Lost on how to handle from her3
Stepmom of 11 years here. Things used to be wonderful. Great co parenting. Lots of extra time given to my dh. I truly looked forward to all the days my 2 sds came over. Lots of great memories.
Bm and I got very close. Took a job together. Went downhill from there. Both sds even told me that they are not to be close to me anymore...eventually visits stopped. 16 year old stopped almost 3 years ago( made up false allegations of abuse-she admitted being wrong and was closed)...Anyway I had ours daughter and shes 2.5. The light of our lives. Younger one stopped visiting 8 months ago because we r "mean" to her sister. We demanded family counseling and they both refuse. I recently agreed to a lunch with sd16 a month ago. Went ok. I mostly focused on my dd. My dh is burnt. Hes always been the back burner dad. They have no respect for him but of course bm doesn't either. Bm and dh hasn't spoke in idk maybe 4 years. I know I tell myself its not my problem but now they both keep popping up randomly asking to see their sister. We still wsnt family counseling. Theres alot of anger and hurt and I honestly don't feel comfortable. And then what? Will they block my dd every time they are mad? I'm not exaggerating when I say they have blocked and unblocked us at least 15x. I feel bm has checked out but now she recently asked me to zoom and start over. Its confusing. Im hurt and actually sickened by it. I dont trust any of them but in the back of my mind I still care. Way more than my dh. He totally avoids...but when I say he's an amazing daddy to ours child that's an understatement. He says he finally gets to be a dad and he's amazing.
Idk if anyone can relate. It honestly makes me feel nauseous with all the past stress from my sds. I've checked out alot. But I also feel like I should forgive and move on but feel like we all need professional help-bm has recently told me sd16 is diagnosed w HF autism anxiety and adhd and sd14 diagnosed with bi polar. Apparnetl doesn't ever leave
The house and homeschooled. Says shes lucky if she showers once a week. I find it very sad. Ugh im nauseous even writing this.
My dh and I have a very happy homelife. Nice home good jobs very very happy healthy little girl. What I always wanted. I selfishly am afraid to interrupt it but feel some type of obligation to try. Even though they arnt my kids. I know I didnt screw them up and its not my responsibility but idk they are now trying to reach out. Idk how to handle.
Who exactly is reaching out
Who exactly is reaching out and what do they expect you to do?
If it's the SDs, counseling/therapy is obligatory FIRST and is not negotiable.
If it's the BM, she made her bed when she PASed her daughters, let her deal with it. If she wants hell, tell her to call your DH, you know, the girls' other parent.
These are not your kids and you didn't cause the situation. Not your responsibility, not your problem.
PAS doesn't cause ADHD,
PAS doesn't cause ADHD, autism and bipolar. I don't see it as the effects of PAS. The custodial parent clearly had no help from the non custodial parent and she was left to raise these.kids whilst he was the hands off 'fun' dad/uncle. How can you force someone to be a parent if they're checked out and only want to parent when things are plain sailing ?
Now seems the husband wants to be a father, but only to the happy toddler with no mental health issues, because its much easier. He expects his wife to continue dealing with his other kids and his ex, as she's always done. I agree that he should be the one dealing with this and that OP should always refer the skids and the ex-wife to her husband. All the drama is referred to him. I would stop picking up his slack for good. These are his issues to deal with but he has never dealt with them, always left it up to his ex and the OP, and that's the cause of all of this, not PAS.
Sounds like you were manipulated
Sounds like you were manipulated by the BM from the start, so she could control you. When you got too close, she wanted you out of the picture so she sabotaged your relationship with the skids. I have a SD teen who is HF autistic and one who is bipolar also. Their mental illness makes them very vulnerable to manipulation by the BM. The BM to my skids tried to get close to me at the beginning, and had her family approach me too. I was polite but distant, as DH warned me about them. After a few months it became clear that when their plan didn't work, they got really nasty and alienated the skids from me. BM didnt' like that they were buying me mother's day gifts on their own.
You don't owe the skids anything, or the BM. Focus on your lovely new family and don't let the toxicity of his old family pollute your life. Its ok to be happy and go on with your life. They have made their choices and now they have to live with those choices.
What I see happening is this:
What I see happening is this:
You blame BM and skids for this situation.
The skids seem to blame you for this situation
The in-laws also seem to blame you for this situation
Meanwhile, your husband ‘avoids’. They are his ex, his kids and his family, but strangely, he’s the least one affected by all the drama. You and his ex were the ones doing the co-parenting, instead of him and his ex.. *He* should be the one dealing with the skids and their problems, with BM’s pleas for help and with the in-laws’ angry texts.
That’s why my opinion is that you need to change your approach and make your husband deal with the drama, because it’s his drama.
If the BM reaches out, tell her to talk to your husband.
If the skids reach out, tell them to talk to your husband.
If the angry in-laws reach out, tell them to talk to your husband.
If your husband asks you to go with him to meet skids, refuse.
If your husband asks you what to do re skids, tell him it’s completely up to him.
Don’t communicate with BM, skids and in-laws anymore. Refer them all to your husband. Put it all on your husband’s shoulders, where it belongs. Until you do this, you’ll never be free from all this stress imo.
^^^Spot On^^^ Describes my DH perfectly.
I was in a similar situation after years of over functioning for my DH. When I disengaged, he was not happy because he had to deal with his kids and his FOO aall by himself. I knew he wasn't likely going to step up, but I also knew it was the best hope for getting our dynamic back in balance. All his female relatives wanted a piece of him, and imagined me to be the gatekeeper preventing that. I stepped aside and gave them what they claimed to want - an authentic relationship with their dad/brother. Not my fault they'd all forgotten how limited and superficial those relationships were before I came along.
You need to stay out of things so your DH either steps up, or it becomes clear to everyone that you are no longer a player and they place blame where it truly belongs.