STAT

Ask him, if he doesn't raise kids to be successful adults, what will happen when he is no longer around

If he won't go to class, I would recommend 1 23 Magic for a good parenting book.  It is about putting parents in charge for a happier family

My heart goes out to you. How much you must love this man to put up with this! Have you been together long?

The only advice I can give is structure. When my DH and I started dating the youngest was a nightmare, she had tantrums and meltdowns and was generally awful. Needed all the attention and had an absolute bird when she wasn't being catered to. We implimented bedtimes and routine and things have gotten so much better. (My DH just started 5/50 when we got together)

There's definitely an adjustment period for kids and I think that the more routine we can provide for them the better, so they know what's happening next. 

I have a theory that when kids come in the room and demand to know what we're talking about it's because they're so self centered (which is normaly, esp for little kids) that they assume it's about them. Maybe if you keep it light and reassure them that it's nothing to do with them that will help? Like, we were discussing somthing private but don't worry, it's nothing to do with you. That was they wont be suspicious that you're moving, or breaking up, or something bug that will affect their life. That stuff is scary for little kids. 

I relate the the Liquor store thing, I remember taking a giant swig from a bottle of whiskey when DH went to get the kids the first time they were coming to our new place. You have a lot on your plate and hopefully you can take some time for yourself and really enjoy the holy F out of the weeks you don't have the kids. Good luck

I'm always blown away by parents who say their kids "won't" do something like take the bus. Good gravy. You're the adult. 

Of course, kids in middle school can be incredibly mean...so if I had a kid who didn't **want** to take the bus, I'd certainly spend some time making sure she/he wasn't being bullied on the bus. But...yeah. If it's just a matter of not wanting to stand and wait...you better believe the kid would be on that bus. Why? Because I'm a grown-up and my time is more valuable than a child's time. 

I must have missed the memo where parents are mandated to abdicate their parental authority and authority in their homes to toxic crotch droppings.

Even if I had received that memo I would not do it.

If I had so much as raised an eyebrow much less my voice to my parents it would have been game over.

Kids do what they are told when they are told or ... they receive age appropriate consequences. 

Time for daddy to warm up his forearm tennis swing and apply some sting to profane toxic kid butt with a paddle. Even as "only" a StepParent, I would do it myself if it had to be done in my home.  I did it a few times while my SS was growing up.  So did his mom.  He got the message, adjusted his behavior, and turned out to be quite an impressive man of character and accomplishment.

No amount of love could get me to stay in this situation. The love would gradually wear away to resentment and hatred. How can you love and respect a man who lets his 5-year-old child act like a feral animal, biting and wallowing in his own crap? These kids are crying out for parents, and your DH probably thinks he's father of the year because he wipes his 5-year-old's butt for him and doesn't make his 11-year-old ride the bus to school.

Ugh.

Something that's really hit home with me in the last 2 years is that no parent wants to admit that their kids are anything but perfect, and as a step parent we have clear eyes. It's hard to walk that line because pointing things out might make your DH super defensive and be counter active. 

I've learned a few things from reading posts in this forum that have been really helpful for my own situation and the biggest one is this: You have every right to dictate peoples behaviour in your own home. So while you migh tnot be comfortable parenting the kids you can still say, in this house we behave like this. I'd stay far away from the butt wiping though. One of the bonuses of not having any of my own kids is that I avoided that! 

What does your husband do when the kid bites you? If he's not firmly and swiftly correcting that behaviour I think you're going to have to take it up with him. I don't know what I'd do if I got bitten! I think I'd freak the f out! If he does it when your husband isn't around are you comfortable disciplining him? Can you both agree on a consequence for biting? 

"New Stepmom looking for Advice on dealing with really Difficult Stepkids"

My advice, don't deal with them.  These are DH's little monsters he created so let him do all the dirty work, driving, wiping, catering.  EVERYTHING needs to be deferred to DH.  11 yr old refuses to take the bus, well then he has to figure out some other way to get to school because you're not going to spend your morning shuttling him if DH isn't available.  

I'm guessing the the reason this continues in your home is because you jump right in and rescue poor DH who is only doing this because of mean ol' BM.  

If you want things to change do less and start requiring DH to actually take care of his own kids.  If he wants to take care of them at the highly catered to level they currently expect then great, let him, but let him do it by himself.  You can go the head on discussion route and have a big blow up over it or gradually do less and less.  

I could only imagine what you are going through. Needless to mention the physical exhaustion. But sometimes you need to be tough on them to teach them some lessons. Hope they get matured with time.

5 year old bites AND won’t wipe his own A$$? About the time a 5 year old bites me, he would have a few less teeth- maybe everybody should start biting him back......PLUS, OMG, fast forward 10 years- if DH does nothing, he will have a 15 yr old that bites, has a super dirty A$$, and MUCH worse!!! 

My dentist would have handed my ass to me if i let my 5yo brush their own teeth! The dentist always told me that kids don't have enough dexterity to brush their own teeth until they're about 9 or 10.

Kids at the age of 5 asking for help wiping is normal. Would you rather wash poo streaks out of his undies? My sd needed help wiping her butt until she was 9 ... then she left poo patties (think Hamburger patty size)  in her undies because she refused to even attempt to wipe. 

Biting is an issue,  but with how you describe him, maybe he's emotionally/mentally delayed?

Being rude in general isn't ok, cussing out adults?  Not ok at all. 

Step kid not riding bikes?  Yep,  my sd id 14 still can't ride a bike with or without training wheels.  Dh tried to teach her, she screamed such a blood curdling scream so loud every time she fell, at first i thought for sure that she broke her leg and her bone was popping out of her skin!  Then i realized, thre ws not even any blood, a tiny scrape that was so small there was not any blood what so ever.  So i could care less if this girl ever cries, because i know she cries over everything.

Sd also ws one to always want to know what we are doing, or if we were anout to do anything. I have her a broom and tell her, yea,  your about to sweep the floor. Or hand her a windex wipe and tell her to clean the windows.  She quit asking real quick after that. 

As for the coming and asking what we were talking about, i usually just tell her none of her business, or this is an a and b conversation so c for way out, or i tell her that the adults are taking, she needs to go in the other room.