New...is this Petty?
So I am a BM to a 4 year old daughter and my SO has 2 kids, aged 12 & 14(and they are quite wonderful). I am 27 and my SO is 47. One thing that has bothered me and put a strain somewhat on our relationship is the BM of his kids, more financially. In the begining of our relationship she was quite nice to me,(as the story usually goes) and still is(?). However, ever since we've moved in together, she has suddenly taken an interest in asking for more money and needing her support right away. It never hit me untill we moved in together. She comes from a fairly wealthy and affluent family and I understand the challenges of being a single parent, I get it, Ive been there. It doesnt bother me that she wants support which she deserves, what bothers me is she is being money hungry. She even asked my SO, if all his money was going to me. Ever since she asked that ive lost all respect for her. We use my vehicle to drive down to her place which is like an hour away, to drop off money, she never makes the effort to come down here. So tonight, I found out that my SO is giving her an extra $20 for gas money for her because apparently shes struggling(she is coming down tomorrow to get her support suprisingly)(I dont understand why she cant take $20 from the child support not extra $20 for gas). I became infuriated and said, wheres my gas money for driving down to her place. He said, I filled your tank tonight, I said no, I want her to pay for my gas money.Suddenly she is struggling, suddenly as ie, we start living together, what happened to you suddenly that you need all this money.(Which I get, trust me I get, its just this blood in the water thing I dont like greed). I pointed this out to him. Obviously he isnt getting it. What I dont get is she is loaded, well her family is, so why cant she ask her parents for help for gas. I asked him, why cant you send a cheque to her or money order etc. The banks arent open on the weekends anyways. Cant it wait till Monday. She calls sometimes twice a week which is annoying, since theres no emergency. She recently asked my SO how to transfer a vehicle name, or something, from an old vehicle to a new one. Shouldnt you ask your bf or father on how to do that? Thats the kind of calls or Voice Mails. Theyve been divorced for 11 years. As I mentioned before, ever since she insinuated I was a gold digger underhandedly, ive lost respect. I even mentioned to him that, if the kids want to see you the BM can drive and pick up, I cant do it anymore, since it was always me. Untill it becomes more balanced. I know it sounds petty, just feel like I am alone and getting stressed. Guys dont get it. My daughters father is useless, I even metnioned to my SO, "wow, I must be an idiot I should be asking my daughters father for things that your ex is asking". I read somewhere some good advice that whenever you come to a predicament, you should ask yourself "Do you want to be happy or Do you want to be right?". Anyways, just needed to vent! Thanks!
I wouldn't bit*h over an
I wouldn't bit*h over an extra $20. I would if I had to drive money to her. Why don't they have a child support order with the court? Does he make more money than her? The BM almost always is concerned when the new lady comes because they are no longer the center of attention and no longer can milk daddy unless he continues to allow her to do so. They know there is somebody else with rational mind who will contest the BS. At first the BM will act like she is mother of the year and then until time goes by her true self is revealed. No more driving it to her every week. Poor little princess perhaps she has a bank account and he can deposit it in there. All he needs is her acct number nothing private about that.
HE is the only one who can
HE is the only one who can put a stop to that crap. He doesnt have to answer her calls, there needs to be a support order in place if there isnt one already. And by definition, DIVORCE/break up means that HE is no longer the go to guy for her. She lost that, and HE needs to stop being the got to guy for her. If she calls and ask about stupid crap, like changing over a car, he needs to say i dont know, ask your father and dont call me unless its about the kids. Eliminate all the drama and issues! HE is supposed to be your go to guy now, not hers.
It has taken nearly two years for my SO to get this little fact. And actually, it took us "breaking up" and him wanting to be friends that gave him a reality check. I explained to him i didnt need another male friend, and he would be the LAST person I would call for help and advice. I would be calling my new man, and wouldnt want to complicate my new realtionship, by keeping him in my life.
That really worked, to change his thoughts on it.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your opinions they are greatly appreciated. The issue is, we use my vehicle (thats our only vehicle)to drop off money to her approx every 2 weeks (We live an hour away from the kids and the BM). And I found it absurd that she wanted an additional $20 for gas(apparently she doesnt have any money, parents are millionaires);Because she has to drive down here to get her money, it would be her first time driving to get her money.I know shes renting an apartment etc..were renting a house.
SO got really pissed to the point we almost broke up, I dont care if its $5 or 100$, its the principle behind it. You do it once, theyll expect it in the future.
He actually threw his phone at me on Saturday and said "You call her and you tell her we cant give her the gas money, since you have a problem with it". She wanted to come down and talk about something as well, she wouldnt talk to him on the phone about it. I dont want her to see my place (she has once when we moved in)even though their relationship is quite amicable. I dont want her to get ideas that were living a lavish lifestyle, that were not.But yeah, I am trying to put some rationale into him. Its just very challenging.
The money hungry BS is what I dont like.M my SO cant see the greed ensuing. Perhaps he is blinded by guilt.