The step parent is expected to accept the kids but there is never any expectation for the kids to accept a step parent. Relationships are a two-way street and disengagement is exactly the right response when somebody is treating you so poorly.

It's hard because our spouses the bio parents are put in an impossible situation. Their kids don't accept the new spouse and new kids and they set up this "her or me" mentality. It becomes a situation want their dad to prove that he loves them by choosing them over his new family. If step kids are not prioritized over the new wife and kids they take it as betrayal.

The sick thing is there is absolutely no reason that this choice has to be made. Love is not a finite resource.

When my SD became a teenager she stopped communicating with DH and started refusing a visits. My DH took it at face value when she said she didn't want to see him or talk to him and he gave her her space to make the choice to not want a relationship with him.

It turns out that's not what she wanted at all and she was just playing immature games. By pushing him away she wanted him to fight harder. She wanted him to buy more stuff take her on more trips etc etc. She wanted him to constantly prove his love for her by spending more money on her than on his other kids.

Teenage step kids should be required to have therapy. They pretty much all have abandonment issues and unrealistic demands and expectations of their parents.

Many 'experts' have educations that are not logic based and could not provide a productive effort in the job market if they had to.

A good therapist is worth their weight in Gold. Sadly, many are hacks who are more interested in collecting their fee and expounding on their brilliance than they are interested in delivering what they are engaged to delive by those that employ them. They are employed by their clients.

If you are not getting what you direct your therapist to provide, fire them and find one that delivers.  Same with Lawyers, Doctors, etc...  THEY...... WORK ....... FOR ...... YOU.

To avoid  the miriad complexities in Blended Families... I do my best to be progmatic and keep it simple. Everyone in the mix has to be held to firm standards of behavior and firm standards of performance.   My partner and I set and enforce those standards.  Those who choose to violate those standards, choose to feel the pain of the consequences for their choice.

I generally do not give much throught to the why regarding someone's behavioral and performance choices. I care about the what. Did they comply, or did they not comply?  

I get that divorce, blended family dynamics, visitation schedules, etc.. .are challenging for kids.  That does not forgive unacceptable behavior.

We can love the (S)kids unconditionally. But... unconditional love does not require unconditionally acceptance of shit behavior.

When DH/Daddy comes back from a torture fest with his failed family spawn feeling all butt hurt and guilty after they ply him with their manipulative shit... ask him if he layed out the list of their shit behaviors over the years highlighting what they are continuing to perpetrate on the shit behavior front.  Their fee fees really do not matter. Their behaviors and performance do.

At some point the baggage that we all inherrit from our parnets and family experiences become our problems to solve. Your DH needs to be giving his failed famly progeny that lesson.  You need to keep that in front of Daddy as constantlya nd forcefully as necessary to minimize the pollution the Skids represent in your own family.

Just my opinion of course.

Yes, I agree step parenting is AWFUL.  It is a thankless job and worse, you are expected to have all the responsibility of the parent but with no authority.  The skids don't treat you as a parent either.  You are expected to choke down the skids' sh&tty treatment of you but you are to have no expectation of respect in return.  Or, if you have no kids of your own, then you may get this insult, "Well, you aren't a parent so you don't know what it's like." And you are not allowed to offer any insight into whatever dysfunction is directly affecting you.

I agree with all of the above posts.  Disney does a great job perpetuating the "evil stepmother" image, further making the job of being a stepparent harder.  Skids like to play games for attention.  And many "professionals" who are to offer support and counsel step parents who are in hell have absolutely NO clue about the challenges faced by step parents.  Instead, we are told we are wrong and given methods to get along better with the skids.  Because the skids can do no wrong, didn't ya know??

I left my step situation last year and I have absolutely no regrets.  I will remain single unless I can find a man who has no kids.  And at my age, that'll never happen.  So, singlehood it is.  And I would take loneliness over step hell any day.

My heart goes out to those in stephell because I have been there and it is a lonely place to be.

This site was a gamechanger for me.  I finally found support and compassion from people who understand what it's like to be a step parent. 

I do not. Put all your energy into that kiddo. Make sure that your wills and POA and assets/finances are solid. Have a nice life insurance policy on him.

Because they will not get better and nicer over time. And it doesnt appear that your DH is looking out for YOUR best interests and doesnt really have your back. You are not on the same team.

I would reccomend asking your DH to not share their toxic with you. Disengage from those conversations. I do not like diving into SD23 Feral Forgers mental illness and "where she went wrong". Those conversations rarely do anything except make everyone feel bad. 

I think one of the many issues is that everyone defines love wrong, forgiveness wrong, and many other things. 

My dad is a pastor and I remember him having to counsel ladies who had been physically abused in marriages and they kept going back for more. He would get so upset and he gave me a piece of advice I never forgot,

"Son you can love and forgive someone and STILL call the cops".

While I worked hard to gain the relationship of my SDs my wife had my back and she knew I was not going to tolerate disrespect. If they disrespected me then I had no issue with telling them that I loved them but it is time to go live with your dad. Being that their dad was always gone that was never an option for them. I never put up with that victim mentality crap. 

I know and can empathize that they did not cause a divorce and their life as they knew it got turned upside down. So it is fine to cry about it and be mad about it, but eventually, you have to get over it because it isn't going to change. You can make yourself a victim if you'd like, but guess what, nobody ever follows a victim unless they are clicking follow or like on Tik Tok, which does not matter. 

The ones that figure that out end up having better relationships with all involved and the ones that become victims have niche relationships.

The marriage lasts beyond your children or SKs. They eventually move on, build their own lives, have grandkids, cut you out, etc. At the end of the day and your life, it is you two and it needs to be that way now. With everything my SDs have put me through if my wife had not had my back and I had hers then we would have been divorced 7 years ago and missed out on so much.