New Here :)
Hi! my boyfriend (32) and his 7 year old stepson live with me. I'm 24. We've been dating for a year, and in the last 4 months or so, his baby mama drama got pretty intense.
Our relationship is amazing. We talk about getting married. His son, I'll call him O, adores me.
His mom adores me too, she tells me so even.
The drama here is that back in June she was admitted to alcohol rehab. After relapsing shortly after release and O watching her almost drown in a bathtub because she was so drunk, she went back for a month. Then she was in sober living for 6 weeks, relapsed when she had O one Saturday night, was passed out drunk in front of her house with O unattended inside.
We took her to court, won sole custody and she gets supervised visitation from Sunday morning till Wednesday when she drops him at school. She is to be supervised by her mom at all times.
I found out today she took O to a football game Sunday with her ex boyfriend. Grandma did not attend the game. Also, she steals clothes and sends him to us in old clothes that dont fit him or have holes in them.
I welcomed these 2 boys into my life fully. My house has transformed into a 7 year olds house. Legos. Everywhere. And I love it. I love having them in my life and wouldnt trade it for the world.
It absolutely KILLS me to watch his mom seemingly not care about him. She doesnt care enough to follow the COURT order that requires she be supervised when she has him. Whos to say shes gonna follow the "not drinking" part of it?
Ugh. I joined here hoping to get some advice on how to deal. BF has been split up from her since O was 6 months, and hes no stranger to her ways. Hes had time to deal. I havent. Help?
Yeah we use all our own
Yeah we use all our own clothes when he's with us. What happened is in the past we'd send him with her in our clothes, because he'd come back that evening with them, and then BAM we get a phone call mom relapsed is in the ER come get him and we show up and hes wearing clothes 3 sizes too small.
I bought him a new jacket for winter, it disappeared. I have asked her for it back many times and we still havent gotten it back. We just today got shorts back that disappeared in June.
BF was very firm with her today and said "I spend a lot of money on clothes for him to go to school in, those clothes need to be returned to me asap."
I never agreed with Maternal Gma supervising, but we were keeping the peace because we had him and didnt want to give him back after she relapsed because she had full custody at that time.
Can grandma be held in contempt of court for not following?
He also told me tonight that when he and his mom sleep at grandmas, grandma takes him to school because his mom always sleeps late. Why the heck is he with her if shes not even using her time with him to BE with him?
Dear step to be, I feel for
Dear step to be,
I feel for you, there are somethings i had to learn and I guess you will too. Bf is the parent , love ss or not you are not the parent (you will do parenting but it is not always the same.) your Bf needs to be a hard as when it comes to the safety and well being of his son but you personally have no controll over this when he is not with you take a deep breath and know you are doing the best you can for him. It is bf who needs to decide with the court has a surpervising role not you. Dont take this the wrong way i had two skids of my own i love them but their mom sucks two weeks ago she took them on vaction it is the first time she ever spent 24 hours without help from dh or her own mom, she has 3 kids 9, 12 ,and 16. Anyways it is so hard but you need to understand in reality you have no rights, but she does. She is his mother, and he loves her even if she sucks, scares him, scars him for life she is his mother. When she has visitation with him if she sleeps in and doesn't spend time with him that is her loss but as long as Grandma is there he should be safe, If bf doesn't feel that is safe he needs to go back to court. I really feel for you and understand I am sure you a great person and mother figure to this boy.
this is very hard, i am not trying to make you feel bad and it might take years to really understand what i am saying. It took about three years of heart breack until i truley understood what people ment when they said this to me "they are NOT your kids".Love him and show him what it is like to be safe, happy , a family but dont worry to much about what a shit mother she is.
As for the clothes keep, the good stuff at your house, go a salvation army and send stuff for her house. Forget about what is already lost his mom probibly can't function enough find them.
Thanks guys. I realize that
Thanks guys. I realize that no matter what, bottom line is that Im not his mom.
BF is amazing. He tells me that O loves me and gets more excited to see me than when he has visitation with his mom. And it sucks bc shes a nice person, but shes just gone down the wrong path and I hate to see her take him with her.
He is adamant at getting the clothes back. He told her I spent my hard earned money on those clothes. He shows up to our house with his feet hanging out of his shoes and in clothes 2 sizes too small.
I just dont get how someone can knowingly neglect their kid like that.
Oh and she takes him to her AA meetings. So now he calls anyone with a beer in their hand an alcoholic.
BF and I are going to have a baby in a year or so, not pregnant now, just thinking about the future. We wanna get married first. I am terrified that I am going to favor my own child more than O. I dont talk to BF about this because it actually scares me to death. I love O with all my heart, but when it comes down to it, he's not my blood. My niece is 22 months and if she slobbers on my face or sticks her slobbery fingers in my mouth I dont care. but when I have to scrub ss's underwear because he's 7 and apparently doesnt know what toilet paper is, it grosses me out. I love him and we cuddle and he says he loves me, and we really do have a great relationship. When they moved in I painted his room maroon and grey and put white out board stuff on the walls and stuff. And when we have him its pretty much me and him till Saturday because BF works nights. I've said to bf before, "I feel terrible saying this but I cannot wait until we have a kid we dont have to share with anyone." But I just dont wanna push O aside.
I feel like it is normal to
I feel like it is normal to want a child of your own but speaking as someone who didn't wait i suggest waiting , especailly because like it or not his ex creates baggage for him and it can be very hard to deal with. You are still young, you have a lot of time before you NEED to think about your own babys. Try getting those flushable wipes they have in the toilet paper isle. Now i am not saying this to offend you but if you get grossed out cleaning yuckie undies then Dad should be doing that. SS is his son and it sound like you do a lot of parenting work and give fincial support which is great for SS and BF but not nessesarly you responiblilty. Also it is ok to favor your bio child in your heart just rember to be aware of it and you will be ok.
Rember this woman is in recovery she is not funtioning fully. She probibly is not aware of what she is doing,or not doing ,that is what recovery is she is learning to function again. You might want to learn about AA and the recovery process talk to people who have really been there. I am not saying this boy should be neglected but you should try not to judge her. It is also pretty common for people in AA bring their kids to a meeting with them. It is extremly important for people in recovery to go meetings. you SS wont be dammaged by this, and he might always be uncomfotalbe seeing people drink because when he saw his mother drink. You might try explaining to him that not everyone drinks a beer is an alchohlic, and that is a sickness some people get.
Remember you are probalby the best thing in his life right now, good luck.
I do not know about where you
I do not know about where you are but a judge can name you on a custody paper, here in Louisiana I got custody as well as DH since I was dealing with schools and doctors and such like so I needed to PROVE I had authority.
BF works nights, so the
BF works nights, so the laundry and all that is done by me. I was just using that as an example like I don't mind changing my nieces diapers but I mind when his underwear is all nasty lol.
I do a of the daytime stuff. I do hw. I go to the park. I do dinner. I do the night time shower. (I stay outside the bathroom and basically instruct him what to do. I don't think he'd be comfortable with me in there.)
BM was supposed to pick him up this morning but her ex bf (the one who causes her to drink) texted bf and said she wasnt feeling well and her phones not working and she wouldnt be able to get him in the morning. Then at 5pm he texted again and said shes still sick and would maybe get him tomorrow night. Under any other circumstances, it'd be fine, but under THIS circumstance, we're suspicious. Nobody's actually heard from HER and her phone goes right to voicemail.
So the drama continues.
Don't worry about why mom
Don't worry about why mom can't see him. If he is with you you know he is safe. Laundry can be done in the morning you know. Some people might be offended by this but don't let your self be the free baby sitter. You are not married , you wrote about buying him stuff so i guess you have a job, your bf is 8 years older than you , he is lucky to have you but don't let him take advantage of you. You can be a good stepmom, girl friend with out doing all the parenting. Also a seven year old should be more than capible of taking a shower with out any help.
I'm actually not working
I'm actually not working right now. BF and I have a VERY good system. He's been working 60 hour weeks so that I can stay home and find a good job so doing all the housework is the very least I can do.
And I don't even mind doing O's laundry. I love folding his little clothes and hanging them up and stuff. I'm weird lol. It just grosses me out when his underwear is nasty. But then again when I have a biological kid that's 7, it might gross me out then too.
BM is still MIA. Hasn't called, no contact since last Wednesday. Her mom called bf and said she hasn't heard from her either. O cried today saying he misses his mom and why wont she call him? I told him shes not feeling well, but thats the excuse everyone used for her when she was in rehab. This poor kid.
Ok so BM just called. She
Ok so BM just called. She claims shes had migraines and wasnt able to call... ya know... since Wednesday...
She told me she'd pick O up tomorrow if the hospital releases her by then. Funny though because last night the hospital told me they released her Friday.
Our court order states that if she seeks medical attention, all her medical records must be released to us. So BF is calling her lawyer in the morning to have her records sent to us.
The order also states that if she DOES seek medical attention for her plethora of medical issues, she needs to be extra tested for her TASC random drug testing, and she has to pay for the extra testing. And if they find she is abusing rx medication it's considered a violation of the order and she loses him.