Kids are driving me CRAZY, boyfriend is less than supportive

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Boyfriend and I fight almost constantly. I live with him and he has 50/50 custody of SD 5, SS 11.

Biggest issue is that he expects our relationship to pause everytime the kids are with us. He thinks I have no right to still want an active, normal relationship with him including attention, one on one time.. etc... I've tried talking to him about this since we started dating years ago but he insists that because he only has the kids half the time, they should get all his attention.

SD has learned that if she cries for something, she will get it, no matter what. Drives me up the wall, if I try to approach this with bf, he tells me how I have no experience parenting, while he does and accuses me of not loving his kids as if they were my own. Ugh. What is it about divorced parents thinking they have to just completely give up discipline?? He's told me that "kids don't understand discipline"... lol... ok... both parents don't want to be the "mean" home... boy oh boy

It was my birthday this week, we fought the entire day while the kids were at school and then the entire evening was entirely about him and the kids and not for even one second was it about me. Very reminiscent of our first anniversary when he refused to get a babysitter for the kids because he said I should enjoy spending time with them as well... on our... first anniversary............

I am at my wits end. I don't want to leave him but he is so firm in his desire for it to be his way or the highway that I can't stand it anymore.... advice anybody please? I'm tired of living my life alone and overlooked, yielding to children who don't even want me around. I've resorted to basicallly just hiding in our bedroom while the children are here since that makes everyone else really happy as they get to live their lives how they want without worrying about me but I can't do it much longer... please, I just want the man I fell in love with back :(

Honestly I cant figure out

Honestly I cant figure out why you dont want to leave?? This sounds like you BF is very one sided and inconsiderate. Do you have a job??

I do but I really love him.

I do have a job, not sure what that has to do with leaving him. I don't want to leave because I really love him. And despite the problems we've faced I've become attached to the kids too, its difficult to imagine my life without them. I always felt like we would be able to work it out

The SO whose dysfunction led

The SO whose dysfunction led me here had a girlfriend before me. She stayed longer than most (not forever though) because she didn't have a job and put up with a lot just to have a roof over her head. A job gives you money which gives you options.

SD used to talk to me about

SD used to talk to me about SS's gf that he was living with in KY. She wanted to break up with him bc he didn't want to work and was fine with her working and paying all the bills. She didn't want to have "wasted" the previous 2 years she'd been with him. I told SD wouldn't you rather get out if you know you're unhappy after 2 years, rather than sticking around and being unhappy and realize down the road you lost 10 years?

That's not to say you should break up, but you have every right to be happy. I have berated myself before bc I don't have bio-kids so how would I know what it takes to be a parent? But that's honestly b.s. Those kids are coming into YOUR shared home, it's not all about them. Kids need a strong set of parents, and you and your SO should be that united front. He's not supporting you, not validating you, not compromising for you....why is that enough for you to want to stay?

It is great that you got past

It is great that you got past the perspective that you don't know anything about parenting just because you don't have BKs.

We all know about parenting. Whether we have BKs or not. We have all been raised by someone and have experienced the results of their parenting. No one goes into parenting completely blind.

This is one of the reasons why I see red when someone who thinks breeding makes them special throws the "you are not a real parent, you have never had kids". The biological process of breeding makes no one special. The results of how they parent is the only thing that makes a parent special or not. In half a second flat (okay, maybe a bit more than half a second) of observing a kid's behavior, anyone can judge whether or not that kid's parents are crap or quality.

IMHO of course.

You love him now, but with

You love him now, but with the way he refuses to prioritize you or give you what you need, I cannot see that love lasting in the long term. It will turn to resentment, and a relationship with someone whose mantra is "my way or the highway" is usually not a positive one for the person whose needs are not being met. Why settle for such a relationship, especially since you say you fight all the time? Who needs that kind of stress and unhappiness? It's not going to get better if he hasn't shown any signs of willingness to change, either. I'd rather cut my losses and move on before I had too much time invested.

It is just really hard to

It is just really hard to imagine my life without them now. I'd go back to being a 26 year old, single, no kids. It was a big adjustment to make and now I feel like I can't imagine going back to it just being me. I also feel like I'll be alone forever.. I feel like nobody else would want to be with me. I want so badly to make this work I just don't know how... we've talked about going to couples therapy but its often brought up in a threatening way in the middle of an argument and it always scares me off But I've made it clear I would go if it would save our relationship... he just recently started getting help for some of his mental health problems he's been facing and I'm proud of him for that so hopefully it will get better thanks to that.. I'm also talking to a counsellor myself about some of my own issues... I just don't know what to do

26, single, no kids? Like

26, single, no kids? Like that's some kind of bad thing. You are a catch! If you found this one, you can find another one.

Or

You can find a better one! Seriously! Dump this man who treats you like an unimportant bed warmer and find someone who can manage more than one relationship at a time.

You want the man back you

You want the man back you fell in love with. You fell in love with him before you met the kids didn't you? You will never have that man back, the genie is out of the bottle.

Maybe you should go to

Maybe you should go to individual therapy to try to figure out why you think no one would want to be with you, and why your self esteem is such that you're willing to settle for the relationship you have. Change is scary, but it can be good. If you have a good reason to stay and work on the relationship (and your boyfriend is willing to change), then do so. If your reason to stay is that you're afraid to be alone or can't imagine a different life, then I think you should work on yourself instead of the relationship.

26, single and no kids sounds

26, single and no kids sounds fantastic! Find a guy who is also single with no kids and start your own family. You shouldn't have to hide away for 50% of your life because your BF has unrealistic expectations and is a lousy parent.

Sounds like fear is keeping you there more than love.

Speak to him.

I'd give it one last try. I think you have tried speaking to him about it before but by the sounds of it he gets defensive. Try to speak about it not as a this is our anniversary so get rid of kids or when the kids are there. I would simply say I'm not here for a 50% relationship when the kids aren't here I'm here for 100% and sometimes that will mean giving me attention while the children are here sometimes it will mean getting a babysitter like any other couple with children do. This isn't about his children this is about your relationship. If he isn't willing to give it 100% then walking away is pretty much your only option. What a horrible situation to be in x

Yes, you love him. However,

Yes, you love him. However, he does not love you. He does not put you first. You nor the relationship that he has with you are his priority. In true equity life partnership nothing is a priority over the partners and their relationship. Including children. Regardless of kid biology.

Kids are the top relationship responsibility but do not trump the relationship. If your SO is putting his kids before you, he is not THE one. No matter how much he gives you the tingles.

Love is not feelings. It is action. He is not taking the actions of love. And as much as you "love" him, you know that you are not his equity life partner or his priority.

My 2.5 year first marriage (to my adulterous whore of an XW) ended when I was 26. I grieved, I started dating immediately, and nearly 3.5 years later I met my incredible wife. We married nearly 4 years to the day after my divorce was final. We celebrated our 26th anniversary this past summer.

I get what you are feeling. However, 26 is nothing in terms of the rest of your life. Consider the logical progression of this dickhead and his subjugation of you in your own life. You know there is no reciprocal love or positive outcome in this shit show with this man.

No one will value you if you do not value yourself.

This manipulative non man, failed father, and useless partner not only does not prioritize you he uses threats of therapy (which is phenomenally confusing to me) because he knows it scares you. I would call his bluff, choose a strong therapist who has experience identifying and shredding morons with rampant cases of NPD, and bare his ass in therapy. You can destroy him and gain confidence to put he and his shallow and polluted failed family gene pool behind you so you can go on to live a happy life. Don't misinterpret my message. There are decent men out there who have XWs and kids but who will not tolerate their failed families to interfere in their lives or their quality relationships. Or... there are plenty of men out there who have no failed family baggage at all because they are not failed men.

The key is to value you and choose a true equity life partner that will be additive to you life. True quality partners add to a life together, they make each other the priority, and they do not do what this POS is doing to you.

Find the fortitude to value yourself.

He wont change

You will always be put on hold because of the skids. The pecking order is skids then you. Do you always want to feel like you are not valued, worthy, and are below the skids? If so, stay. You said you loved him and dont want to leave him. Ok then, accept the unacceptable. Your anniversary isnt all that important and the skids should be there. After all they are the priority in your relationship, at least that is what your DH thinks.

This may sound harsh, but take it from veterans of step hell, you will never have a peaceful mind or heart. I suggest tums, xanax, and any host of meds to stay with the man you love. You are 26 and accepting this fate? What does your family and friends say??

In all sincerity best of luck

If your relationship is on

If your relationship is on hold 50% of the time due to kids, then you only have half of a relationship. Why should you settle for this? Why would anyone settle for this? You can do so much better. Spend that other half of the time out looking for a man that will treat you right.

He's told you exactly what he

He's told you exactly what he expects from your relationship. You're the part-time girlfriend. His primary relationship is with his kids. And it's nonnegotiable.

Why is that ok with you? He's made it clear that he is not going to change his mind, and you will never come first to him.

Don't let fear of being alone stop you from finding a real partner.