Medical procedure during BM visition time

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My SO has full physical custody of his kids. The oldest teenager requires her wisdom teeth to come out. They visit their mom in Summer and Christmas time out of state from us. This is their original home town and SO has lots of connections back there. One is a dentist/oral surgeon who can perform the procedure for very little cost. Where we live, it will cost too much for him to afford since their mom does not pay anything financially to help support their kids (long story for another time). SO wants their mom to take her for the procedure with friend when the kids visit her for 2 weeks over Christmas break. SO is concerned she will give him push back and not do it as it his "her time" with the kids. I undertand it will cut into their fun time and why she would not be thrilled about that. But this is HER child that requires this medical care, SO has no other way to pay for it, and BM won't contribute. Is there anything he can do to convince her not to refuse or take recourse if she refuses? From what I have read, refusal to provide required medical care considered neglect in our state (although this is obviously not a critical situation yet).

Sorry, I guess I'm a little

Sorry, I guess I'm a little slow-LOL...not sure what you mean by "sometimes ya gotta play into what they will get out of it, ya know?"

It's not just that it's cheaper. It's that SO does not have the money required for it due to high cost in our area. BM will not help pay at all. Without BM taking SD for the procedure, SO has no way to afford it otherise (supports 3 kids with no help from BM)

I don't understand how a BM gets away with paying nothing for her kids while the Father is forced to do it all for the safety and well being of the child.

LOL--plus BM would love all

LOL--plus BM would love all the attention!!!

Yup.

You sing that again!

SO definately doesn't want to

SO definately doesn't want to wait unit significant harm occurs (delaying the procedure will cause that). It is a 15 hour drive one way to their home town. If they don't do during Christmas break, they he has to take several days off of work for another trip and pull daughter out of school to make a separate trip. It only makes sense to due it during SDs break when they already have to be driving out of state for the visitation as well.

BM can refuse to let friend

BM can refuse to let friend take her and now allow the appointment to happen on her time.

Rather than count of BM to do

Rather than count of BM to do the right thing I would advice for your DH and the wisdom tooth Skid go to the former home town a few days early, have the procedure, then the Skid go to BM for her time. That way the procedure gets done in a quality and cost effective manner and ..... BM gets to nurse maid recovery. Merry Christmas BM! }:)

This takes it entirely our of BM's hands and she can't proactively push back or fail to take the kid for the procedure. All she can do is bitch and moan and who gives a shit about that? I wouldn't.

Thank you for that

Thank you for that suggestion. However, that would mean pulling all three kids out of school early before the Christmas Break begins (since all 3 go for visitation together of course) and I don't know if that's possible. SO drives them down the day after school ends. Plus BM has to agree to take the kids earlier which means she has to change her driving plans to meet at the pick up spot. I guess it's just so tough since it's a complicated situation.

Yes we do! I will suggest

Yes we do! I will suggest that as an option as well to SO. Thank you!

Thank you, I think that is

Thank you, I think that is worth a shot. I told him before he needs to have the kids do more of the asking with mom. Instead of BM saying NO to him, let her tell her kids NO herself-LOL. Hopefully her daughter asking will appeal to her more motherly side.

It wasn't about the kids

It wasn't about the kids asking mom to be financially responsible. The kids ask Dad for stuff ALL THE TIME. Money, doctor visits, etc...you name the need, they ask for it and he provides. It was about for once asking their mom for something. Dad is always taking time off of work, nursing sick kids, getting them medicine, buying clothes and school supplies. They always ask Dad. For once, it wouldn't hurt one of the children to ask mom to take them to the doctor for ONE thing they need while they are with her. If it's OK for them to ask their Dad on a regular basis for something, it's certainly OK for them to ask their Mom for the same type of things ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

So only dad should have to

So only dad should have to take care of medical procedures on HIS time? He takes care of kids and all their medical needs all year long and NEVER gets a break. He NEVER asks the BM to take responsibility. This is only ONE time he is EVER asking for their daughter's sake and a necessity for THEIR daughter. So BM should not do what is in the best interest of her own daughter's health for just ONCE?!?!? BM should not have to take ANY responsibility for an important medical procedure for her OWN daughter?

He is NOT going to schedule

He is NOT going to schedule on her time without her agreement and is not asking her for money because she refuses to financially support her kids (he carries all insurance). He is asking her to step up as the childs mother to take care of her ONE time in all these years since he does everything else ON HIS OWN. BM doesn't pay for one damn thing for her own kids (she just wants to be their best friend-LOL) She loves her kids but she doesn't want to do sh*t to be responsible for them financially. BM won't help pay for the procdure and he cannot afford it on his own. He is trying to find a solution that is best for his daughter's health that he CAN AFFORD. I got on here to ask for suggestions in trying to help convince a lazy mom to actually take care of her own child for one lousy time since it is always a struggle for him to get her to cooperate and he wants very badly to get his daughter the procedure she needs before major problems set in.

Dental insurance often does

Dental insurance often does not cover much more than preventative care. Or it has high deductibles that need to be met first. Years ago I paid thousands for root canals and crowns, even with dental insurance.

Yes, with medical I have a

Yes, with medical I have a maximum annual out of pocket. With dental I have a maximum benefit, so after that everything is 100% out of pocket.

My bottom 2 were impacted,

My bottom 2 were impacted, had no effect. The medical insurance confirmed this was dental. I think everyones plan is probably different.

Oh dear lord that is such

Oh dear lord that is such BS....it's not about ruining anybody's time with their kid. it's about getting a child's medical needs met in the only way the dad can afford it. Taking care of your child when they need you is not ruining your time with them. It's called parenting.

Our dental insurance sucks.

Our dental insurance sucks. Not everyone has a great plan. Sounds to me like the dad is doing the right thing. Figuring out his budget as the sole provider of the three children and finding a solution to get his child medical help that she needs.

The BM should NOT be off the hook. Nope, no way, no how. She is a parent, not a party planner.

My medical insurance would

My medical insurance would not cover this. They considerate it dental. It's amazing how expensive it is to just try to stay healthy. Braces for SD cost us over $4000 with dental insurance. And for her it was a medical necessity, not a cosmetic.

The DH should try to get the BM to do the right thing. Write her an email and work on a plan that works. The daughters only going to be in pain for a couple of days if the procedure goes well.

A mother taking care of her

A mother taking care of her own sick child is not being a nursemaid, it's called parenting. If that's the case, their dad is nurse maid on and off all year long on HIS parenting time. I never heard of a mother taking care of her child once in 5 years being called a nursemaid. yeah, he got screwed in court, long story I won't get into. He cannot hold her accountable unless he pulls money out of his ass to take her back to court (money he needs to take care of the kids right now). Meanwhile she gets to be a deadbeat mom while SO struggles. To get money from her, he needs to come up with more money himself to pay lawyers-LOL

Mustang.......we get zero

Mustang.......we get zero help with ANY medical from BM. (Piss ant loser of a BM)

Let's get these deadbeats

Let's get these deadbeats together and make them support each other and leave us out of the equation.

The problem here is that you

The problem here is that you are expecting a BM who is not involved in any capacity of taking care of her children to have a medical procedure done in which she will care for her properly afterwards. You can't take an uninvolved mom and make her Mother of the Year all of a sudden just because it will save a few dollars.

Does dad have health insurance? I know ours covered wisdom teeth. What is the difference in money between the two states? The best solution I've heard is for dad to take the kids early and have it done before bm's time. Does he not have any friends/family they can all stay with before bm's time starts? And the school doesn't get to control when anybody takes off. I know they like to pretend they do, but they have no say in it when you're talking about 3 days.

As I said I understand why

As I said I understand why she would not be happy about it. But it is the only solution the father has to get THEIR daughter proper care due to distance, school, time off of work and money and he needs the mother for ONCE in her life to help support their daughter's care.

I don't feel asking a mom to help out ONE time to take care of her own child in the past several years is expecting too much. It's just ONE time in the last 5 years for goodness sake (he does literally EVERYTHING ELSE). I do think expecting a father to do EVERYTHING and pay for EVERYTHING while BM sits on her ass doing nothing is expecting too much of him. and lawyers cost a lot of money and time always driving back to her state to go to court. Just not feasible and he cannot afford all those legal fees. It is a tough situation and he would love it if just ONE time their BM would cooperate for the childs sake. That is a reasonable ONE TIME request.

^^This^^ Before I came here,

^^This^^ Before I came here, I used to turn myself inside out about these things. Then I would assume reposnsibility and financially assist. It got me no where. It was hard and painful lesson. I talk, purge and move on. I no longer let it eat me up with worry. This is not your fight. Your H and his ex need to handle this, not you. Try take this in, it takes time and is a hard lesson. I don't think I would be married today had I not listened and learnt. I'm still learning.

Poison your parenting time?

Poison your parenting time? Seriously? This isn't elective plastic surgery, this is medically necessary and this woman is a parent too! Sorry that all visitation doesn't just get to be all fun and games, oh boo freaking hoo, Mommy doesn't just get to be Disney mom for two weeks! Wah! Give me a break! She made those kids too and if she was any kind of a decent mother, she would want what is best for their health, not just be concerned about her "fun time" being cut into. If she gets the kids on the long school breaks, and it's not in the kid's best interest to miss school for this, then what other option is there? We also don't know the circumstances of why she lives so far away and only gets limited visitation. This may be her own doing, but she's supposed to be catered to and only get to do the fun shit with the kids, while the burden of actual parenting falls on Dad 100%? Bullshit.

This isn't about court or

This isn't about court or what a judge would say, it's about being a mom and doing what's in the best interest of the child this woman helped bring into the world. Being a parent isn't about having fun 100% of the time. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in order to do what's best for our kids. But go ahead and keep defending this woman being a piece of shit mom. It's just stunning, I tell you.

I sincerely hope there is never a medical emergency during this woman's "fun time." GOD FORBID her playtime be interrupted by having to go to the ER and actually PARENT her kids.

^^^^^^^^YES!!!!!!!! Can't you

^^^^^^^^YES!!!!!!!!

Can't you just see it, the BM calls the dad, "Our daughter smashed her head and I don't want to deal with that because that's not fun. can you drive down here and take her to the hospital. she's in the bathtub waiting for you because I don't get blood all over the house."

That would qualify as an

That would qualify as an emergency that needs to be taken care of right away. Wisdom teeth are not an emergency unless there is an infection or abcess, otherwise it can be taken care of any time.

Yes I agree. But it's being

Yes I agree. But it's being argued medical procedures shouldn't be scheduled during a BM's visitation. And I for one think that's a load of crap when this is the best way for the dad to be able to afford helping his child out. BM should be just as accountable and be more than willing to help her kid out.

In this case, I think he

In this case, I think he should at least try. Lazy ass BM should help her own flesh and blood.

Ok great so how about they

Ok great so how about they all wait until it does turn into something like that instead of being proactive and taking care of it before that can happen? So Disney mom only needs to care about her kids' health if it's dire? Come on now.

Thats the point, if the CP

Thats the point, if the CP who has the kids 50 weeks of the year isn't being proactive, why should the NCP? This whole discussion is pointless until BM actually says no. Personally I think this should be done where BM lives during spring break. That way BM gets more time and no one misses school.

Exactly, Ladyface!

Ummm...no. Love how people

Ummm...no. Love how people make up their own stories-LOL. Kids chose to live with Dad on their own. When he was married to her, Mom pretended that she and family would follow husband to new state for his new job once he settled in (mom did not work then). Once he got to new job, she served him with divorce papers. Giving him no choice but to be separated from his kids and separate kids from their dad. No jobs were available in his old home town. Quite the schemer she was. She wanted to just have her kids and have him support all of them so she would not have to ever go back to work and have their Dad far away from them. Kids decided to move in with Dad before I even met him.

DH and I have crap dental

DH and I have crap dental insurance, the cap is 1000 per year so anything above that is out of pocket. I had mine taken out (very late I know) so I had to pay 1500 out of pocket. The university charged 700 but I am very glad I chose the actual dentist office. My recovery time was 2 days, whereas my neighbors daughter who went to the dental school to save money and had a bad experience during with pain management and a long recovery time due to complications.

Also "recovery time" just

Also "recovery time" just means the time you are hurting and on painkillers, the time you have to be careful and on restricted foods, mouthwash, etc is longer of course which is why it is probably not reasonable to ask BM.

True but I would say your

True but I would say your chances of nothing going wrong (knicking a nerve, etc) are better going to a Dr who has done 3000 extractions than a student who has done 15.

If I had my child for 2 weeks

If I had my child for 2 weeks over the holiday and my ex wanted us to spend those few, precious days in oral surgery and recovery? I'd laugh. Seriously. You are expecting too much here.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
But you would not be a POS bio mom who only sees kids a few times a year and does not support them. That is comparing apples to oranges.

OP...Have DH tell BM that SD needs her teeth out during her time with the kid. Then ask if she can take her and if she can, would she want to take her at the beginning of the visitation so she can help SD for 2 weeks or at the end of visitation and then send SD home to recuperate.

All BM will do is say yes or no. Nothing you do can change that. Your DH does need to get CS asap!!

EXactly. This is about the

EXactly. This is about the kid and what she needs. Obviously the OP's BM cares more about sticking it to her ex than taking proper care of her own children. And sadly, some others here agree.

Perhaps this is me panicking

Perhaps this is me panicking because I am CP and may have to flip custody shortly to exH out of state, but if I had only summers and holidays with my bios I would not want to give up my time with them by having medical procedures done. I have never asked this of exH because I want the kids to have quality time with their dad and not have the trip be consumed with caring for one of them. Getting them 80% of the time is great and if that time suddenly got cut short I would want to make the most of it. Just my 2 cents.

And sometimes, as a parent,

And sometimes, as a parent, you have to do what's best for them, even if it's not best for you or convenient for you. Being a parent isn't just about fun, it's a responsibility. How many times have we seen a NCP get shit from the folks here for not taking visitation when kids are sick? Your kids are your responsibility when they are healthy and sick. And this is just one visitation for crying out loud. It's not like the OP's DH asks this all the time. The BM will get other visits, this is not the only one! And I think the SD is making a bigger sacrifice than the BM in this situation.

I didn't say she was sick. I

I didn't say she was sick. I was using that as an example of how NCPs have gotten fried around here for not wanting to take care of their own children in less than ideal situations. This is a less than ideal situation, but not the end of the world, and the woman is still the bio mom and should own a little bit of responsibility toward her kid's well being.

And I have clearly stated

And I have clearly stated that being a parent is not always about what the parent WANTS.

By your logic, only if she WANTS to pay child support she should? Only if she WANTS to feed her kids, she should? Only if she WANTS to clothe them, she should? She obviously WANTED children, and this is what she signed up for by CHOOSING to have kids. I'm pretty sure no one held a gun to her head while impregnating her.

I believe this is 1 out of

I believe this is 1 out of her 2 visits each year. The dad here gets 50 weeks a year and BM gets 2. I think the dad is just being cheap. Yes, BM should contribute but it was dad who got himself into this mess by not fighting for CS. Worst case scenario with no insurance and a dental student the cost is $700. If they really have no money, open up a credit card with zero interest for 15 months and pay $47 per month.

So as you say, the dad should do what is best for his kid even if that means paying $700 on a payment plan.

The OP never stated how many

The OP never stated how many weeks the BM gets in the summer. For all we know it is the entire summer, or it is 2 weeks or 6 weeks. It has only been stated that she gets 2 weeks at Christmas.

Maybe the OP's DH does not qualify for credit. It's not as easy as asking to make payments, many times it is a credit line where good credit is a must. We don't know the situation with that, but to assume he can just run out and get a payment plan is not necessarily correct.

We also don't know why the BM pays no CS or medical support. Again it has just been assumed that the DH did not fight for it. Maybe BM doesn't work or works under the table or just flat out refuses to pay, what is dad supposed to do? We all know in some states contempt filings mean nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

Dad is trying to pay for this -all alone - in the best way he can afford. But apparently he's just supposed to suck it up and bankrupt himself because this piece of shit mom won't support her own kids. And somehow he's the bad guy for trying to figure out the best solution, which GOD FORBID requires his ex to actually be a MOTHER and not just a fucking bestie to her kids.

I get your frustrations. I

I get your frustrations. I agree, both parents should be held responsible for the health and well-being of their children. This whole thing that BM gets to have a stress-free, happy holiday instead of helping her child with her health is a bunch of crap. I to have a BM in my life that doesn't contribute anything financially and just wants to be a best friend to her child. It's sickening to be a part of day in and day out. Some days it gets under my skin some days I don't care.

I would have your DH write an email stating that the only way you can afford to pay for this is for her to do it in her hometown with a trusted dentist. Tell her sorry it will impact your Christmas but it's a medical necessity. I also like the idea of you guys going down a few days early having it done then giving the daughter to the mom with her fully aware of what's going on. To pull kids out of school a couple days early is really no big deal.

So sorry you're having to go through this. Caring more about the kids health than the own mom can just sometimes make you sick. Shitty women get away with a lot.

Isn't a child old enough to

Isn't a child old enough to have wisdom teeth old enough to voice to her mother that she wants them out now? I got my first wisdom tooth very early - years before anybody else and I was 16. I've never heard of a young child having wisdom teeth.

A competent oral surgeon usually does not cause days of problems. My first one I had out (at 40+ so it had been there a long time) I flew across country the next day for a business trip. The second one at 60+ had 4 roots with barbs (very, very difficult to remove) I kept ice on it for a day or so and never had pain or swelling.

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Medical procedure during BM visition time