Is it a Step kid thing or oldest kid thing?
So I was the youngest in my family and never expected any alone time with my parents... or one on one daddy or mommy time. And never got any special moments with them, not intentionally at least. I of course got unintentional time with my mom mostly, eventually, when my brothers were older, pretty much just going to the store... uhhh you know... nothing exciting. But like I'm saying, nothing was done intentionally and I never asked.
my SD asks every week for a daddy daughter date and while I get they should have their time to spend together because she isn't here all the time and that is unique, I am wondering if this is also just part of being the oldest kid? Like, you're around first and feel like you deserve time with your parents more? I had all the kids at the park today (I took over full time daycare of my SD til school starts during our weeks) and another girl came up to look at our baby and her and her mom were talking to us. Her mom said her daughters asks all the time when she can have another baby, ha. This girl had two other siblings as well. They asked my SD if she likes the baby and she said "no because we can't go to the pool".
my DH addressed her request well this week because he responded back "I have to spend time with you, wife, my daughter and son" since he spent the entire weekend working into the evening and not with us before SD came back. Clearly my DH is spread thin and I understand and am helping him out. I take the kids to parks everyday. The kids all want to spend time with him and he's doing his best.
I guess going back to the beginning of what I was saying, I never had any entitlement towards spending time with parents nor expected them to take me out for special or alone time as a youngest, but that is what everyone says is healthy for step kids. I'm glad my DH at least acknowledged he was slacking with our children as well. Should SKs always get special extra time with bio parent in a situation like this?
Times have changed
The child centric version of the family has emerged. The high divorce rate. I think when a child isnt with a parent full time this happens more, the need of alone time. That scooped in with children come first mindset. Dang I wish I was born in this era. I certainly never thought to ask for it. Or expected.
Gone are the days where folks have nine kids and they all work the farm. Heck I have no clue how folks remembered all their names let alone one on one time.
So to answer your question. I think there is more of this with divorced families. Problems start when daddio only does one on one with first born family and doesnt do the same for the ours children. It seems your DH is doing well with all.
NO, Skids should not get special alone time with the BioParent..
Any more than any other kid would in an intact family. Yes, birth order drives some differences. Generally, the first in the birth order have some no Sibling years with their parents. Then sibs come along. As couples mature, careers advance, and more kids arrive, things evolve. Many first borns were with mom and dad during the early lowest income years when time together was the thing that was available for the parents and the eldest kid. Last in birth order kids often have far more priveleged early years than the eldest children had when they were the younger ages.
Nothing magic. Just pure time, birth order, and family evolution.
I don't think that it is an oldest kid thing. As the oldest of 3.... I am 6 years older than my younger brother and was 8 years older than the youngest. I did get a lot of family time with my parents. Mom, Dad, and I grew up together, at least for 6 of the first 8 years of their marriage. They married at 19(Dad)&17(Mom) and had me at 21&19 respectively. Once my brother(s) were born it was still all family time. The family was just bigger. I got less parental focus because that is what happens as kids grow up. My younger brothers got the focus because... they were babies/toddlers/the youngest.
Occassionally there were some 1:1 parent/me times as we all aged. As the eldest I could do things the little one's couldn't. Motorcycle trips, rock climbing, etc... Though usually it was all 5 of us.
As we all grew up, my parents made it clear that I had already experienced my turn at the younger years and I would not be allowed to interfere in my younger brothers' turns and mom and dad would do their best to make sure that the little ones did not interfere in my turn to be the older kid age(s).
As it turned out, I left home for boarding school at 15 so my younger brother had his dedicated mom and dad time from 7yo and up while I had mine until I was 6yo. The baby passeed when I was 9 and my younger brother was 2yo. My little brother also left for boarding school in his mid teens. So we had similar kid experiences with our parents. With some time shift elements of course.
IMHO there is no formula. Families grow and adjust. The fixation of Skids and many in blended families to freeze the Daddy/Mommy and me time is a huge falicy IMHO.
Shit happens, grow TF up and no.... a parent should not ice their mate and younger children for an elder prior relationship child. The same applies in the other direction. A parent should not ice the elder prior relationship child for younger children. Blended family or not. Family is about the unit. As the focus anyway.
IMHO of course.
My younger brother and I both
My younger brother and I both got alone time with each of our parents and both of us felt comfortable asking for it. We didnt try to exclude the other we just had different shared interests with our parents.
I think stepkids have extra entitlement like they need to assert their birthright or something.
My husband has two daughters
My husband has two daughters with BM and one with me. He never spends individual time with the two SDs - he does things with them together (they're 2.5 years apart). He will do things with the two of them without DD, but mostly because SDs are school age and DD is 2, so the things they're interested in doing with DH are different. Neither of the SDs asks DH to do things with her alone. They're perfectly content to spend time with him and each other, or with him and DD. So in my experience it's neither an oldest thing nor a stepkid thing. It might be an age and age gap thing, though. I imagine if my younger SD didn't exist, DH would spend alone time with the older SD the same as he spends time with the both of them now, and she might get used to it and expect it. It would be hard for him to do a lot of things with SD9 and DD2 together.
Calling a kid' s desire to
Calling a kid' s desire to spend time with their parents as '"entitlement" is a bit of an exaggeration in my opinion. The kid is asking for some one-on-one time, not a million bucks. If my kid asked me to spend some one on one time with me I'd be happy, and I would certainly not think of it as them being "entitled". Entitlement is not this.
Perhaps entitlement is not
Perhaps entitlement is not the correct word, the little ones obviously don't know to ask for it (my almost 3 year old says she misses daddy, but obviously wouldn't know to say "take only me to ice cream daddy" "take me to the park" take only me to the pool daddy". He doesn't have time to barely any of that, unless we do it all as a family on the weekends, which he also works part of.
So yeah, Idk, basically we only have time for family stuff right now. Maybe once a month one on one, but my DH doesn't really have time to be taking each kid on individual dates each weekend. And I don't think that's necessary for a healthy happy family.
I think entitlement is correct in many situations.
Entitlement is a belief that someone is deserving of special treatment or a privilege. Above others.
I know that small children can't consciously ask for this but a pattern of entitlement often develops at this age. And it can be very toxic to the rest of the family unit and the couple. Of course, it is very situational dependent but the roots of it can start early. The small child who is blatantly and regularly accommodated so they can be "special" above everyone else in the household is not doing them, nor anyone else, any favors. And just go to the adult skid forum here to see how entitlement manifests itself later - that kind of unhealthy behavior does not go away and can last for a lifetime.
Let's also be clear that this is not something unique to stepfamilies. It happens in all kinds of family situations. When one child is favored over others it creates conflict. (Mom always liked you best! phenomenon.) Add a stepkid into the mix and it turns a tinder into a raging fire.
But fundamentally, I think it depends on the level of accommodation. All kids, skid or bio, enjoy some time alone with parents once in awhile. Certainly when it is a kid's special event - birthday, graduation, etc. the focus should be on them as they ARE special that day. Same with the occasional organic event that happens, like when the littles are napping and older skid has time with bio parent to do something together. Or the parent/child have a special activity they do together, which others in the family don't care to do but are NOT specifically excluded from.
I think most of us know the difference between a child getting time with a parent versus a demand for special treatment above all others.
You make a good point about
You make a good point about the small child who gets accommodated and alluding to that not always being the SK or an issue with just step/blended families.
Entitlement, or setting kids up to feel entitled, can come in many different forms. Not being willing to do an activity because one kid doesn't like it but another kid does makes the kid who doesn't like it feel entitled to never have to do something out of their comfort zone, whereas the other child learns that they shouldn't expect to get what they want if the other sibling is around.
From my experience, which I understand is not universal, the oldest kid may want or get more one-on-one time but they're also expected to behave more maturely, get better grades, act as a secondary parent, etc. They're "favorited" because they're the OG and more molded to the parent. The youngest, though, ends up spoiled and with fewer rules. They get to be the parents' "fun kid" because they either got tired or realized that kids are resilient and will be fine even if they don't put crushing demands on them. Then the middle kids just kind of get some hodge podge of the two.
There are many ways to breed entitlement AND resentment in kids. Steplife just adds another layer to that because the kid who feels entitled to special time with a parent might feel that way because they're resentful that the other kids get to be with both their parents all the time. Toss in CPs who tell their kids that their other parent is worthless or an NCP who only acts like an ATM and those feelings become validated really, really quickly. Once SKs become adults who either are parents or SPs themselves they *might* gain some perspective they didn't have as a kid (been there, still dealing with that), but parents have to do a better job of recognizing their own parts in this, too, and mitigating it before it becomes their kid's problem to sort out in adulthood.
Finally, it's important to recognize kids as individuals. Some kids are going to want a lot of socializing while others are content to be left mostly alone. You can't apply a "one size fits all" approach to parenting, especially as kids get older. It sounds daunting and exhausting because it is daunting and exhausting. That doesn't mean life should be centered around only what the kids want, but it does have to adjust to where a family goes from one relationship being maintained between a married couple to three relationships being maintained when adding one kid (mom-child, dad-child, and family unit), and it exponentially grows when more children are added. Toss in a stepparent, stepsiblings, and half siblings and you're talking about a LOT of relationships that need to be managed - sometimes more for the kid than for the adults. If you're an SK, especially the oldest kid in two families, you may feel like your wants and needs are being ignored or excluded because they don't fit with the new paradigms being created, and that's going to result in some SKs getting very vocal about what they want and why they're unhappy.
This isn't me saying entitled kids who behave that way just for the sake of behaving that way don't exist. It's just more about being mindful of how each kid is being treated, talking to a child who seems to be feeling entitled about why that is (it may be resentment in disguise), and adapting the family and parenting structure so that everyone is getting what they need to succeed (not just survive) as adults.
Good stuff. Lt.
My parents gave me a perspective when I was in my mid teens and my brother was in his late single digits. I was fequently baffled by what my parents would tolerate from my brother. Things that would have gotten me killed. From my perspective he was lippy, talked back, was disrespectful, etc....
When I was finally through biting my tongue about it my dad agreed with me. That yes, what my brother was doing would not have been tolerated with me at that age. He then went on to say "your brother owes you a debt of grattitude for teaching your mom and I how to parent. You were our first. We made some mistakes. We are trying to not make those mistakes again. Though we are no doubt making other mistakes with your brother." I appreciated that.
It didn't help change my opinion that my brother was getting away with crap and being disrespectful to our parents, but I appreciated dad discussing it with me.
As it turned out, they made some good moves with my brother. I have done well, he has done exceptionally well. I am proud of my baby bro. Even when I was ready to strangle him, he has been my nerly life long favorite person since they carried him home from the delivery room. My bride and my kid not withstanding.
I got together with DH when
I got together with DH when my girls were 4,6 and his daughter 5..we later had a son together. SD always wanted 1:1 with dad and just like you said, the man doesn't have time. He maybe has two days off and during that tries to do the family stuff. He would go see her when able for her activities at school but my kids were in the same activities so we all went. He has tried over the years to say that she should look for the small moments when they can be 1:1. If he is going to run errands, ask her to come (1:1) but she always declines-even now. If he is outside doing something ask her to help him out, show her how to do car work(she's old enough to drive) she declines. Apparently if they are not doing 'something special' it's not worth it (I blame BM for this..she always talks about 'special' this and that). My oldest isn't like that with us at all. Or me for that matter. If any of them get a 1:1 day because of others activities they enjoy it (except SD). I think it's a step kid issue..but mine are his Steps and they actually prefer family stuff-all of us together.
I don't think it's as simple
I don't think it's as simple as "is this an SK entitlement issue" situation. Age differences between kids, how much time they get doing both fun and daily family stuff, expectations set by parents, and attachment issues are all going to play into it. You also have to keep in mind that kids are fully human, too, and are going to want the same things other humans want - like special time with people they love and care about.
In this case, your SD is older than her siblings. It sounds like she has interests that can't be accommodated because of her younger siblings. She gets less time with her dad than her siblings due to the nature of divorce. She spends most of her day with someone who isn't her parent and is fairly disengaged from her. It makes a lot of sense that she'd want to spend one-on-one time with her dad.
I think instead of expecting kids to just accept ONLY family time that parents need to schedule time to give each person some one-on-one time. That time doesn't have to be out and doing big, fun things. It could be a parent and kid making a cake or cookies together, or taking a walk around the park, or running errands together (and maybe grabbing an ice cream while they're out). It gives kids the opportunity to talk to their parent(s) about things going on in their life and helping a parent better understand their kid as an individual, not just a family member.
So SD wanting one-on-one time isn't entitlement. Only wanting one-on-one time IF her dad takes her to buy something or do something that costs a lot of money could fall more into the entitlement territory. Instead of your DH telling SD that he needs to spend time with each of you and leaving it at that, he needs to get creative in how to spend time with her, even for 30 minutes, when she is around. Maybe once a month they go do something "big". The rest of the time, it could be little things that they do together that they both enjoy or can build those individual relationships around. And he can do the same with the other kids and you.
DH has one on one time with
DH has one on one time with his kids, only because their interests are polar opposites. SS loves sports, SD sits there bored. SD loves art and playgrounds, SS sits there bored. DH even takes our DD2 for a drive sometimes to get some time with her on his own. It's not entitlement, more so he can have that bond and quality time with them. It's not often, just when he feels it's been a while. They never ask for it either, so when he suggests it they love it.
I think it depends on family dynamic, seperate parents, and how attention demanding the kids are whether it's seen as entitlement.