I'm sorry you're facing this. I would really recommend going to therapy by yourself in the meantime. I think it could really help you to focus on you for the time being.

Hmm. Bio father here. It really bugs the f%ck out of me that any of you people think you are qualified to judge and make recommendations when you have absolutely no idea about what is really going on.

My son is living with us so I can ensure he goes to school and sits his exams. These exams are very important in our country and anyone who doesn't sit them will find early adulthood in the job market very difficult. This is life changing stuff. The reason he is living with us is because his bio mother couldn't make him go to school while he was living with her. I couldn't do much about it as they were living 600kms away. There is 7 weeks left in the school year, during which these exams take place, then he is going back to live with his mother. My job will be done, he will have at least SOME form of educational qualifications to go out and get a job. He is performing very well at school down here and all of his teachers have said that he is on track to pass his exams.

He is NOT lazy. He does the dishes after dinner every night. He feeds the cats every night. He helps me do the washing on the weekends. He mows the lawns. He is generally polite, he does what he is asked when I ask him and he is trustworthy. In saying that, he is a teenager and can be thoughtless at times. What teenager isn't?

A couple of days ago we came home after being away for two days at SM's relatives' funeral. My son had vacuumed, tidied up the lounge, (including arranging the cushions on the couches...!), cleaned the kitchen and stove and had cleaned out the fridge. Not meaning eaten all of the food but emptied out old stuff and cleaned it. He had emptied the dishwasher. I would estimate he had spent a good couple of hours doing all of this WITHOUT being asked, or even having it mentioned to him.

We just walked into a clean and tidy warm house. It was warm because he had made sure the gas heater was going when we got home. For his efforts he got a icy "Thanks for tidying up" from SM as he said goodnight. I don't think she even looked at him when she said it. I thought he deserved a little more appreciation than that.

Whatever housework isn't done by my son is done by me. I do the majority of cooking and cleaning in our household. SM's only real job used to be the washing, and now she refuses to do my son's washing. I said "Fine, I'll do mine and his, you sort out your own." Problem solved.

SM verbally attacked my son the other night for not saying hello to her when he got home from school. She was downstairs in the spare room doing some renovation work. I was at work. I took her side on this and told him that he needed to say hello when he gets home. He tried to defend himself when she carried on at him and I was the bad guy for not stepping in. I thought it was good for him to defend himself against an angry verbal attack for such a minor thing.

I tried to fix things then by getting SM to set some ground rules for my son. I told her to tell him what she expected of him, because if he doesn't know then he can't make sure he abides. She she doesn't know what she expects of him. How is he meant to win there?

SM threw a tantrum last night as I was headed out to spend an evening with a friend. SM was meant to be going to work anyway. This evening had been organised weeks ago. I got angry (she was already angry before the conversation even started, I just got dragged into it) and told her that she is poisonous towards my son and that when he goes back to live with his mother 600kms away I will probably hardly ever see him again because he won't want to come and stay. She informed me that he wouldn't be welcome in our home and that I would have to go see him somewhere else if I wanted to see him anyway.

That isn't acceptable in my book. I should be able to invited my son to stay with me in my own home. That's like being asked to choose between him and her. I can't replace my son. Say no more.

I have said that I will go to marriage counselling with her when he has gone. What is the point in going to counselling regarding my son when he'll be gone for good in 7 weeks anyway? At least that way when we go to counselling it will be focussed on our marriage and not on my son who doesn't live with us any more.

Apparently that's not acceptable to her.

As for my love of alcohol, not that it concerns anybody here, but I like to have a few drinks before I go to bed. It helps me sleep at night. I don't drink during the day, I don't go on day long or multi day benders, I don't become abusive either verbally or physically to anyone. It does not change who I am and it bears no relevance to the relationship between SM and my son.

Most of the time I feel like the UN peace keeping force between SM and my son. Sometimes I think SM is right, sometimes I don't. I do what I can to try to make home life for everyone concerned as smooth as I can.

It is emotionally draining at times, depending on how foul SM's mood is at that point in time.

At the end of the day, when you're forced to choose between your child or your wife, what do you do? I'm very f*cking angry that I'm being put in this position as it is. Any bio parent out there knows the correct answer to that question.

I'm tired of fighting the battle I can never win and perhaps it IS time to call it a day. It's up to her. I have to do what I have to do for my boy, with or without her support over the next 7 weeks. Then he'll be gone for good.

And I'm the bad guy.

it seems to me that you aren't being asked to make a choice, you already have.
"I can't replace my son", but your WIFE is replaceable? do you realize your WIFE is your next of kin? or, did you think the marriage vowels you took meant "unless my son and wife don't get along" instead of death do us part? i believe those vowels also state that you FORSAKE ALL OTHERS? maybe you weren't ready for marriage.
i believe i remember seeing the op saying that you moved your son back in without consulting her? is this your idea of a balanced marriage. your son sounds like an upstanding kid, doing what he should be doing, but nowhere in your post do i see that he is RESPECTFUL of your wife. nowhere in your post do i see where you actually CONSIDER your wife's feelings. i am positive that if your wife felt as if she were your partner and felt respected and valued by both YOU and your son, the two of you could have worked out a compromise agreeable to both of you, not just you.

I am not an expert in stepparenting, and wouldn't trust anybody who claim to be one. But the one problem I can see that most of step parents seem to face is simply the power struggle.

A person's emotional needs have to be met in order to be a happy person. Sure, nobody want to deal with an angry person who has poor impulse control, but nobody want to be that angry person. Nobody understand the pain and frustrations a step parent goes through. Resentment builts up to a point of no return.

I don't want to lay blame on step mom, bio dad, or step kid. All three parties are in no-good situations sometimes. There is definitely no easy solution.

I believe bio dads do try their best to balance between wife and his children. But bio dad must accept that SOME step mom will never love YOUR kids the way you want them to. It is not about "taking sides", it is about constantly finding that balance and move forward.

I don't have any comforting words or solutions, but I don't believe one bit that "Your bio child is the most important person in your life." I sure don't want a marriage just to reproduce.

Finding why the step mom is so angry might be the solution to all. IF a woman's emotional needs are met, she certainly can do wonders. Give us women some credits here.

Biodad, i'm really glad you popped in,you may be defending yourself, but I think you want to make this work with SO. At the end of the day, that's all that counts because once you hit rock bottom, and you don't care anymore, it could be a dangerous place to be and you may not want to try anymore. I had had hit that point a few weeks ago and my DH didn't let me stay there. We must have talked and cried and screamed and talked and cried some more for about 4 hours. It's a daily battle. We're doing better but it's not perfect. I'm going to think about telling my DH about this site and he can bring some feedback. It might just help us steps a bit. who knows?

What an interesting post. It isn't often that we have the biodad chime in. In a very well composed and carefully written post, I notice that biodad spends the great majority of his words praising his son. Elaborating on the fact that his teenage son does chores fills the bulk of the post. Don't you think a teenage boy SHOULD do chores? Should he receive some sort of extraordinary praise for this? Especially since it seems that he was brought, by biodad, into a home that he shares with his wife, and given that this would be quite a shock to her day to day life, don't you think the boy should pitch in? I suspect that he makes his share of the messes. Biodad, your wife made a point of thanking your son for tidying up the house and you say that this isn't high enough praise on her part? What would you suggest? A huge thank you hug and kiss? Didn't you say she just came home from a funeral to find her house tidy? How happy would you expect her to be? Is this a window into the unrealistic expectations you have of her? I think a stepmother that does not want a stepchild in her home and was not consulted before bringing him there who goes out of her way to thank him for doing chores that he should be doing anyway is doing pretty well in the civility department.

I also notice that despite your kind words and praise for yourself for saving your son by forcing him to go to school and for your child for doing a few chores, you have nothing but negative tone and hostility for your wife. She complained, as she should that your son does not even acknowledge her with a greeting when he enters HER home. To you, this is a "verbal attack." Your son should have basic manners by his age, and not saying hello to someone when you enter their house is rude. It shouldn't have been your wife having to explain this to him. It should have been you. You say you took her side on this. Rightly so, as she was correct. Most glaring, when you chose to go out with your buddies knowing the situation with your son was causing problems for your wife and that she was going through a hard time, you lovingly (sarcastic) refer to your wife having a "temper tantrum." Do you have any idea how degrading that is? There is little a woman hates more than that. When she is truly upset, hurting, pouring her heart out to you, probably with tears in her eyes, and you refer to her tantrum, or her mood or her meltdown, the total disregard is exasperating. Maybe if you could save the derogatory comments about her temper tantrum and talk about why she doesn't want you to leave, you might make progress. Take it a few steps further and you might even be flattered that this woman needs you and wants your company in a time of stress. Given that her stress is due to your child and your choice to bring him into a home that you share with her and your refusal to try to improve the marriage with therapy, one could certainly argue that putting a night out with the guys as first priority wasn't wise. Maybe it would be more fitting to discuss your lack of judgement rather than her "temper tantrum."

As for the counselling issue, it makes no sense that you cannot find time to get your kid to school AND attend a few sessions with your wife, and the fact that you are going to blow her off until your kid leaves simply validates her feeling that all you care about is your son. You say yourself that you won't see much of him at all after 7 weeks. Doesn't that mean that you will have only your wife left in your home? What a cruel blow to her that you won't take the time for a relationship that could last for the rest of your lives, because you are so fixated on the next 7 weeks with your kid. That doesn't make much sense and I agree that in addition to being a poor excuse, it is doubly hurtful for your wife to realize how little regard you have for your marriage. Making the time to do this would probably mean the most to her. Take her out to dinner afterwards and acknowledge how hard the sudden transition to having a teenager in the home must be for her, and you might be surprise how far a few kind words can go (if you mean them). To say that there is no reason to speak about your son in therapy is also completely illogical. He is the root of your problems. When he leaves, the resentment will not. It makes most sense to address the issues while they are ongoing.

As another poster said, you don't have to choose between your kid and your wife. Your post makes clear that you have already chosen your son. There is no balance in your words. There is no 50/50, make time for everyone attitude. Your tone says it all. Your son is 100%, and only when he is gone will you consider your wife. Women don't work that way. Marriages don't work that way. Having a child does not make your wife less important. It seems that both you and your wife have tremendous resentment toward each other. At least your wife sees this and knows it needs to be addressed NOW. If you expect her to sit around and wait her turn to get a little consideration and attention from you, she will be gone before your son is. Is that really what you want? If so, why not just be honest and save her the agony? If you aren't sure, how about giving the counsellor a try to figure it out.

I hope your son finds enough motivating to better himself without being forced to by a parent. I hope you and your wife find happiness, together or apart.

As we all see by this post, the problem with most skids are the Parents... Stepparents are in the middle of unfinished business and unhealed wounds because when people divorce, it doesn't mean their issues go away, especially involving the kids. The Kids APPEAR to be part of the issue but that's largely because the Parents create the issue. So it's no wonder so many of blended family situations fail. Very hard to blend something with so many people and issues involved and I truly wonder why any of us even bother...

With that said, here's my little take on it all:

BioDad, it sounds like there are issues that started before Inneed was even in the picture if his own Mother has no control over him. What chance does a Step Parent have especially when you are only seeing one side. No Stepparent (well except the really crazy ones) want to make a Parent choose between their kids and themselves. But when a Parent can see no wrong in their child, practices guilt-parenting & takes all power away from their spouse but have expectations of their spouse to be a Parent role, then the dynamic becomes one in which any complaint is HEARD as "choose". You cannot ask her what her expectations are of him -that's your role to set. You can ask her what it is she needs from YOU and I bet you she could tell you. In a nutshell, from what I can tell, what she needs is to know she matters and is NOT replaceable which you have seemed to clearly indicate she is. That does not make anyone feel like doing anything except giving up. Waiting until your son leaves will NOT solve the pain left behind nor will it solve the relationship damage. His physical presence is not the issue. You are looking at the symptoms, not the disease. Besides, there's an "adult stepchildren" forum on this board for a reason--bad dynamics don't ever go away without effort and kids never stop being our kids no matter what age or where they are so "waiting" means nothing but prolonging the damage. If you cannot figure out how to be a Father and a Wife, then let your wife go.

Inneed, you have to find your center again, regardless of this situation. You've whittled down into this sad little post and don't realize that your happiness is partly your responsibility too. This means you can effect change just as things are by 1-disengaging and 2-seeking counseling for yourself. You still love Biodad so you still see something in him outside of the SS or the drinking and you have to ask yourself is it worth this fight to get to that "something"? You want counseling so I think it is worth it to you. Yet you have to be prepared to walk if you are not getting the participation required and that will be sad but it'll one day lead you to peace and happiness again whereas this situation as it is, never will.

For both of you: Step out of your own heads and hearts for a moment. Look at this as if you had a friend in this situation. Would you tell them to blow up? Would you tell them to ignore the situation and leave to go have fun anyway? I doubt it. It sounds like too much frustration exists which is why neither of you can express yourselves properly right now. It's beyond that point so an outside assistance is what you both need. Someone who is objective so I advise that you get into Counseling NOW because the problem is NOT your Son/Skid. It's how you all have chosen to handle it. I think this still has hope (sllllllliiiiiimmmm) but hope nonetheless. Get counseling NOW please. You owe it to your marriage vows and to son/skid because what they need most is an example of a good strong partnership.

Best of peace to you both.