I'm new to the site and this is my first time posting. I've enjoyed reading through the discussions and feel better knowing I'm not crazy or alone in my feelings. A little background; I've been with my fiance for 7 years and him and his children have lived with me for 6 of those years. He has a son who is almost 15 and a daughter who is 12. His son and I have a good relationship; he is respectful to me, seems happy to have me in his life and there is an easy flow to our relationship. My relationship with his daughter is very different. When I first started dating my fiancee, his daughter loved to be around me and vice versa. However, that soon changed, not sure why but I suspect because she started realizing that her dad and I were serious and he was not getting back togehter with her mother. Her behavior has always been defiant and disrespectful with tantrums and screaming when she doesn't get her way. Her behavior at school is also terrible.

The kids' mother has never been very involved, maybe seeing them 2-3 times a year, and is currently incarcerated so now she sends letters randomly but that is the only contact. While I feel sorry for my fiance's daughter growing up without her mom; I've about reached my limit of dealing with her constant disrespect. I have always been very involved with both children. My fiancee had his children at a young age and wasn't ready to be a parent. Definitely not making excuses for him, just painting the picture. I am a teacher and it's very difficult for me to be around children and not be engaged and helping. However, I'm wore out from doing it all for a child that vocalizes how she hates me and doesn't want me in her life on a regular basis and it's getting worse as she gets older.

I've read discussions on here and have tried to take the advice I often see about disengaging. I can't completely disengage because there are times when I am home with the children by myself (my fiancee goes to work early and has school at night). I signed up to help him raise his kids but the negative energy and mean spirit she surrounds me with is breaking me down. We are in the middle of planning our wedding and she makes every comment possible to push my buttons and make me feel bad and I'm sick of it. My fiancee is trying but feels like he is in the middle. Now that I have been disengaging more often, he is getting frustrated with me and telling me that he needs my help with her because she needs a woman in her life. He then continues with that she's the child and that I need to be the adult and cut the tension and move on. I've done that for 6 years and it's not helped; it's created a monster who thinks she can do and say as she pleases to me and when I'm the only adult that actually follows through and is consistent with any type of consequence or punishment, I'm always the bad guy. Even the last couple of weeks where I have tried to disengage as much as possible and haven't been the disciplinarian, every time something happens she doesn't like, she's upset with me. She even wrote on her arm with a black sharpie tonight with multiple things such as "Leave me alone Bitch". It's just all exhausting and I'm starting to freak out about it now that we are getting ready to sign contracts to rent venues, caterers and such for the wedding. Any advice? Do I continue to disengage? Do I just try to start a clean slate with her, yet again? Though I'm not sure I even can at this point, I'm feeling very resentful and bitter right now.