My DH tells me ALL husbands are like this.....is this true?
Background in a nutshell: I have a 14 month old son, an !! yr old SS along with two large furry kids, my dogs. I literally take care of everyone's needs....including me that makes four human beings and two dogs that I feed, clean, keep them healthy and happy and keep their schedules organized etc etc.
My husband goes to work (not a 9-5 job as his schedule is a 24\7 job working in aviation) comes home to eat, relax and go to bed. (Not to mention waits to be serviced before he falls asleep) He pays no attention to birthdays, things that need to be fixed around the house, disciplining and working with the responsibilities of SS, the bills, finding us a mortgage and home, planning nights out, finding a sitter, and the list goes on and on. All he care about is work. If he feels like pitching in I get a baby that his diaper is changed but the dirty diaper sits and the child does not get dressed. He crawls around with no pants! DH does not get up with the child ever in the middle of the night. I am responsible for everything! He never takes the dogs out or feeds them, ever. When his SS is here I pickup/drop off, help with homework, give him meds, make sure he does his chores. I plan vacations and DH never wants to go along. Years of marriage and the only vacation we took was for a weekend out of town and he complained the entire time. He comes home eats and leaves a big mess for me to clean up and his SS does the same! I am so tired and worn out I have NO time for myself. No family here and my MIL sits for a few hours a month, maybe that. My DH tells me we are going to renew our vows and have a small wedding that he promised me 6 yrs ago, never happened. He never follows through with what he says he is going to do. And when I get fed up he takes SS and creates a divide...."Well me and my son will be off playing basketball." And if food is not prepared for him when he gets home then all hell breaks loose. He has never ever cooked a meal for me, ever.
I feel tied down because I want to go back to school to finish my education to get a job and work. I am not a wife to sit home! I want a life too. But DH tells me ALL husbands are like this and if I ask other stay at home moms it will be the same. Is this true? Are all men like this? I don't have anyone to compare a marriage or a man that treats a women right to. My dad is deceased since I was 3mos old and I don't want to ask my family for advice. It is best to keep them out of it. So ladies, help please! If I plan to get a divorce will I just be seeing the "grass is greener on the other side?"
WTF!!! If my bf was like that
WTF!!! If my bf was like that he'd wake up dead, this man is totally disrespectful to you, he also sounds like a lazy asshole, this has happened because you have a kind heart, your life would be so much better if you were single, let alone if you met someone who treated you properly, a relationship must be founded on respect, for each others feelings, chores and supporting each other in what we want for ourselves, such as you wanting to go back to school, was he always this bad? I think you need to lay the law down, if he is unwilling to try harder then dump the asshole, you could do so much better than him, strong words I know, but I can't believe how badly he treats you.
Um. Wow. Okay, to be fair, to
Um. Wow.
Okay, to be fair, to some extent, all husbands have a fantasy idea of having a wife that basically makes the home a beautiful and relaxing and pleasurable environment for them, who waits on them hand and feet and never demands anything back, and to do it with a smile while they do whatever they feel like doing.
However, that is ALL it is. A fantasy. It doesn't, obviously, work in real life unless you have more money than you can toss out.
So yes and no. Husbands, GOOD ONES, will be able to differentiate their idealistic fantasy from what is actually necessary to maintain a happy marriage. They will get away with whatever you let them get away with and will do the minimum amount you allow them to do. So what this means if that if your minimum amount is already low, then if they get lazy and do less, you'll basically have nothing. If your minimum amount is high, them being lazy once in a while is okay as long as it doesn't become a habit.
I had, by the way, just had an argument with the mister on my end for almost the exact same thing: feeling like the accessory that just makes his life easier, but get nothing back. I stood up for myself and we resolved the issue, which is the foundation of a strong relationship--being able to speak your mind and then coming to a conclusion/resolution together.
I will say that even though I cook for him, not a meal goes by that he does not thank me for it and he does not take it for granted that I do make meals.
So not all men are like that. I would be a nun if that was the case!
At the beginning of course
At the beginning of course not. He was so charming and nice. Full of promises. The kind of guy you meet and is the center of attention...telling jokes and always has an answer for everything. He is full of smoke and mirrors-a BSer. Professional and a well liked guys. I am a single mom, with no education, no support system in the state I live in. Which means I would have to move back out of state and take my son away from his father and brother in which I do not want to do that to DS. I would have to hope for child support or alimony just to get back on my feet. I don't think I have ever made more than $10 an hour. My specialty was Flight Attendant and I cannot do that job since I have a child and nobody to watch him while I am away on trips.
Thats what they do, they are
Thats what they do, they are on their best behaviour then snare you in, gradually you see the real man, I really must stand up for yourself, the more we let these things happen the more they do it, Im so sorry you are in this situation, do you have family you could stay with?
You're stuck, and that's
You're stuck, and that's exactly how he wants to keep it. I was in the same boat once. Please try to find a way to get yourself unstuck before things get worse.
This is what men expect of
This is what men expect of stay at home wives/moms. Fact of life is that they will BELIEVE that this is it for you. MAKE IT CLEAR TO HIM THAT YOU ARE MORE! Start going back to school. Do it online if you have to. I would also suggest that if you are fed up with life like this now, then don't have more kids. Get the kids you have into school and finish your degree and have a career. There is no reason to live like this if you want more.
I have lived the life you are living now. It's not fun and I feel for you. Your H sounds like my exH, tell him to value you now or he is going to REALLY miss you later on when you move on.
I think that SAHW should do
I think that SAHW should do most of the cooking, cleaning, running around,etc. I am a SAHW too, to two kids who aren't in school, and I do that.
The difference seems to be in your husbands attitude, and his unwillingness to chip in, ever.
If I had a bad day or don't feel well, and don't get a dinner made he doesn't get mad. He just says Hamburger Helper is fine, or he'll take us out to eat. If I have a bad day and the cleaning doesn't get done, sometimes he'll pitch in and help with the dishes and cleanup, or at least not say a word about it not being done.
Also, I do think parenting should be split 50/50 for when the other parent is at home. That is something I struggle with my husband too, but ideally feel like kids need as much time with their dads as their moms, and mom can't be a substitute from what they'll learn from dad.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that my husband is a bit like your husband, but he is at least not a total jerk about it, and is willing to help out sometimes.
AND...not all men are like this.
It doesn't work like that in
It doesn't work like that in this relationship. Two weeks ago I had food poisoning and was up all night sick. He never once got up to check up on my or checked on the baby. I had to do it. If DS needs to be fed he does not know what to give him. Seriously, there is no sick days for me. But when DH is tired then we are all to be quiet. My DH bolts out of the house way before he needs to get to work because he knows I will ask for his help to watch DS while I get laundry done or to just take a nap! I tried a sitter to go back to school....the days off my DH had and had a chance to be home with DS or when he came home early enough to pick up DS from the sitter he would NOT pick up DS and let him sit at the sitter until I rushed from class to go get him.
That says it all, what a
That says it all, what a selfish bastard, a proper man would have sat up with you and taken care of you, in a healthy relationship you know that you can count on your partner at times like that, I know that if I was really ill, he would wipe my butt for me if I needed it, thats love, please leave this horrible man.
No not all men are like
No not all men are like that.
All A-holes are like that.
My dad was like that and if my mom was still alive today I would told her run the other direction.
If my DH keeps up his new fond attitude of yesterday, I WILL BE RUNNING THE OTHER DIRECTION SOON!!!! :jawdrop:
Maybe get into nursing or
Maybe get into nursing or something? As a nurse, you should be able to make enough to support yourself and have a decent lifestyle. My sis just took a two year nursing program and got offered a job for $25 an hour with benefits.
Will your husband be supportive of you doing that or will he do everything he can to sabotage it?
That answer will tell you all you need to know about whether to stay in the relationship.
That is a great idea, thank
That is a great idea, thank you! If I want to do something for myself I would have to plan around what I already do...meaning I would have to plan around SS schedule and find someone to watch DS and take care of dogs. On top of all that I do already. I would say he would sabotage it. He does not help me out at all. I would have to leave him just to concentrate on school and a schedule. When he comes in at 10pm at night and I am already sleeping he wakes me up and gets mad if I do not have sex with him. Even if I tell him the baby is going to be up at 6am and is fussy from teething so his naps are far and few in between and I need sleep. Again, he tells me that all husbands are like this. I mean this guy tried having sex 10 days after I gave birth even when I told him no! The doc had to tell him to back off:/
This is abuse, the more I
This is abuse, the more I read of what you are posting, the more worried for you I am, he seems to be devoid of all sensitivity, any time you need to talk, please feel free to message me, as he sees you become more independant the more he won't like it, he is living in the dark ages, women have rights now, perhaps he should be reminded of that fact.
Thank you janeyc! I will
Thank you janeyc! I will take you up on that offer. It is so difficult to ask family for advice as what I hear is biased and based on emotions. I mean if this was my daughter I would want to kill the man too!
But I want so much more out of life than to be someone's slave. My mother and grandmother were like this in their marriages and I vowed I would never be like that and let a man control me...yet here I am. I got myself into this and now I have to find my way out. I am strong no doubt however, I just needed validation that there is a better life out there for me and my son. I can't imagine living life and not wanting to enjoy it! He takes all the joy away from me. Mother's Day I went away to visit a friend for the weekend. His gift to me was to allow me to go on a 'vacation' to see my friend with a 14 month old baby. A fussy teething crawling into everything baby! He had the entire weekend off too. I had to take my dogs to a kennel because he would not watch them. And when I came home (he knew what time I would be back) he was darting out the door that Sunday to go gamble. He gambled all weekend. He didn't even wait to see me and our son. And didn't come home until 3am. Ugh as I type these posts I think to myself HOW in the world did I let it get this far? He does not beat me and lets me spend whatever I want but he is not plugged in at all. I think there is some emotional abuse going on. And all I seem to do lately is bitch and complain and I hate myself for that! That is not me at all. I am usually so easy going.
No, most men are definitely
No, most men are definitely not like that!! He's a selfish, immature asshole who things you're some kind of slave. The other posters are right - this is abuse and you need to get rid of him. You will never have a life of your own while you're acting as his servant so I would take your little one and your dogs and get away while you can - let him have the responsibility of looking after his own kid for a change.
I have yet to read all the
I have yet to read all the replies, as I am curious too...my DH does cook...but well, we've only been together for 13 freaking years and I have no car...so, to him, the fact that he cooks is awesome...really? But, don't I have to tell you what the heck to cook? Don't I have to tell you what to buy at the grocery store because otherwise you seem to have no clue? I am starting to think that MANY men are this lazy. My ex husband was NEVER this way. Mind you, he was an ahole, but he cooked, he cleaned, etc...and NEVER with me telling him to do it...he just did.
I homeschool, work 30hrs a week from home as a systems engineer, clean, help my son with therapies, buy everyone's crap around here, blah, blah, blah...Today I woke up to ants in the kitchen thanks to the crappy job my husband does when he does do the dishes or cooks. I am worn out. I thought I would read about figuring this mess out last week and actually cooked 2 times and ironed his work shirts...I got a WOW thank you...but things are back to normal. Today? I am doing ONLY my laundry and my son's laundry. I am focusing on the things I like and that will be it. I am pretty sick of it too.
PS if you don't work now, do
PS if you don't work now, do NOT under any circumstances agree to work without these things being ironed out...especially if you work from home. My husband seems to think that because I work from home, it's not really work and thus he should get many of these things too. Mind you, he NEVER complains if things are not done...BUT, I can't live in a shithole and he can gladly live in one. It's one thing when he isn't here most of the day and I am here 24/7 living in a shithole.
Man can and do help out in
Man can and do help out in the household. My dad was an awesome dad and cooked and cleaned and did all the stuff my mom did as well. My dh has "problems" so doesnt do a whole heck of a lot, but does do more than your husband. Back before my dh had his problems-I'd say he pulled his weight fairly equally.
However, I do find that there are a lot of things men dont think of. Planning birthday parties, curling our dd's hair for school pics, a new outfit for Easter, a new backpack for school each year-just little things I do for the kids that truthfully never cross his mind. I think there are some inherent differences in the way men parent vs the way women parent. However, he knows where the dirty diaper goes just as well as you do.
Well I mean it any time,
Well I mean it any time, sometimes life passes and we don't see what is happening to us, you know what is wrong and you know what to do, we will support you.
Tquila, your post made me
Tquila,
your post made me laugh....believe me I have had many dreams about that!
When I had to go back to work because he lost his job due to being terminated for his drinking problem, (five years in recovery) I would come home to a completely dirty house (that i had cleaned the night prior) while DH and SS played, ate and had a ball during the summer days. I paid his child support for years and supported him and SS. Things have not changed much however, I always chalked it up to his being raised with a maid, and a driver, etc....he was spoiled. I always made an excuse for him. There was always a gender role and I don't mind playing my part as I like to play house wife sometimes and cook and decorate my house but I'm sure if I looked closely I would have seen the red flags. But when you are in this situation and in it for a long time one starts to doubt themselves. I have been off the dating scene for seven years. So when I hear how horrible the dating world is out there it scares the heck out of me! So I can only believe when DH tells me all men are like this.
Ugh, well I have disengaged with my SS but that just puts a rift in our marriage even more, like i'm being punished for it. He hates dealing with his ex and does not want the responsibility for his first child that he did not want to begin with. What is it called, stonewalling or something like that?
Yep all true and I couldn't come up with half of this crap even if I wanted to! Makes me want to throw up reading what I type and rereading my posts. Ugh!!
Thank you for all the good
Thank you for all the good advice! I feel some hope....and if I am going to be worn out then it will be for me, my son and/or someone who appreciates me and treats me right. The only reason I have stuck through all this is because I believe in loyalty. However, now that I have another human life to be responsible for, things change. My loyalty is to my son and myself first. My DH and SS come second.