Loving someone who is not your own
I am curious. I'm a mother of three children whom I love dearly. Their biological father was brutally murdered in 2005. I remarried, but the man ended up being violent and I left. I've since been in a relationship that I am very happy in, for the last 3 years. We are not married.
I want to know if you can love a child, that is not yours. If not, truly deep down, how do you expect them to not recognize that lack of love, and do anything you say, or want to be around you.
I'm just curious.... because I know he doesn't love them. He has never had kids of his own, but he wants the best for them, and at 15 he wants to take computer time away from my son who is in 9th grade, enrolled in college and high school (yes college), he doesn't do drugs, doesn't date or drive, just hangs around his older 20 year old brother (a high functioning asperger's boy who's 20). The only problem we have with the 15 year old is he doesn't want to do chores, other than that he goes to school, gets A's in accelerated classes, is respectful, doesn't ask for money... but loves to play video games.
Please help
I don't know what to do, I am not a step parent.
Thank you for your reply....
Thank you for your reply.... they really don't need a babysitter... I just wish I guess, like you, that they could find it in their heart to love another person's child. So be it, I guess. And you are right, they don't go away after they turn 18. The death of a parent is so sad when the relationship was a good one before the death. They truly never will have a father again.
I do love my bf, and things will work out. I just don't want him disciplining them by taking the internet away. I'll just put my foot down, and the 15 year old just better pick up his chore habit or I'll cut off his allowance.
Good luck and thank you for your reply.
As a step-parent, I don't
As a step-parent, I don't think it's possible to love a non-biological kid as much as you would love your bio kid. But, that doesn't have to be tragic. It's not an all-or-nothing thing.
In our house, there's lots of love to go around. Yes, SS9 has a deeper love for BD, and looks to his opinions and values for guidance, but he also has a very deep love and respect for me. We've all accepted that the love is there but that it doesn't have to be equal and let everything just be how it is.
It works for us to have BD handle all the disciplining, as it does for many blended families. Letting the biological mom/dad still handle the majority of the stuff for the kid allows you to build a meaningful relationships and keeps everyone resentment free.
Yes, you can truly love kids
Yes, you can truly love kids that aren't yours. I think of my step-daughter as mine and would do anything for her. Her mom isn't in the picture very often and I have her the majority of the time because my husband works 2nd shift. I buy her clothes, I help her with her homework, I listen when she has problems at school and with her mother, I spend time with her and play games with her and tell her how awesome she is....because she is. I think it is possible to love a child that isn't yours, but it doesn't happen overnight and you can't try and force it.
If your BF didn't give a crap
If your BF didn't give a crap about your son, he wouldn't worry about disciplining him! Doing chores is very important and if your son doesn't or won't do them, I think taking his computer away for a while is an appropriate punishment.
I agree. Your son's 'unit of
I agree. Your son's 'unit of currency' is his computer access and video games. This is the only way you will get his attention. So why would you allow him to have access to his games when he is not doing his chores? So he doesn't do drugs and drink. He should NOT be doing these things because they are ILLEGAL at his age. So he doesn't date. He is 15 and should not be dating. So because he DOESN'T get into trouble he should be rewarded with computer access when he doesn't follow through on his chores? So who is picking up his chores right now?
If your BF is living with you all you are not giving him equal parenting status. You want him to contribute and be your partner yet....he is unable to offer a disciplinary action? He isn't asking for the boy to ditch a 10 mile ditch. He isn't expecting the boy to do the dishes by hand for a year. He is suggesting you take away his internet access until his gets his crap together and does his chores.
You are not a man but you seem to be in protection mode with your son. And being very bright and smart does not give him a pass on helping out around the house. Docking his allowance probably will not have the same effect as stopping his online access NOW. So allow your BF to co-parent your son.
See, your son needs a male role model and when you undermine your BF you are allowing your son to be in a higher status than your BF. No, your BF may not love your son but then maybe they get to have a healthy respect for each other and BF is the one adult he can turn to. Like a mentor.
Check out the other posts here. Right now one poster has left her relationship because her BF allowed his daughter to call the shots and she was constantly in 2nd place to his daughter (aged 10). She will not be the first or the last. You introduced the man into your world with your children. He cannot be JUST your Sig. Other as long as you have your children around. He has to have equal adult status. If you do not allow him this status how can you expect him to grow and possibly love your children? Wuld you love another woman's child if you are living with the father and not allowed to be an equal adult? I wouldn't.
I agree. I went through a
I agree. I went through a similar phase and my step-daughter had no respect for me until my husband let me pick the punnishment.
The thing is, part of loving
The thing is, part of loving a child is teaching and discipline. I've seen a person talk about "spare the rod, spoil the child".... what the scriptures actually say is, "He who spares the rod hates his child.".....
You can't love a child like your own if you aren't able to discipline that child. And not providing discipline to a child is a form of hate. I didn't make it up, but I do believe it.
I'm a teacher. I once had an administrator who said in a grade level meeting, "You need to love these kids like you love your own." Because I already knew I was moving that summer, I went ahead and told him out loud that he was asking us to do something impossible. He asked what I meant and I said- "I love my kids so much that when they act up, I discipline them. If my own son in middle school ever said "f*** you" to a teacher, I would love him enough to beat his butt and ground him. I'm not allowed to love my students that much." (A boy in my class had done that earlier in the week, and gotten no consequence at school or home.)
The same thing applies for step-parenting. The level of love you are able to give is influenced by the other adults in the child's life allowing you the authority and trust to love them.
Hi bbeach. I'm so glad you
Hi bbeach. I'm so glad you found a happy relationship and that the boys are flourishing now. This is wonderful to hear as another parent of an aspie. My elder son is an aspie so I know so well how particularly hard it was for you to manage the family history and get them through the formative years as a single parent. I am just thrilled to hear how it has come out. And thrilled you can finally get a bit of me time as that too is very hard to come by not only with what has happened but with the condition your older son has. Aspergers makes not just the aspie but all the children in the family, particularly needy of care. I agree with the other posters that your SO sounds like he is trying to take a normal loving role but I also think the computer has a special meaning and use in families where there are special children, often too to the neurotypical sibling. So I think it's worth talking this through with the BF and finding a way he can exercise mild disciplinary role if you both agree that's right (and it's certainly part of parenting, without which his relationship with your son will not grow), without intruding on any area, such as this, that has a specific calming effect on the boys. Talk through it, talk through the effect on your younger son and how that affects the older son, and finally once again I guess you may not have mentioned all the evidence, but I agree with the other posters that trying to discipline is not at all inconsistent with trying to love parentally.
I'm struggling with the same
I'm struggling with the same problem with my SS(11) who lives with us fulltime. His BM is in another country and he's having a lot of problem dealing with that.
I feel like I have to be a surrogate mom but I don't love him like I do my kids. My kids need me (they're 9mos and 3) and my SS ignores me and doesn't appreciate anything I do for him. Much more of this and I'm going to find myself hating and resenting him. I don't like what he's done to turn my family upside down and create such tension in my home.
But I worry that part of the reason SS is acting like this is that he knows how I feel about him. My DH is a very hands-off parent and isn't from a family that shows a lot of affection. He doesn't hug and kiss his son. My DH feels like providing emotional support is my job, but I can't stand being around SS. I've tried hugging SS but it's awkward and he jerks away. He sees me around my kids who I love to death and I can't even fake it to try to be the same to him. I really worry how messed up my SS is going to end up.
Thank you all so very much
Thank you all so very much for your comments, I've taken them to heart. I have another son I didn't mention, one that is in prision right now and he is 19. He butted heads with my bf from day one. My bf tried to get him to listen to his mother, and it seemed my son was always getting yelled at, I was even tired from the two of them always pushing at each other. My son left home, got on drugs and now is a felon. This is what I am trying to avoid with my 15 year old. He is not like that, he is behaving very well, just not contributing. I know he needs to learn how, my bf says he will be a terrible mate if he doesn't start helping. I'll talk with them both.... Thanks again, you have all been a great help!