I am new as of less than and hour ago and am soooo happy to find this site! I feel so crappy about how I am coming to dislike on the way to hate my SDs...It's nice to know I am not the only one. I am as interested as you are in getting some advice as I am in a similar situation..things started great, better than i ever imagined but in the last year downhill slide and I want nothing more than to stop it

Hi,

I met my SD when she was 9 and she is now 27. Our relationship started out strong but deteriorated through the years primarily due to guilt parenting by both birth parents and PAS by BM.

DH and BM seldom made SD accountable for her actions. My DH often would punish SD for bad behavior but then would not follow through on the punishment. SD learned early on how to pit parents against each other. If she was being punished at BM's house she would call and cry to DH and he would "rescue" her by picking her up from BM's house and having her stay at our home until "things calmed down". Vice versa with BM when DH tried to set rules or punish SD for bad behavior.

I could go on and on but the real issue was parenting. The lack of. I think that both parents feared that if they did "tough love" parenting they would alienate SD. They would "lose" her to the other parent. I as a stepparent could do nothing. I wanted SD to go to counseling, to get a tutor, I repeated asked for accountability but I was ignored or told that I was being too hard on SD.

SD attended private elementary and high schools but barely graduated with a 1.7 GPA. She has been attending college since with no degree. Again, she was not made accountable for her bad grades. DH paid for college but never kept track of her attendance or her grades. I had to force SD out of our house at age 25. She and I barely speak - we are civil to each other but that's it. Recently DH co-signed a loan so that SD can quit her waitressing job to focus on yet another college major that I doubt she will complete.

Stepkids have it tough - I know that. But parents are doing a disservice to the kids when they enable them. My SD has/had potential to become so much more than she is. I don't know if my SD will ever learn to accept responsibility for her actions or learn how to be an independent adult and that is a tragedy.

I think after two years I learned much thus far.

It started off like this:

DH was only seeing his sd6 EOW- then AFTER I married him, he wanted 50/50. :jawdrop:

Now it is back to EOW. I really tried the first year to get this kid to accept me. Did not happen so I backed out. In time perhaps, this child will remember me for who I really am and not what the ex hag has fed the kid.

I'm not getting in between child and dad so I gave the option of not being around when the kid is over here for full enjoyment.

DH did NOT like that and refuses to let anyone run me out of my own home.

I had to learn to sit back. Took awhile.

(the ex hag is another story although lately she backed way off)

Things went pretty good in the beginning (7 years ago)

The 3 girls adored me in the beginning. They were then 13, 12, and 8. I came into the picture after their parents were divorced and BM was already living with another man.

What we didn't know is that their crazy BM was waging a full-on campaign of hate and PAS against me and their dad and "our home" and basically pitting them against us.

We didn't recoginze the signs. We didn't realize just how heinous and irreparable the damage and abuse could be. And because of it, the middle SD (now 18) absolutely HATES both DH and I and has intense anger issues towards us both. She no longer lives with us. She has "rewritten" the history of the past 7 years in her mind and even when confronted with the facts, she will not believe them- BM has warped her mind forever.

And youngest SD (almost 15) is like a terrified chihuahua- too scared of BM to say anything for fear of the massive guilt and emotional abuse she will get if she dares confronts her. It is so bad, that if SD14 calls to speak to her father on the phone (or DH calls her) while BM is within earshot, she is not "allowed" to show any emotion to him -she must instead treat him like a stranger in her tone, lest she suffer BMs wrath!

I do not know if this helps in your situation, but I would say that if you suspect ANY form of PAS or Hostile Aggressive Parenting going on from the other side, please address it immediately. Do not wait!

My DH and I erred on the side of giving BM the benefit of doubt in that she wouldn't do that to the kids. That was our biggest mistake. And when we did find out what was happening in the beginning, we thought we could combat it with an attitude of just sitting back and "taking the high road" and just showing the kids a quiet, good example instead.

How wrong we were. What we needed to do was take stronger actions legally in court with her immediately- before the severe brainwashing took hold. Now the damage is done. These kids are forever screwed up. Their relationships with their FATHER are forever damaged, and it kills me to see that a GOOD MAN and father has been hurt by a vengful, crazy witch.

Oh, and BTW- most of the books we read (and we read of TON of them) ARE full of crap. We ended up tossing most of them!

Having been a sm to two sets of sk, I have come to the conclusion that there is no set way of being the perfect sm.

In my first marriage with sd's, I had a wonderful relationship with my sd's as well as with their bm. I had made it a point of getting along with the bm from the get go so that there would never be any animosity and that we could all get along like one big extended family and this worked amazingly well and I was even able to make suggestions regarding the sk education etc. Unfortunately, my h passed away, although I still have a great relationship with my sd's and their bm to this day.

I am now remarried and have two adult sd's and a ss, ages 25 to 32. I tried to befriend the bm, but she is unbelievable rude and uncouth so I have given up on this plan of action. Like their bm, both sd's are also incredibly rude, treat me with utter contempt and are the sd's from hell. My ss on the other hand, is easy going and we get along just fine.

I think that my mistake in this relationship is that I did not set any boundaries from the beginning with my sd's, so they believed that they could just walk all over me and I would just have to suck it up. It also does not help that their bm, hates my guts, even though I was not responsible for the break up of her marriage to my h. She believes that she would get my h back if I were not in the picture, even though he has told her that this would never happen.

While non of my present sk's live with us, they pretty much come and go whenever they please and treat me like a second class citizen in my own home and as though I have no rights what-so-ever. Both sd's are sanctimonious and self righteous, will criticize everything I do or say, as though they are the perfect little princesses. Up until recently, my h has preferred to stay neutral in all of this, often making excuses for his d's behavior. However this changed the other day when we were visiting the one sd on her child's fifth birthday. She told me that I wasn't invited and that I had to leave and take all the gift I had bought for her child back. My h was appalled and told her that as I was his w, he would take me with him where ever he went and that if I had to leave then he would leave with me.

Things have escalated to extreme proportions and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, nothing is going to bring my sd's and I closer. I have thus decided that instead of wasting my valuable energy and time trying to fix things, that it is best for me to accept the status quo and get on with my own life. They are not allowed to come to our house when I am at home anymore and I will not have anything further to do with them. My h can see them anytime he wishes to, as long as I am not involved. Life is way to short, to allow some spoiled brats to dictate my life and I will not give my power away to anybody who is intent on being abusive, rude and contemptuous towards me. This is my right!!

I would be interested in hearing your views on this??

I became dad to my now 17yo HS graduate SS when he was 1yo. It has, for the most part, always been reasonably pleasant until the last 10-12months.

He pretty much has turned in to a polite but worthless waste of skin with ZERO ability to make a viable decision for himself about anything. Any question or decision and the answer is invariably "I don't know".

Though I have not had an complete epiphany on the situation I believe that the issue is he has never had to be accountable for himself. He goes between our home and SpermGrandMa's home. At both places things happen for him. He is fed, housed, clothed and with the exception of minor chores and the unequivical message that school is important when he is in our home little is required of him. The message in SpermLand during visitation is that his mom and I are too strict and mean and that he should be able to do what he wants since I "am not his real dad" and his mom took him away from his dad and the SpermClan.

Combined with him being a pleaser who does not want to hurt anyone's feelings or disappoint them never having had the "opportunity" to be accountable for himself has resulted in him basically not doing anything at all.

He could not have a job since no employer would give a teen half of Christmas break, all of Spring break and 5wks in the Summer off to accomodate the court ordered SpermClan visitation.

Now we have a 17yo HS graduate on our hands with absolutely ZERO ability to make an executable decision about anything.

So ....... I recommend that rather than disconnect that you make the commitment to yourself, your marriage and your Skid to do what you can to raise the Skid to be a viable adult. If you don't you may very well find yourself in our situation which I fear has resulted in my wife and I having to float our son's (my SS) inability to launch for a long, long time.

Good luck and best regards.

Bill of Rights

Rags, I love it! You addressed every one of my concerns and problems that I've had. Well done!

This is my sd19 exactly:

"Our relationship started out strong but deteriorated through the years primarily due to guilt parenting by both birth parents and PAS by BM.

DH and BM seldom made SD accountable for her actions. My DH often would punish SD for bad behavior but then would not follow through on the punishment. SD learned early on how to pit parents against each other. If she was being punished at BM's house she would call and cry to DH and he would "rescue" her by picking her up from BM's house and having her stay at our home until "things calmed down". Vice versa with BM when DH tried to set rules or punish SD for bad behavior.

I could go on and on but the real issue was parenting. The lack of. I think that both parents feared that if they did "tough love" parenting they would alienate SD. They would "lose" her to the other parent. I as a stepparent could do nothing. I wanted SD to go to counseling, to get a tutor, I repeated asked for accountability but I was ignored or told that I was being too hard on SD."

This is my ss17 exactly:

"He pretty much has turned in to a polite but worthless waste of skin with ZERO ability to make a viable decision for himself about anything. Any question or decision and the answer is invariably "I don't know".

Though I have not had an complete epiphany on the situation I believe that the issue is he has never had to be accountable for himself. He goes between our home and SpermGrandMa's home. At both places things happen for him. He is fed, housed, clothed and with the exception of minor chores and the unequivical message that school is important when he is in our home little is required of him. The message in SpermLand during visitation is that his mom and I are too strict and mean and that he should be able to do what he wants since I "am not his real dad" and his mom took him away from his dad and the SpermClan.

Combined with him being a pleaser who does not want to hurt anyone's feelings or disappoint them never having had the "opportunity" to be accountable for himself has resulted in him basically not doing anything at all."

My husband and I parent all of our children the same, whether they are mine or his or ours. The punishment is the same no matter who it is. I have sole custody of my BS so my hubby has stepped in to be his father from the very beginning and I have never stopped him. In return he does the same for me. At first it was hard because I am wayyyy more strict than my husband so I really had to learn to let some things go. The big thing is backing each other up. If my son does something that my husband thinks is wrong and I don't, I still back him up. Hubby does the same for me if it's one of his kids. Neither of us make a single decision with any of the kids without discussing it with the other. He even checks with me on times we get the kids on holidays and even Father's Day. I've read some of the things others have said and have to say that I'm very lucky for him to be so understanding in working with me. I think the big thing is learning to let go of the little arguments and save it for the big, life changing ones. If I solve little problems on my own then when I do come to hubby with a complaint he actually listens and understands that this is something that is bothering me and we come to a conclusion together.