Need advise with Adult Stepchildren and their father...
Hello, I would appreciate advise... I am recently married only by the court, our marriage by the church is to happen in Rome in 2 weeks. However our relationship has been a true rollercoaster due to his kids, they are 26, 25, and 21, the oldest is married already. But they all live on their own. At the beginning of our relationship I came with the idea that I will do my best to accept them and hopefully one day they will be no differences between mine and his, we will all be a big family. But with the time I learnt that the were very abusive, emotional and physical towards his father... the only thing he is good for is for the money. They don't like me at all and they disrespect me. The counselor told us to put boudaries, but the problem is that my husband feels the need to be in contact with them regardless their abuse in all ways. Regardless they want him only for the money. Their mother has passed away, but they never had good relationship with neither.
At this point, my husband makes me feel responsible for moving out because that is the advise of the priest, so we moved and he left his job, so he says that I am really responsible for all the debt we are carrying, and his youngest daughter is like a princess, that needs high maintenance, and we just received an email asking to repair her car again, she just parties and he just paid 4000 in repairs for her car, she crashed it and got insurance for 3500, she already spent the money and the car apparently after this time now needs more repair, I told him, you are not going to pay that repair, because she works, she parties all the time, and she spends in things that are not necessary, she should save because for the last 5 months she is asking you to buy her a new car...
His kids continously offend me, insult me, and his son even physically obstruct my passage in the stairs...
I told him I can't not move forward the church wedding, because I can't really stand his kids... my kids loves him very much as a human being not for money, anyways he is not working now, we will work together in a business later, but my kids loves him as a father, his kids loves him as a bank.
Please what should he do? what should I do?
Once the priest told us that as they are adults, he was allowed to brake the relationship with them because they are very toxic.
I forgot to mentioned, I was just diagnosed this weekend with an illness that debilitates my muscles, and it is caused by stress, the doctor told my husband to avoid everything that will create stress, and when I told about the kids, he told us, well you should really cut the ties with the kids...
Will this be correct to you? I really can't take the kids no more, they make me really sick, throw up, can't breath, or loose total voice...
Please need your advise...
Thank you to all...
I donot know your situation
I donot know your situation in detail. I left because he was putting his 12 year old daughter before me. Although my situation is different from what you have written here looks like you are not happy with the emotional abuse and blackmail. Looks like you have become the scapgoat for all problem in their family and you have to bear the burden of all problems your husband has had before you. I can see myself in your situaton if I stayed with my ex. These are problems that have piled through the years. You are disliked by your husband because you want to disturb what ha always been and as it looks like will always be. Are you ready to live like that? I knew things are bad year and a half into the relationship. I tried to leave and wrote a letter. I didnot have the courage. I left after 3 1/2 years. It just prolongs the agony and makes it worse. I would not try to fix anyone. Your husband does not seem to be ready for a change. My ex was not either- he still claims I left because of the kid and he cannot deal with it. Translation- he wants to keep the status quo and does not want to change. I never had a place in his family. At the end he also resented me for not seeing his duaghter every weekend as he used to do it before. I never stopped him - he wante dto spend time with me. You husband dislikes the change. However in order to be with you he has to change. His daughter was toxic and I had to leave. I wasted too much time and money. I should have left earlier much earlier.
Thank you anafiodorova for
Thank you anafiodorova for your response. Well, my husband says he wants to change and save the relationship, but is his kids, that do not stop, and the youngest one 21, nags, cries, and says daddy I love you, but is all related with money, and of course as she knows now that I know her tricks and manipulations with her dad, she is doing everything possible to talk to him alone, and keep me away from their conversations, while my husbands everytime brakes with her show, the older kids are the same, but they are more aggressive, and more verbal abuse, they are all physical abuse... My husband loves me, and I love him too, but his kids really really are a burden... I opened my heart to them, and they said we don't need another mom, our was a saint, and no one will compare to her, unfortunately the woman was not a saint, far from that, and abused my husband as well, that is from where they learnt.
Would any of you would advise to cut ties completly with his kids, also him as he is been abused? should we feel bad of doing this? I really don't because I think abuse should be away from any household... but I am open to listen to all of you that are more experience with step kids...
I don't see any other way
I don't see any other way around this for you, other than for your husband to cut all ties with his children. Abusive relationships do not work whether it be husband/wife, parent/child brother/sister or stepkids/steparent. I took 8 years of abuse form my sd until last August when I finally banned her from my home. Now, that has not made my husband a happy camper, but there was no other way for me to save my sanity. It has worked for me, I have recently begun walking again and am taking care of myself. But I can honesty say that if yur husband agrees to cut all ties with the completly you will have a marriage made in heaven. These adult children see you as standing in the way of what is rightfully theirs - Dad's Money. So, their attitude towards you will never change, and their anger towards their father will remain as constant as their demand on his finances will.
The adult SK's will not change, sorry. Walk away from them with a clear conscience. They are the ones who do not want a relationship with you, and only want a relationship with dad's wallet, so you have nothing much to lose here by walking away from them do you. I hope you and your husband can both agree on this as it would be the best thing for both of you.
My youngest skid, age 38,
My youngest skid, age 38, also loves his father ONLY as a bank. I left that situation nearly 5 years ago and, in case you need proof that I am a complete and total idiot, I am in the process of considering a reconciliation ONLY if all my terms are met.
I will tell you this - your skids will NEVER change - it is your husband who has to do the changing. So...you need to determine if you think that will ever be possible...
for him to let them grow up and become responsible adults.
Golly gosh ownedbypedro. If
:jawdrop: Golly gosh ownedbypedro. If you really are considering going back into that situation I wish you the very best of luck. You obviously know the stepkids are never going to accept you coming between them and dad's money. Can your partner let them go without holding a grudge against you. Because as long as they are in his live, it will impact on yours. Whatever you decide I sincerely wish you all the best.