More advice please
I previously posted about SD19 who after 5 years of parental Alienation is now in contact with DH. She has never been part of my life and all I have witnessed is the occasional abuse she sent DH in this period.
Anyway she's back in touch, very polite etc and does seem reasonable now. Not laying down "terms and conditions " of seeing her dad like previous. So we met her and she was nice enough. Came around the following week for dinner on a day of her choice and time although inconvenient to myself as I work from home. Anyway all ok. She mentioned on that visit about coming around the following week and we suggested a set day as we both have busy schedules ourselves. Loose arrangements were made but when DH texted he got no response. A few days later he had the message sorry she had been busy etc so we invited her for Sunday lunch . She said she couldn't but thanks etc but she was working so DH replied no problem . Do you want to come down in week . No response. In meantime SS22 asked DH to a footie match on the tue he accepted . Then SD messages back three days later saying yes she will come what day ?
i feel a bit annoyed as Mon -Thur DH and I work really hard and are often left shattered but we do try and get an early night on one of those nights as we are up at 6am and also a date night like a meal or cinema . My point is had she texted back within 24 hours he would not have agreed the footie with SS and they could have both come together one evening . Instead of one one night and the other the following night. Should I just suck it up or put my foot down.
SD often takes days to respond to DH but clearly sees the message. I suspect if she's anything like her mum it's a control thing. When she does respond however , it appears friendly with kisses etc. This is all new to me but doesn't feel right. I said to DH to decide and I will support whatever but he is hesitant and I suspect it is because he also feels anxious when she doesn't text back and fears he may never see her again ( what's happened previously) but also he is aware of our own life and routine . Opinions please
Yes, this is normal for
Yes, this is normal for alienated kids. My SS20 has been back in our lives for 1.5 years and he still sometimes doesn't respond right away. We used to worry he was disappearing again, but not anymore. DH has even had tough conversations with him, and he still stays in our lives.
Honestly, I would let it go and let him manage his relationship with his kid the way he wants. I'm not clear what the problem is - you had plans on the day he said he'd see SD?
No he hasn't actually
No he hasn't actually responded to her yet. The problem is he had already made arrangements with SS ( her brother ) on the one day and now she wants to come the following day . DH and I are very busy although always have tried to go out together one evening a week and have an early is night the other as we are both up so early for work. So wasn't sure how to play this. Just inconvenience ourselves or say no as it took her three days to respond to him and in the meantime he made other arrangements ?
Honestly, I think that's up
Honestly, I think that's up to him to decide.
I agree it's rude, but I also know
it's pretty standard for a lot of kids 16-20yo. DS got a lot better after he left for college. YSS still in HS and OSS even though he left for college, too, are still both terrible about returning messages/texts/calls. And all three have complained about their friends being bad about responding (kettle and pot situations).
Once they are gone,
Once they are gone, communication seems to be on their terms almost entirely. SS-27 is far from alienated from his mom and I, the rest of my family and my IL clan. The three of us are very close and he adores my parents.
However, getting hold of him is intermittent at best. He has his life and he lives it. He does engage cyclically but far from regularly.
He will take spells. He will call a couple of times per month for a month or two, then we may go 3+ months without speaking to him. We call him regularly regardless but whether or not he answers is a crap shoot.
We have learned to not badger him about it though we do tease him about having broken dialing fingers when it has been too long.
Yes . Kids can be bad at
Yes . Kids can be bad at contact I agree but this is from a SD who hasn't seen her dad for five years and they are supposed to be " working " on a relationship. Furthermore when she does respond it's not about coming to visit or spending time with him / us it's about going out for meals etc. I think she expects different treatment from my BDs or her Own BB my SS.