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Is it really the kids who are ruining lives? Or the parents who aren't parenting?

LilyBelle's picture

I was just thinking....

When a kid is under say 13 or 14 and they do whatever it is they do, is it the kid who is ruining the family, the life, the relationship....

or is it the parent's lack of intervention that is causing the kid to be how they are?

Sometimes, I think we tend to be angry at the wrong people.....

Any thoughts?

Disneyfan's picture

The parents are at fault. But it can be hard to place blame on the person you love.

If you dislike\hate BM and the SKs, it's easy to place all or most of the blame on them.

bi's picture

i have mixed feelings about this. absolutely fdh's lack of disciplining his brat had a huge part in her nasty attitude and appalling behavior. had he taught her that it would not be tolerated rather than allowed it, maybe she wouldn't have continued to do it.

on the other hand, i have a friend who is a great parent. her son still turned out to be worthless. we have no doubt he will end up in prison. she didn't do anything to make him that way, he's just rotten and has been since birth. she has done everything in her power to get him help. nothing works.

then there are people like me. i had an absent father who chose to be in prison rather than a functioning member of society, i had an abusive sf, and a lazy worthless mother who just saw my brother and i as welfare check and we were unwanted beyond that. all she cared about was her trashy dh. i turned out fine. i've never seen the inside of a jail cell and i don't know how it feels to be drunk off my ass or higher than a kite on cocaine, etc. i take care of my kids. i've never had CPS called on me (other than the time my drunk mother did that because she didn't like my bf, and that went NOWHERE).

parents do help to shape their children, but i believe all people have an innate personality that is going to come thru no matter who raises them or how it's done. hopefully good kids with bad parents will have a personality that overcomes the bad parenting, and good parents with bad kids can have some influence that helps to keep the bad behavior at bay.

iqrt's picture

Lack of parenting and cooperation, and just plain manipulation and evil scheming on the part of the parents. The 5yo gets caught in the middle and turns into a nightmare hellion from all of the stress/lack of parenting and getting forced into the role of messenger.'s picture

There are other components at play, such as environmental toxins like lead or mercury from vaccines, fluoride toxicity, and food allergies. More kids have problems these days for a reason, and not necessarily because parents suck. I'm reading a great book right now, I think it's called Raising Resilient Children. It discusses how to work with your child's temperament, especially if it's different from your own. It's pretty good.