
If these problems she is having are mental health related, but careful you are not blaming her or her mother or her mother's family for this. Kids can pick up on that and it's going to make her feel even worse about herself. That's only going to exacerbate the problem.
I know how difficult it is to stepparent a child who's lost their mom. It's very easy to fall into the trap that you need to become a replacement mom and I struggled with how to do that for a long time.
My stepson's mother died when he was 5 and I've been a part of his life for 5 years now. But he does not consider me his mom. This is a very sensitive issue for my stepson, since he gets rather conflicted when he becomes close to me that he's betraying his mother's memory. I've always been very straight with him that even though I'll be here for him for anything he needs, I'm never going to be his mom or replace his mom.
In the beginning, I really overstepped that boundary and it lead to a lot of frustration. Now, it sort of fluctuates back and forth on how much he views me as "mom" or let me do mom sort of roles, especially as he gets older and is continues to try to process his mom's death.
It's very difficult and takes a lot of patience. There were times I felt like I was making so much progress with my stepson and he was finally accepting me, and then he would regress. But it's not necessarily anything you did or didn't do. I found out later at lot of his problems were caused by a kid in his class mentioning his mom or a teacher saying something about moms volunteering to help in class and how conflicted he felt about either wanting to ask me and feelings about missing out on doing these things with his mom.
Even after seven years, he's still continuing to cope and come to terms with his mom's death, so after one year, your stepdaughter is going to still be having difficulties.
Hang in there. This is hard!
Hang in there. This is hard! Only thing I have to contribute is this - bm passing aside, some 11yo girls are simply bad at hygeine and need to grow into it.
11 is when they start to smell - maybe she really never had anyone address BO because she still smelled like a little girl up to a year ago. Little kid sweat is so much different than adolecent sweat. I'll never forget the first time I really 'smelled' my sons 6th grade basketball team. I dont think 20% ever used deodorant before then, man they stunk! Same thing with my daughters dance team, they all started stinking together about that age.
Best thing you can do, especially with school starting right now, is try to be her friend and start over with the talks mom or gma should have had a couple years ago. Say it in a way that is caring, not to embarrass or harrass her. Tell her talking about this stuff is uncomfortable for you too but you want to make sure she knows she can come to you if anyone at school teases her about BO or stringy hair or bad breath. Make it 'not her fault' just something that happens to all girls and when that time comes for her tell her you want her to be comfortable coming to you so you can get her what she needs.
Maybe she has started her period and doesn't know what's happening?
As someone who lost a mom the
As someone who lost a mom the "you're mother now" thing is total BS. You're not her mom, nor will you ever be, and you and your SD will be as long as you continue to understand that.. Sorry to say that so harshly, but there's no other way to put it. You will never be her mother in a way even more so than you would be if she still had a BM.
Losing a parent is a terrible experience for a child, but it's never a reason to baby them. The one thing that they need more than anything else is structure and stability. Set rules and stick with them. That's the best thing you can do for her in the future. Also, encourage you SO to talk to your daughtwe about her mom in a positive way. Let her know that no one wants to or will ever forget her mom. Maybe hang a a picture of her mom in a frame in her room.
Definitely put a pic in her
Definitely put a pic in her room.