Jealous when fiance spends time with SD (almost 13)
I hate this about myself but when my fiance is helping his daughter with her homework, cooking her dinner and talking to her I get so jealous and sad. I know how to integrate myself into the conversation but when it's just the two of them i feel lonely and like I'm not getting any love or attention. I would never say this or complain but it almost in my head feels like she's his second partner! I know it's not like that but it's a trigger for me to see them spending time together because I am insecure about how much attention my dad paid me when I was young. I realize where the feelings are coming from but I'm not sure how to stop this sadness! Went upstairs to take a bath for some much needed me time but I hate feeling like I'm sharing my fiance's time, energy and love.
I recognize this is 100% my problem and not either of theirs. K have no kids of my own yet to occupy my energy so that's why Im so focused on it and counting down until it's just the two of us!
Make a different choice on how you choose to feel.
Feelings can be a choice. Don't be a victim of feelings. Use your head to guide how you feel and not the other way around.
You are no more sharing your DH's love than you would be if SD were your shared BioDaughter.
Good luck.
My stepmother when I was 16
My stepmother when I was 16 mentioned to my dad once that he cooks alot for me and why he never cooks for her like he does for me. And that he hangs out with me more than her. I don't know yalls history ect but for me at 15 I didn't even notice he cooked for me or cared. It's literally hey I'm hungry dad. I think it meant more to my dad then it did to me cause he would show off how I always ate everything he made. It could be he meant it by he cooks great and she misunderstood him. Some teenagers don't even notice the things there parents do because they are so obsessed with teen life they miss subtle details. Looking back now I understand my stepmoms point of view.
It could be more of your fiance not showing you enough attention then it is your SD unless she is doing the mini wife stuff I read about on the forum. The mini wife stuff can become very toxic if it's that. As long as she respects you and treats you good then your fiance may just need to acknowledge you more. I see my stepmother as my own mom and look up to her so it was never toxic.
I'm sorry that you are having
I'm sorry that you are having those feelings. On the face of it, it doesn't 100% sound like it is anything they are doing that is wrong... just that you can't shake the feeling of jealousy.
I do think you need to take a frank look at things..
1. Because he has a good relationship with his child, it does not mean that is abnormal. She is his child.. not your competition for a romantic relationship
2. Spending time with his daughter doesn't necessarily mean he is choosing her over you.. I'm sure he spends plenty of time and makes you feel valued as his partner (if he doesn't.. that's an issue not to do with her).
3. She is not going to disappear in 5 years... she is his daughter forever. It's toxic to live waiting for something like that.
4. Get therapy for yourself. You know logically this is an issue that has a lot to do with your own past traumas.. it isn't fair to poison his relationship with his child because you had a poor one with your father.
5. Don't have kids with this guy until you fully resolve your own issues... because otherwise, your next posts will be about how you can't stand that your child with him isn't his "first" and your jealousy will ramp up 1000 fold once you have those pregnancy hormones ramping up.
Steplife is hard and not entirely natural... living with unrelated to you kids etc.. and it's no shame if it's not for you.. but you have to work on your own issues before you can truly see if it's going to work for you.
I agree with ESMOD on all
I agree with ESMOD on all points. However, I would say that if husband is putting you second to his daughter and acting like she is his wife, then this needs to be addressed with him. I was jealous of my soon to be ex husband and the time he spent with his son, but he would blantantly put his son (and his son's girlfriend) first. STBXH would also never spend any time with me, he would barely speak to me, and refused to let me help him cook dinner because he wanted only his son to help him. He treats my SS like a spouse and me like a roommate. So while it's normal for a dad to spend time with and do things for his kid, it's not normal if you are ignored and he treats you like a roommate. I know you wrote that you have issues with how much attention your dad gave you - I think counseling would help. But do make sure in the relationship that you are being treated like a wife, not a roommate. If DH is trying to give you roommate treatment, it's time to let him know how you feel. I hope things turn around - we are with you!
I agree if you are dealing
I agree if you are dealing with a total miniwife or disney dad situation.. where he ignores his spouse, that is a partner problem. But, I get that her issues more stem from the fact that her own father didn't treat her well.. and for that.. she is the only one that can work on those issues.