Major Life Decision: To Stepdad or not to Stepdad
I just joined and am not sure which section to put this introduction / question.. Here goes.
I have been in a relationship with a single mom for 2 years. She is 33 and has a 5 year old daughter. I am deeply, seriously considering if it is a wise choice to move forward into marriage with her. There are complex factors involved in this decision. The added weight of taking on a father role to a child and her welfare being intimately involved has not escaped my notice - I think about it each and every day. I have been divorced once. It was traumatic, and we had no children or assets! I love this woman and her kid. Yet I am gunshy when it comes to the idea of pulling the trigger on legal commitment and could use some feedback and guidance.
I considered marrying her - up until recently when I read a book or two on becoming a stepdad and the harsh reality of the difficulty and statistics set in - A 70% divorce rate! No legal rights to the child! All the reasons that stepparenting is as hard as a normal family and then some! Almost certainly being told "You're not my Dad". Being undermined by the mother with the "My child - what I say goes" card. So, my willingness to marry has wavered. Daunting. I love this woman and her kid. I do not want waste her time if I decide cannot conscienably commit to marriage. Here is a summary of some major positive and negative factors in my particular situation:
POSITIVE: I fundamentally trust her. She is a solid person. She would never screw me over (such as in a divorce context). We have a strong, supportive relationship with healthy communication. We moved into a house together (not mutually owned yet - it's hers, I pay half aka "rent"). I love the house we live in.
She admittedly babied and coddled her little girl, resulting in spoiled bratty self-centered behavior showing up, but I have brought more balance to this. Her daughter and I are also getting close and enjoy each other.
My girlfriend's ex takes the daughter one day a week and gets along amicably enough with mom. He barely earns enough to survive and this will likely not change much, but at least is not in jail.
Girlfriend's parents live nearby and are very nice and helpful. They take their grandchild when needed and provide most gap hours of childcare (ex. pick her up from school and keep until mom gets off work). The Grandparents are well off so the Granddaughter's college is likely going to be taken care of. Thats nice.
NEGATIVE: My partner is on heavy medication for OCD and Anxiety. It works. She functions pretty well and has for years. But has been a total wreck in the past. She has a beautiful, perfect body and obsesses with feeling fat and gross and seeing things wrong that aren't there but overall it is manageable. She is very high strung, needy, and energy intensive at times for sure. She is highly empathetic and compassionate but admittedly very sensitive/oversensitive. I'm blunt and thick-skinned, so that's been a challenge. Also, probably due to her the high strung anxious nature, she disorganized and forgetful and sometimes loses things or forgets to do important things. I help take care that she is attending to important adulting matters. I think we are both a bit ADD and difficult in our different ways.
On top of mom's genes, the child's Dad has bipolar genes. So I am a bit concerned about this child being loaded with ill mental health genetics from both sides! She is super sassy, girly, and emotional at 5.. I am worried about the daughter turning into a monster of a teenager who hates me, understandably! And I have struggled with depression at some level most of my life and can't necessarily "carry" them as a support emotionally or financially.
We are off to a slow financial start. I am 36 and have NO retirement. She has no retirement savings either. We both have student loan debt. She has not figured out her career but may be getting there. This is a bit worrisome due to her impeculious tendencies. Ie she has little mindset for financial saving and pinching and, unchecked, spends frivilously. However, she is aware of this problem and willing to hand the finances over to me.
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I would appreciate any help or feedback. I face this huge life decision of taking on the responsibility and commitment to these two girls and take it seriously. I am not sure how to go about making the right choice. Heart says one thing. Gut/fear says another. Mind is mixed.
Happy Holidays
Well, you are certainly
Well, you are certainly giving this a lot more thought than many people do before they become stepparents. This is what worries me the most:
"She admittedly babied and coddled her little girl, resulting in spoiled bratty self-centered behavior showing up, but I have brought more balance to this."
You can't be the balance. She has to see the need to parent her daughter adequately even without you insisting on it, or you are right, she will be a very difficult teenager. At some point, bio parents who are pushed by their spouse to be harder on their kids than they want to be get resentful and often, passive-aggressive - undermining your attempts at discipline and siding with the child when you request limits be set. If there is a hint of that (her siding with her daughter when she complains about you), that's the issue to address before you get married.
The other part I would be concerned about is that she doesn't quite seem like an independent grown-up, at age 33. Not sure what her career is, financially not very savvy. I think you meant "impecunious", not "impeculious", and that would be a worry, too. Does she share your values in terms of finances? Does she also want to get to work paying off debt and saving for retirement? Money is a big issue that can end a marriage.
The rest seems OK - bio dad is there, isn't interfering, grandparents are supportive, GF has mental health issues but is willing to address them.
Kudos for making such a well
Kudos for making such a well constructed, detailed post. I appreciate your listing the pertinent facts so concisely.
Since I'm just a Joe behind a keyboard with no skin in the game, and because you seem very sensible and appreciate facts, here goes: no, I would not marry this woman for the following reasons
You seem like a logical, pragmatic realist and I love the fact the you actually researched step dynamics and statistics on remarriage with kids.
You have many core differences with this woman. I suggest moving on and partnering with someone without kids, who's educated, has a proven track record of successful adulting, and also possesses an affinity for logic and linear thought. You could build a very high-quality life with such a partner.
So true
’genetic Molotov cocktail’ is bang on the money Julie. You have a great way with words.
The choice of who
The choice of who you marry is the absolute most important decision you will make in terms of lifetime happiness. You can have a job that you really enjoy, great friends, and fun activities, but if your every day home life with your partner is a struggle then your life has a pall cast over it. Many of us here have a good marriage that has issues due to conflicts with children, ex-spouses, and inlaws but the relationship is sound. There is a satisfying love and actual trust that they value us despite them not being the world's best parent and having baggage. Others have marriages where the basic relationship is deeply flawed because the spouse puts the needs of all others far ahead of theirs no matter what. I am talking about during illness/surgeries, deaths of loved ones, job loss, and other serious life events as well as the day to day. They simply never ever come first if little Susie has to be driven to gymnastics or can't find the tv remote. You are very wise to give this long hard thought. Which category will this woman fall into? Choose carefully because nothing less than your longterm happiness depends on it.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the thoughtful feedback.
In rereading my post I am realizing that I probably subconsciously skewed the portrayal of this situation in a negative direction due to the emotional place I'm currently in with it.
So here are a few more positives to add for more accurate context.
- Despite the sensitive emotional nature, she is simultaneously intelligent and rational. That's the paradox of a mature INFJ type. She is simultaneously genetically loaded with OCD/anxiety and some ADD but also quite emotionally mature and self-aware. She displays strength of character and is highly trustworthy and self honest. She has worked hard on her shit and knows and accepts her limitations, so we work things out quite well. Side note for those who know MBriggs: Our male INTP - female INFJ match is said to have the most powerfully natural synergy of all 250+ possible matches. I can feel this as the mental/emotional connection and complementary dynamic we have to each other is a very rare find and worth a pile of gold.
Her frivilous spending habits are not of the superficial materialist type. More, she is the epitome of demestic nest building female. She buys unecessary cute girly stuff like clothes and decor and silly cute unecessary things. She is admittedly somewhat impulsive, but being aware of this she is happy to relinquish control of the budgeting over to me.
She quit teaching and caught a lucky break with a receptionist job and seems to be heading towards a management position and then possible a regional management role which will pay 6 figured. Combined with my doctorate science career we will be good financially but that's a hypothetical.
We have frequent and wonderful sex. And what's more is that she has the philosophy that her man should get about all the sex he wants - even when she doesn't necessarily feel like it -because it is on a typical man's short list of needs and keeps him relatively happy and willing in other areas. As she says, "I really don't have to do much." It's an accomodation. So long as I am not a total asshole, I basically can wake her up at 3am and She's also willing for sex when angry with each other because, even though it won't resolve it, it usually shifts our emotional space so we can. This is a big plus.
Overall there is as much joy and functionality potential here as there are flags and fear factors. Otherwise I would run. But it's what I'd be giving up that gives me huge pause.
I am going to counseling.
You moved in and it’s going
You moved in and it’s going well? No teenager will be stress free, while I was ready to yell run I don’t think that anymore. You both seem to have a handle on your situation and potential pitfalls. It appears to me, based on your thoughtfulness and her willingness to own her sh$: that the two of you may be able to whether life ups n downs together. I think a big issue in stepworld is not knowing what you signed up for and have a bad surprise in who your new spouse or the skid really is. Usually that’s just us being naive. Lost in love. Seems to me all adults and grandparents are good ppl here. That is really the biggest red flag in the bad scenarios.
If both adults can be rational, and communicate well, and listen well.. then I think that’s rare and great. I would discuss what you’ve read about step parenting issues with her. I wouldn’t leave based on an assumption of worst case scenario.
Hi. I agree with your
Hi. I agree with your comments and feel pretty well aware what I would likely be getting into after reading this book "Stepdad 101: What to Know Before You Marry a Single Mom" Book by Stacey James Wheeler (https://www.amazon.com/Stepdad-101-Before-Marry-Single/dp/162865208X). It scared the shit out of me by, I think in large part, telling the unbiased truth, no added sugar.