Need to Get Over My Anger
First time poster (sorry it's long) & background: 5 yr relationship, not married. I have a BS12 who splits living 50/50 with dad, great co-parent relationship-no CO, CS, or problems. SO has a son9 who was dumped on our doorstep (literally) 3 yrs ago by BM when she moved out of state for an "emergency". Ironically happened right after BM tried to file for $1800/mo CS & court ended up reducing it to $400/mo instead (that tells you her me tal capacity & sense of entitlement). BM had minimal contact & said she wasn't returning. We found SS was severely neglected physically/emotionally (at 6 he was too fat/weak to go down steps) was behind in everything & a general mess. She is a classic narcissist & vile human. We made some progress & put him in counseling but he still won't talk through issues & I'm convinced something really bad happened there. A year ago she returned unannounced & he immediately spiraled. SO/BM have 50/50 custody on paper but BM has about a 3% participation with 0% sacrifice however she has control by the numbers. She sees SS 2 weekends/mo (4 days total), never calls him, owes $5k back support, works sometimes & doesn't contribute anything positive. She lives 25 mins away & it's clear to everyone she doesn't want much to do with him other than to show up at his games & act like she is involved. Plus, she is just trashy. Her husband is a former gang member & our housholds are like night/day in comparison. SS has nothing at her house & sleeps on the couch, likely because she doesn't really want him there. I am over it all.
I was doing fine when she was gone but now that she has returned, & he has gone backwards, I am not. When he does visit BM, it takes him days to return to normal-Wakes up crying, random meltdowns over nothing, mouthy, etc. Add to that, I let my SO take a bucket list week vacation (I volunteered to watch SS) and it came right on the heels of SS9 returning from spending spring break at BMs house. It was AWFUL. I will NEVER do it again & I made it clear to SO. My SO knows I have little patience & don't do well with this kid & he has made many sacrifices to try to help make things better for me (left 6 figure job-$60k paycut to be home every night, changed again for weekends off). He doesn't ask me to be responsible for SS. SO has made a ton of sacrifices & she never makes any & his sacrifices affect our entire household. To make matters worse, BM pressured him for years into this child & he didn't want another one. He takes responsibility for that poor decision & it is so beyond anything I can comprehend to toss a child aside when he no longer fits your agenda. SS is socially awkward, beyond annoying & last week I saw so much defiance & manipulative behavior that is exactly like her, it made me angry.
I understand so much of this isn't this kids fault & he didn't ask to come into this world, but how do you let go of the anger for a BM that basically has full control with limited participation & zero sacrifice? I feel like I've gone backwards as time has carried on & I need to get control or I'm going to explode. He has 2 parents with 50/50 custody & decision making on paper but only 1 who is actually a parent. What BM has is all of the control, no responsibility or accountability & all of the freedom.
Forget BM and focus on the
Forget BM and focus on the child. She's a waste of space and this kid REALLY needs to be loved. So, ignore her existence and concentrate on giving him a decent life.
.Sorry I can't be of more help but my heart hurts for this child.
I am trying
But I can't stand to even hear her name because I loathe her existence. I think I am just so angry that someone has destroyed an innocent child like this & not only takes zero responsibility for it, is allowed by the courts to continue the destruction. She only is around for her own needs, not his. He was doing so well when she left & with her return he has become so clingy and attached to his dad we can't even have a conversation alone or he can hardly go to the back yard without "where's my dad?". The more love and attention we give the WORSE clingy he becomes & we can't breathe. We are trying to do all the right things & help him (and us) it just seems to not make a difference. I know that she was never emotionally available for him from day 1 & he never formed a bond. It is just a sad & frustrating situation.
What I would do
Bless you for being a responsible mom figure in this child's life. He certainly sounds difficult in many ways. Those transition issues were common in our house, too, as the kids went back and forth.
You asked how to let go of the anger and I can relate since our BM dumped her 3 here, too. If you are up for counseling, that helped me immensely. Having a sensible, mature person to talk to, having some detached feedback, helped me look at our situation in different ways. If that's not a possibility, look into other ways to get yourself some support: online therapy, journaling, Steptalk -whatever works.
Your SO sounds supportive, that's half the battle, but you yourself need more support. Do it for yourself and do it for the little boy.
You've made a good first step by joining Steptalk, lots of sensible posters from many backgrounds. You might also want to think through whether you want to stay in this relationship cuz I can't see this boy miraculously coming around and he's only 9.
Good luck, Pushed.
You are right
On all accounts- counseling & do I stay. That's where I am but with my own children I struggle to think what it would be like for my SO to leave me because of my child. My child that I have done everything I possibly could to help, everything possible I could to make it better for my SO (me) and yet my SO still walks away. How awful that would be. My partner has already walked away from his 19yr old son (same BM) after a lot of crap and on his own choice when he saw he couldn't do anything more. I washed my hands of that one awhile ago & he also agreed with my stance on why I did.
I have spent a lot of time on this page & what I do know is I have probably one of the most supportive SOs on here who is not defensive of his own children because he sees the truth, even though it hurts immensely. He usually says "I really wish I could disagree with you but all of your points are valid and true." At times I seriously just wish I was wrong. I have thought of counseling but in our area just finding one with an opening can take forever. It took us a year to find this child a counselor & then we wasted a year as that counselor made zero progress. We are on to a new one & I know I need to consider taking care of my own self as well as a wrecked mom is not a good leader or role model.
Agree!
Winterglow is right...this poor kid sounds like he really needs stability and love.
I think you should consider what you're willing to do. Obviously you're a big part of this kid's life, but I understand the frustration at BM and her lack of responsibility. It might be worthwhile to have the CO updated to reflect the level of responsibility of each parent, since she seems to have very little. Keep a calendar or notebook to document when he's with SO and when he's with BM...especially note when he is supposed to be with BM but she doesn't take him. Document everything.
This poor kid sounds like he needs stability and love, for sure....
On the other hand...are you willing/able to do and give what SO's child needs? Its definitely a lot.... And where does SO stand on the situation?
Yeah SO doesn’t want to update anything
Because they were never in court, everything was settled outside of court. She takes him on her scheduled time but she is supposed to have 4 weeks of time uninterrupted in the summer that she submits dates for by 12/31. Yeah ok, like we have seen it. I want her to take him because I work from home & I don't want him under my feet all summer. SO gets sick thinking of him there for that long. My thoughts are honestly how much worse can she screw him up in that time?
We live in a state where the courts are a JOKE. Unless he came back carrying his arm they wouldn't do anything with our documentation. Hell even then they'd probably just say, oh um yeah we'll look into that. They screwed up paperwork & she got away without paying CS for a year & all they said was...oops, we need to start the CS paperwork all over again because it got dropped. Thanks a lot, that was $5k+ she never had to pay because of their mistake.
Does that go for dads too or
Does that go for dads too or just BMs? What happens if DH doesn't allow BM to take SS? Does she have the money/means to fight in court? Can you afford daycamps for SS during the summer? Probably not as exciting as hanging out with bikers. Is they a penalty for not submitting her dates in time?
Has DH told BM no and suffered consequences for standing up to her?
She would get state appointed attorney
Because she is a POS with no money or job (by choice). That's how it works you know. I personally think she would do everything to stay out of court given her track record of lies and the fact her husband is a felon, doesn't have his kids or see them (neither does his ex) and no one can seem to find out the actual reason of why that is. So many red flags for me on that situation alone & should SS even be around it. I think SO is afraid to go to court (no the $$$ isn't there) and because you hear the endless stories of $$$ pouring out and no real positive outcome from it. I have suggested summer camps and making her pay for her half but even getting him to/from those would fall on me so that's a no. There are no repercussions of her not submitting her requested time or not taking him on her time & because of our (mostly my) sanity we have to tell her when her time is so she will take him. She NEVER offers & never sacrifices or helps with him. Frankly, she doesn't want him & I don't think she has ever read the final parenting plan & expects everything spoon fed to her because she is too dumb to figure anything out. When she does have him she does nothing with him but l let him play video games & have no rules so he comes home, sleeps a ridiculous amount, is starved for attention & has meltdowns over nothing. Obviously we can't control what happens over there but it certainly affects our home.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Hi - you are in the right place. Read around here and at some blogs as well as forums. You are not alone in this.
Definitely post as much as you need to and comment.
Ppl open their legs and enjoy
Ppl open their legs and enjoy their lives, then leave you with the consequences
You said your SO is involved so you should be fine. Worry about parenting your child and giving him stability. The step stands no chance due to his parents and is set to make your lives a living hell as he grows up. All you can do is demobilize and ignore. Kids like these cannot be saved.
This is my horrible fear
And SOs as well. We don't have a plan B for SS if he goes completely off the rails as he gets older but I absolutely will pull the plug on this relationship if it hits an unacceptable level for me. Sadly my SO knows this and understands my view on it. I think what is so difficult is my kids are super smart & his are just kinda taking up space in the world. My oldest is driven, successful, into cars (SO loves cars)...so basically my kids are the kids he wished he had & he loves them like his own. His kids are a complete 180 from mine & he knows it. UGH, it's hard to watch & frankly I have a most bizarre situation here that I haven't yet seen on this page.
Well my husband too has a son
Well my husband too has a son with behavioral issues who was 10 when i came in the picture. Instead of taking charge and resolving the issues, my husband chose to ignore it and blame it on the way he was raised by BM1....BM1 kicked him out at 14 and he lived with us for 2years then moved out back to BM1, then his uncle, then the street, then back with us
The issues were extreme defiance, manipulation, entitlement and violent behavior. It never improved and through the years of coddling, it became worse. He has no future and will probably be a responsibility for my husband all his life. BM1 does not care and has washed his hands off him....she created the monster and enabled it and then moved on while my husband feeds the monster through his rose colored glasses
Be prepared to have lots of issues and poor quality of life for a child who will turn out ungrateful
Ugh
At least my SO doesn't wear rose colored glasses throughout it all but honestly, it doesn't make the situation any less frustrating at times. I have already decided if this ever reaches levels of violence, extreme defiance, legal issues etc, I'm done. This is my house & I have a lot more power to pull the plug on a bad situation and my #1 priority is to protect myself, my own children & my assets.
Has your husband ever
Has your husband ever considered having CPS look at his mom's house? I mean.. I know it opens him up to having some scrutiny.. but it sounds like that environment is harmful to the boy. Also.. your DH should be documenting the actual custody that she takes.. and then after a reasonable period.. go to court to have things adjusted.. including any child support that is based on 5050.. I guess he may be worried his ex would take more time with the kid to avoid CS.. though.. so if that seems a big risk.. I think it would bemore important to have the kid away from her. Is he still in counseling?
I/We have lived our version of the struggles your family is
living with your SS being destroyed by a toxic shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Due to the long distance visitation schedule and my DW having full physical and legal custody from SS-30's birth, we were able to mitigate much of the toxicity and support SS through the crisis times.
For our son, he would start what I refer to as pre visitation behavioral degredation about a week prior to departure for SpermLand. Upon returning home to his normal and quality life after SpermClan visitaiton we would have ~2wks of post visitation behavioral detox to work through. It took a few years for us to land on our structured solution to pre and post visitation behavioral issues, but... .it turned out to be pretty simple, though not always easy and not always pleasant.
We adopted a no tolerance and no transition time model. The rules, behavioral standards, and performance standards of our home were immediately applicable from his first step iback into his real home and life post SpermClan visitation until he stepped on the plane to fly to splash around in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Fortunately visitation was long distance for a total of 7wks/yr. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. No one from the SpermClan ever participated in his life. No one ever visited though in addition to the 7wks of travel visitation they did have 10days of visitation in his local in October on the condition that he did not miss school during that 10 days. It was in the CO. Not once did they take it nor did any SpermClan member ever participate in his real life at all. Ever.
In the 16+ years we lived under the CO until his 18th B-day, there were several periods of more than a year that they refused all visitation.
Their MO was to PAS him during his visitaitons. Guilting him about how the CS they were forced to pay to support him was starving his 3 younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by 2 other baby mamas. Guilting him about how it was not fair that he had a nice life, nice things, good schools, vacations, etc... the they could not. They being not only SS's younger sibs, but the SpermClan in general. And regularly reiterating that our family had the great life we were living because of the CS they paid. That $110/mo apparently bought several cars, a couple of new homes, nice vacations, etc.....
Stick the facts, protect the traumatized Skid, keep BM's nose scrubbed in the stenchy spots in her nasty life's carpet, and .... structure SS's back and forth with zero excuse time on his behavior from the second he steps into your home, until the second he gets into BM's car for her intermittent visitation time with him.
Of course keep SS engaging with the therapist, talk him through the challenges... and review the CO, facts, records, supplemental county rules, state regulartions... and truth with him regularly. Kids need the facts to be able to understhand that that they are being victimized by a toxic parent. They need the facts to beable to protect themselves from that toxic drivel as they are growing up. And they need the facts to continue to protect themselves as adults. Crap people like your SS's BM do not stop being crap people when a Skid reaches the age of majority. My son's spermclan certainly didn't. He has had to smach them back under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool a number of times using the facts as an adult. The facts that he was seasoned with in an age appropriate manner as he was growing up and heartbroken by the PAS, lies, etc.. .his SpermClan attacked him with.
Good luck.