Hi. I'm new on this site, just found it and was reading through it and found some great articles/reading.
I'm not sure where this would go, but I am at my wits end. I have been taking other peoples shit for to long without saying anything about it, and I recently started standing up for myself...but the funny thing is, my husbands EX WIFE won't let me.
Ok, I really have to start from the beginning or else this might not make sence, and it is a REALLY WEIRD situation.
I met J in high school and we reunited last August ('09). We got along wonderfully, and still do. I truly believe he understands me like no other and we have a bond better than any other. He had been divorced for a year (little over, they split because she cheated and he retaliated with drug use, he does not use anymore, sober for 9 months). They had 3 young boys together.
Anyway, he was still living with his EX and her new BF. He was living with her and her new BF because he had no other option and his ex worked nights and it was a good way for her to have her kids in safe hands at night while she worked.
They fought all the time and J was always stressed. He would come to visit me and stay over at my house for the weekends or the nights she was off work. I had heard a few phone messages she would leave him when he was staying overnight at my place. She was pretty rude and she would demand he be home at a certain time so she could have "me time", or go to work, or for whatever reason she wanted him home...
I lived with 3 other roommates in a 2 bdrm, or I would have just suggested he stay with me.
Sometimes he would bring his kids over to get to know me. Eventually he brought me to his place and introduced me to his EX and her BF.
Eventually, yes, I did move in with him and his EX and her new BF, right after Christmas time. My lease ran out, 2 of my other roommates were in mid break-up, and I thought it was time for "the party house" days to come to an end. I paid a portion of the rent, bought groceries, did my share of housework and helped with the kids. Not only J and his EX'S kids, but we also took care of her new BF's 2 year old so they could both sleep and go to work...
At first she was really nice to me, we swapped recipes and talked and she seemed ALMOST like a friend. I would even have to be left alone with her during the day sometimes and it wasn't uncomfortable at all...
It was very strange, but when I moved in, they seemed to get along enough to not yell and scream at each other, we all seemed to get along okay. At first we had our freedom and could come and go as we pleased, unless she was working that night, which we didn't even mind staying home between 10pm - 7am with the kids. We would usually either stay home during the day too or if we had somewhere to go we would take the kids so that she could sleep...
At first we were allowed to have our friends over and to go see them when we wanted on her days off, that stopped when she accused J of coming home drunk when he wasn't.
She would say that she didn't trust us when we left and that she didn't want us coming home "stoned" one day in front of her kids.
It seemed like the more freedom J had, the more aggrovated she would get...
Then one day we told her we were going out for the day and she said she needed to sleep, she got so "fed up" with us "running around pointlessly" that she kicked us out in the snow and locked the door.
I thought the stories I had heard about her controlling nature was a tad embellished until that day. After all EX'S do tend to make the story sound worse.
That day was the first time I had actually seen how crazy she will go to get her way.
She let us back in, but that is the day that all the shit started.
After she let us back in me and J got into a fight because I thought something needed to at least be said about it...it was soon forgotten about.
This kept happening again and again and again. Constantly reminding us that it was her house and that we needed to remember it, respect it and obey. I was starting to get mad.
Eventually not only was she controlling him, she was controlling me. I kept my cool and just kept telling myself it was only temporary. We were saving up for an apartment.
I hadn't previously told J, but I was annuity holder from a wrongful death suit from 1993, when I was around 9. If I so wished that monthly payment could be turned into one lump sum. I thought it over for weeks and came to the conclusion that I could have the chance to purchase a home for myself. I called and set it all in motion. I then sat him down and explained to him what I had done. He asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted and I explained that I loved him very much and I thought things would be better and even if things didn't work out for us, that I still would have a house, everyone needs a place to live and for me this would be at chance at a permanent, structured life. Previously I had bounced from place to place, staying with grandparents at a young age and random family and friends in my teenage years. I NEEDED this, even if someday there was a chance we weren't together. He didn't feel so bad after I explained that to him. He was and still is forever greatful.
When we told her that we planned on moving out, she wanted to know every detail, I felt I had to be honest since they would need to work out custody issues and the kids would be staying with us every other week, as their mother she needed to know where they would be and that they would be taken care of, etc, etc. She would find out on her own someday anyways, even if I had chose not to tell her...

I know this is long please bear with me, I feel like I REALLY NEED to vent and I hope you all understand and I REALLY appreciate any feedback - maybe tell me it's okay to be angry - LOL.

Anyway, we started our house hunt in March of this year. (2010) We settled on a gated community in a nice area in a large city in mid missouri. We had to go through all the paper work, waiting for the other family to move out, etc. The whole process would take about a month and a half. Instead of remaining in the EX WIFE'S house, we decided that we would should look into a month to month lease on an apartment. When we told her we would be moving out the next week, she pulled him aside into another room and went off on him and told him that he had changed since he met me.
She started flirting with him, she even told him once that her, the boys and J should all sit down for a "family meal" one night, which was completely odd to me because she was usually alseep when we had dinner or if she was awake we would eat in the living room. She started to be overly nice to him. She tried to tell J that I wasn't right for him and that he was changing. She even told him once that since he had met me he seemed to have no interest in his kids anymore...which really hurt me because I spent most of my days with them and we would take them to the park or out to eat or to arcades if we wanted to get out of the house.
We finally moved into our tiny temporary aprtment. They arranged a schedule for the children to stay off and on with us.
All was well for a split second.
She started e-mailing me about her broken laptop, she wanted to borrow money for a new one. I said no. So then she texted my phone and asked both of us. Then she called and asked J to ask me to loan her the money for a new one. I kept saying no. She sent a text to my phone that said "J, you of all people know I'm a crazy bitch and will do everything in my power to get what I want...remember that." I thought that was psycho and I replied "If this is how you treat people, no wonder you have no friends except your Mommy."
Then she told J that her kids were suffering without a laptop because that was their gaming computer. I still said no. Then she told J she didn't want her kids around me. I called her and firmly explained to her that it was not going to happen and she should be ashamed of her behavior. I made her cry. Then I felt bad, then she dropped the issue for a little while.
Then one day low and behold, her BF calls me and tells me that the computer is broken and that he sent it in to a repair shop and that the motherboard was fried because someone had spilled beer on it and that the insides were corroded and he said that person was J so therefore I was responcible. I couldn't believe it, and I requested a picture of the motherboard. It looked as if someone smeared peanut butter on it. I called the computer company and explained to them the beer theory. They said that it would take years for a beer or any liquid to corrode the insides, and further more, there was NO POSSIBLE way that a certain type of liquid could be pinpointed.
I told them exactly what the company told me and the issue was dropped for good out of nowhere.
One day we were dropping the kids off and she told us she was sorry and asked if we would forget about it.
We went over to her house one day to get the kids and she asked to talk to me in private. She confided in me that she was pregnant by her new BF. WOW. Ok, what am I supossed to say to that? She told me she had not told her BF yet. I told her she needed to and she started to cry. I had no idea what to say or how to react to that...
Weird, huh?
She called one day and demanded we take the kids right then and there when she knew we had things to do and we were getting ready to move one last time. We had rented a U-Haul for that day and the kids couldn't fit in it. She freaked out when we told her it would have to be tomorrow. She screamed at J that if he didn't take his kids now that he would never see them again...he went to get the kids and our move would have to be postponed.
I thought that was totally unfair, especially since we told her 3 days in advance that this would be happening...
We finally got to move into our house. I love it here, I really do.
We had just got settled in when one day the phone rang, it happened to be her, asking to borrow $550 for rent money. J told me what she had asked and I said no. He called her and told her no. She went batshit insane, saying that her kids needed a place to live. She called and bothered him so much about it that he eventually turned the ringer off. I shouldn't have to turn my phone off, what if someone else wanted to get ahold of one of us?
She kept the issue going for DAYS! I didn't think I was responcible when she and her BF both handled the rent BEFORE I moved in, and now I didn't even live there...not my responcibility. I told J that I would NOT do that. She kept telling us to think of it as loaning money to the kids. WHAT? She kept on and on and on. Finally I got on the phone with her and I told her...NO, I said NO, not him, don't yell at him, but me, and I don't owe you anything." Then the computer thing was brought up and how she was so good for "letting it go and being the bigger person about it". I hung up on her. Hour passes she calls asking again, I tell her the same thing, NO, and eventually she starts crying and saying "My babies are going to be homeless." HAVE YOU NO SHAME WOMAN? Jeez! After about 2 weeks of his EX pestering me and J, I loaned her the $550. I shouldn't have to do that because she can't take no for an answer and leave it alone. Come to find out she didn't even tell her BF and when it was brought to his attention he was puzzled. I made her sign a contract. She's supossed to pay me back in March of 2011, we'll see how that goes.
After that I lost my temper on her for repeatedly calling my phone and demanding we take the kids at the last minute, because she needed a break. Or asking for favors. I don't mind having the kids, or even doing small favors,
but the way she went about it was ridiculous. She wouldn't even have the kids for her whole week. She would use her new pregnancy as an excuse.
We dropped the boys off one day and decided to go see a movie. We were barely in the parking lot before she started calling and texting that she needed for J to come back and get them. He told me to turn my phone off. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore and that something needed to be said. I turned my phone back on to a barrage of texts and voicemails. A few texts were nice and a few were some of the meanest things ever said to me. One message that stuck out on particular was "L, you need to tell J to call me NOW. He can't avoid me like this, I need for him to get his kids, NOW. I want the $110 that he owes me and I want it NOW, maybe you should ask him about that, huh? I'm tired of helping the two of you out!" Had my ears heard right? Tired of helping ME out when I loaned her money, bought her kids clothes that fit, shoes, bunkbeds, did favors for her etc?
I asked J about the $110 and he told me that it was from before we even met, a part of rent he was unable to pay to her before I even knew him.
I went home and e-mailed her, I tried to be calm but I will admit that I threw a few mean things in there. She e-mailed me back and told me that J had been to her house at 2 am, knocking on her window and telling me that J told her some not so nice things about me...
It was really hard, it's so hard not to believe becuase they are alone when he goes to get the kids from her. She said a lot of cruel things.
I know the things she says are untrue, but it's just so hard to accept that she would even lie to try to break us up. J finally told her that if she succeded at driving me away that his kids would have no where to go on her off weeks. We both blocked her e-mails and told her she needed to stop demaing and trying to control every aspect. He told her that hw was stressed and fed up and her responce was "if you can't handle it then you need to sign your rights over", he explained that all the stress was from her and that he was going to get a lawyer. She backed off until a few weeks ago, now she has started using her late stage pregnancy as a tool, saying one day that we needed to go get the kids because she was going into labor, come to find out she went to have lunch with her mom. She has done that a few times now, pretty much forcing us into a position that we don't want to be in. J explained to her that he wants nothing to do with the pregnancy and that she needs to keep the if it is her week and that he is not responcible for her pregnancy issues. Recently her and her BF have been posting things about J and I on facebook and myspace.
She had the audacity to ask me for a $3,000 loan to put as down payment on a mboile home... I told her hell no and told her not to bug me about it because I would get just as psycho as her if she persisted with it. It was left alone.
Sometimes she will leave them with us for a few extra days on when shes supossed to come and get them and turn her phone off and leave us with no way to contact her at all. It's not that I don't want J's kids here, but it's to the point where I can't take her telling us what to do, who we can have at our house (because her kids are here at times), telling us what she NEEDS us to do since she is pregnant, etc. When they are here, the first few hours they will tell me "My mommy said bad words about you and I don't like you now." Then they soon forget, but every time they come back I have to hear about how I am not liked and how their mom talks about J and I. I'm done trying to convince his kids that she's just mad at me and that I would never be bad to them everytime they come here. I feel like everything is put on me at the last minute when I am not prepared. I am about done with all of it, but J and I love each other so much. I will admit I let her get the better of me and I did try to end it with J, only because I wanted her out of my life that bad. But, I realized that she would win if I let that happen. So, here I am. At her ever beckoning call, getting angrier by the day. It just seems like she will do anything to piss someone off and to be in control. Yesterday was her day to pick them up and she left her kids or us with no way to contact her until 7pm today when she showed up tonight. (she even hung up on J when He called her cell this morning to see what was going on with the kids)
Am I over-reacting?
Sorry for the length, but I NEEDED to get that out, I'm venting like this to stop myself from sending her a mean e-mail for the stunt she pulled today. I really don't want to send her an e-mail because it will just start another war.
Hopefully at least one person can offer some insight.