Is this it?
Is it? A life where you'll always come in second to SKs? Where your relationship just doesn't compare to the one that came before it that included kids? Where you hear the justification from your SO of, "I only get to see my kids every other week" over and over again justifying the reason why your relationship can just be cast aside for 2 weeks a month or half a year. Dealing with a guilty daddy syndrome. One of my favorites is when his kids scream at me. "oh well that do that to me too." (I don't care if they do that to you. I am not you, and I do not allow my child to disrpect me like that SO.) Or here's another good one, "We'll have all the time we want to spend together when they become teenagers." Yeah right. It's like he lives in a paradox. And I don't want to have to wait until I'm old and no longer have the zest for going out to things with SO. I don't want to wait until his kids have sucked the life out me. I dread every other week. I know that his kids are going to needy, out of control, ungrateful, rude, and trash the house.
Can anybody tell me if it's always going to be this way?
Thanks for letting me vent.
We have a list of established
We have a list of established house hold rules tapped to the back of the pantry door in the kitchen but SO has a really hard time following them. He's always askeing me to remind him when he forgets. Yeah right. Like I'm going to do that in front of his kids. It's almost like he wants me to look like a monster and the last time that I checked he was an adult. How hard is it to remember rules and they're pretty basic ones too. It just drives me nuts.
I was really really blessed
I was really really blessed that my DH had been in a situation where he was engaged to a woman before with kids. He saw how much putting kids first ruined their relationship. He made sure that our relationship was always firt and that we dealt with the kids together. It has been far easier than any relationship I've seen my SM and SD friends have because we cling to one another.
Honestly, it is going to be a
Honestly, it is going to be a little rough along the way, especially the teenage years, but finding a way to disengage is a little helpful. Doing lots of things that you like to do, extra hobbies, etc. I have always come second to my Skids but that doesn't mean it will be that way for everyone. I really like the idea to talk to your DH now about putting you first or as an equal and then making decisions together on the kids. Good luck. Ugh. Just being a SM is difficult but worth it sometimes when you love your DH.
None of us knew, yes its
None of us knew, yes its going to be like this for a while. Kids, whether they are yours or not are going to try and push. If they aren't yours, dad isn't backing you, and dad isn't doing anything about it it makes for a rough ride.
I have a guilty disney dad. Its taking A LOT of pushing, but I think he might just be coming around. He's going to have to be made to see the light and then decide if he wants to change things.
I had to tell SO he HAS to parent if he and I are going to work. I don't care if he thinks the issues are small or not, WE have to parent.
I disengaged long enough to let him see what his daughter was doing (playing her mom and him, acting inappropriate, etc). Then comes the push to make him do something about it. At some point you have to decide, if there is no change do I take it or leave it?
As far as his teenager's comment, they will be worse at that point. You don't reel them in now, they will be bad later.
He should be just as attentive to you now as he will be then. The kids need to see you are a strong couple. Otherwise, you will continue to feel the me vs. H/skids
"He should be just as
"He should be just as attentive to you now as he will be then. The kids need to see you are a strong couple."
I agree with this but how do you explaine it to someone who thinks that it's okay to push the relationship to side when their kids are there becuase you'll get your time later in life? In his mind he has completely justified his bahvior in his mind. It makes it impossible to explaine anything to anyone who already has their mind made up. And as far as the teenager thing goes, his kids are going to be complete nightmares when they get older. I have tried to tell him that he needs to work on them now because when they get older his life as well as mine id going to be hell. Even now his almost five year old son can't even wipe his rear end correctly and gets poop it all over his hands and proceeds to wipe fecal matter where ever he can in the bathroom. It's so nasty. And who cleans it up? You guessed it. ME. Do you think anybody has made an attempt to show him how to wipe properly? No. My 6 year old never went through that phase.
We talked again last night about everything, which didn't go over very well, and now I have been assigned a homework assignment. I have to write down 5 things or behaviors that I think he should work on or change and 5 things about myself that I think that I need to work on or change. We'll see how that goes.
What do you mean you've been
What do you mean you've been assigned homework??? from him??? really?? I would tell him to shove his assignment where the sun dont shine...and as for your SS that puts fecal matter all over the bathroom, I would make him clean it up and I would stand there until it's all done. I wouldnt care if your SD cries, screams, yells, freaks out...I would block that door and put headphones on with music playing and he would darn well clean that bathroom..
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this..Your SO needs to step up and be a father instead of a part time friend in his kids lives. He needs to lead by example instead of being part of the problem....sheessssshhhh...
Z
Yep!! you said it; this is
Yep!! you said it; this is it. I suppose it has its ups and downs. DH caught on to SD14 when she moved in with us last year full time!! YEAH........SD is a complete B* so we all just co-exist. I hardly even look or speak to her. DH doesn't really like it; but its either that or I leave with his other 3 kids.......I win...We only have 4 more years till she's off to college!!
I have waited 12 years what's another 4
The homework assignment
The homework assignment wasn't really that bad. Everything that I put for my 5 things that I need to work on and change were the same as that he put down for me. The five things that I put down for him to change were similar but not all the same. One of the things that he has a hard time understanding is that when his kids are with us it's just him and them until they're asleep and then he'll come and sit next to me or hang out with me a little bit before we go to bed. I think that it's important for him to do these basic things in front of his kids. I'm like an outsider when they are there and SO is the reason why. If he is sitting one or both of his kids are sitting in his lap. And his kids are so territorial that if my BD(6) tries to climb into his lap too his son will try and kick her away. It's nuts. I've told him over and over again that when his son does that to that he needs to make him go and sit some where else for a while.
Why can't just him and I sit together without kids while they're up? What's so wrong with showing the kids that I am a part of their family? That our relationship matters? Maybe if SO would show them this they would have a little more respect for me. My BD(6) has already been acepted but that's because she another playmate to them. I am hoping that he understands the point that I was trying to make. I don't think that I am asking to much. I just want to be included. And I also want him to work on removing his 4 1/2 year old son from the throne of power in the house. He really is top dog in the pecking order in our house. It's sad. You should see this little boys behavior. It's absolutely crazy. He won't listen at all. SO has to litterally yell at him after asking like 10 times to do something or not to do something to get him to listen. He'll scream at you if you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Just try and ask him to say excuse me if he burps or farts. He will flat out turn his back on you and walk away. Everytime he doesn't listen to me I take one of his favorite toys away and I won't give it back until he apologizes for not listening. This started about three weeks ago and guess what I still have every toy that I have taken away from him. He is completely out of control. He used to threaten SO and I all the time. He would say things like I'm going to cut your head off and rip your eyeballs out and worse. Things that a 4 year old shoud not be saying and he was doing this at 3. He has called his pre-school teacher a bastard. God help me. This little boy is going to be a nightmare when he gets older if SO can not get him under control now. I keep telling SO that for the next little bit it needs to be tough love with this kid until he realizes where his place in the family is. And I mean everytime he does or says anthing that is disrespectful he's in trouble. Everytime. Not just these useless threats that there is no follow through on.