Living apart but still together
I have been married 9 years to my husband and do not want to get a divorce, but our living situation has become too much for my 15 year old son and I am considering moving into a small condo down the road from our house with my son, while trying to maintain my marriage and realationship with my step sons. My husband is not happy but has done nothing to provide an alternate solution.
We have lived together for 10 years, since our boys were 5, 5 & 3. My ex husband died in 2017, his parents are also dead and any family is distant at best. My husband's ex abandoned their kids and no one has seen her in almost 11 years, his kids have no other family. My husband's parenst are dead and mine live far away. So basically we are on our own.
About 4 years ago we started having behavior issues with his youngest, now 13, leading up to currently seeing a psychiatrist, counselors inside and outside school and meds. His diagnosis are autism, adhd and anxiety, he is ok with school but at home he has explosive temper tantrums, screams and uses bad language, including cursing me out.
About 2 years ago we started having problems with his older son, now 15, massive depression, suicidal, etc. He is also seeing a psychiatrist, councelors, meds, etc., and is stable, but is rude, disrespectfull, and refuses pretty much anything he doesn't want to do. The two stepsons refuse to clean up after themselves, bathe more than once a week, wash their clothes or pretty much do anything other than play video games.
My son, 15, is fed up, he hates living here, he can't stand my husband's children and feels like my husband does nothing about the problems, and feels as though my husband picks on him constantly. Although I love them and have tried to help, I agree with my son's assessment and am frustrated also. My son has told me he is thinking about dropping out of school and "taking off", saying he'd rather couch surf at some friends house than live like this any longer. I cannot allow that to happen, but I also do not want to force my son to live in misery for the next few years until he goes off to college, so I have come up with this plan to move us down the road. I love my husband but I just don't see any other solution besides complete divorce. I have my own income and money and that would not really be a factor in this. I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this? Is this totally crazy?
No, it isn't crazy at all.
No, it isn't crazy at all. In fact, I think it's the best decision you can make in those circumstances -for your sons sake AND yours. It's doable, and if you are trying to save the marriage long term, this could be the only thing that saves it. Keep in mind with his sons problems, your son may launch at 18, but they will likely not-so even if you go back to living together after your son launches, if he comes to visit, etc, he's still subjected to them. Is he wanting to go to school/on campus or stay with you?
Listen, you live close by. You can still date, see each other and have a relationship. You need to choose your son here. He literally has nobody else, you're his only caretaker/family and he is suffering, and you aren't protecting him by staying.
I don't think you have any
I don't think you have any real choice but to live separately from your husband, whether you technically stay married or not. The current situation is not fair to your son, and your obligation and responsibility is to him. I suspect you will be happier living apart from the stepkids as well. Maybe it'll be the wakeup call your husband needs to get more intensive help and impose more consequences on his kids for their poor behavior.
I agree. You have to do what
I agree. You have to do what is best for your son.
In the event you need more
In the event you need more cheering of your plan...yes! Move out! Enjoy the time you have left with your son!
BUT, ALSO make damn sure your husband starts making some kind of launch plan for his kids. You shouldn't give up peaceful life while his kids flounder around at home being supported playing video games when they are 21, 25, 30....
Not what I would want to do... However....
You do what you have to do to navigate life. So... do it.
My DW and I are living apart while being together right now and are on a one weekend a month schedule of time together. We alternate. One month I go home and the next she comes to me. Our situation is not the potential 2.5 year model you have mapped, more like 4-6mos, less if I can convince her to put the onus on her firm to shit or get off of the pot as far as making her the PM for their software/paperless firm/remote work transition.
We have done the together apart thing a few times in our nearly 27 year marriage, never our favorite choice, but, ya do whatcha gotta do. We did 6mos in 2004, 9mos (with EWE to EOWE visits) in 2005, 6+mos in 2010, 4mos in 2011, 4mos in 2013, 4mos in 2015, and 6mos in 2017. We made it work.
If you and he can engage actively in communicating and diligently having your time together as it comes, it can work.
Good luck.
Welcome to the site!
Your solution sounds extremely sensible - I hope you find a suitable place soon and that you and your son can get some peace.
I agree you should follow
I agree you should follow through with your plan. It is important that you focus on your DS as it sounds like he needs you right now.
I am committed to if SKs ever come back that SO and I will also be living apart. I have learned that I don't like the person I become when they are around.
The constant stress wears me down and I become emotionally unavailable. I feel the same way that my focus is my son and raising him trying to be the best parent I can be and not neglecting him or his needs because SKs have bigger issues.
Your son is your first priority because he needs you to be his mother. There is no reason for you to feel guilty or question your decision.
AGREE!
I had a somewhat simliar situation years ago. SD was wreaking havoc in our home and our two sons were very young. I was concerned about their safety. My husband offered to move out with SD. I was devastated because I worked fulltime and the boys were 2 and 5. In the end, we found a residential program for her (she was into drugs and was violent) so he didn't have to move out, but it was coming to that. Enjoy your time with your son!!
Thank you!
Thank you all for your input, I feel so relieved to know this seems reasonable to other people! It's hard because I love my step sons and they have no mother in their life. I have given all I can to them but it's just not fair to my son. I will be down the road and can be there if they need me, but have the separation my son needs.
You're doing the right thing,
You're doing the right thing, taking care of your priorities. More power to you!
I think the only other
I think the only other alternative in a situation like this is for his kids to go to some sort of boarding school. If that isn't an option than you really don't have another choice.
Just keep in mind when you think you "can't afford it"- what is the cost of the boarding school? Rent, utilities- that cost adds up fast to live apart. Maybe you start with sending the worst one to the school to start and see if that doesn't have an effect on the other one.
I have posted this before but there is a boarding school called Cal Farley's in Texas. My IT person's daughter goes there. She said that it changed their lives. The daughter likes it there and her mom feels like she got her daughter back. She is there on a scholarship and only has to pay for travel when the daughter flys home for school breaks.
I live apart from my DH
I live apart from my DH because of his son , living seperately now for 16months. Its much better as i dont have to deal with the brats behaviour issues and neither does my son. It has created distance between me and DH only for the fact my son is 19 and lives his own life so i dont have young kids to worry about anymore , so i get to do what i want when i want, whereas DH has to look after his super needy 14yr old and has a busy schedule with that,, naturally it has caused us to be out of sync. I dont doubt that one day we will drift apart as our lives become more seperate as the time passes. It sounds like a good move for you and your son