Out the window…
My SD and I got in a argument. I called her out on some lies she had been telling friends. Basically things about that we didn't feed her.. her BM calls her names that I won't even repeat (I know she would not call her these names) she didn't like being called out and proceeded to call me a Btch and that she hated me and would not be talking to me.. she is 18 and went to lunge towards me and I said your 18 now u do that you will regret it. She kept yelling she hated me.. I just said well I pay 1/2 the bills if you hate me then leave.. so she left and it's been like 2 weeks . She has several places she can stay at including with her mom. Before this we were all on same page , no more letting her lie, no giving her cash for fun stuff till she gets a job or school. Now BM flipped all that and is basically letting her off the hook. It sucked to call her out , but needed to happen. She has told lies about us and others that are damaging. We have done everything to give her everything we could often sacrificing our needs. I'm really hurt the way she looked me in the eye and yelled I hate you. I also feel she is dangerous with the lies and don't want her in my home any longer. She just wants to be lazy, disrespectful-and so ungrateful. She scares me at times.. idk what to do . My husband also fed up and frustrated just feels bad that it was me to say the things that needed to be said instead of him. I'm pretty heartbroken, I have done so much over the years.. but she seems like narcissistic person. I am also so angry at so much .. the lying especially! I'm starting therapy next week .
Therapy
Therapy is an excellent idea, it will help you a LOT. I went after an altercation with my SDthen14. I believe my therapy changed 7 lives: DH, me and the 5 kids in our blended family but me most.
I know that exasperated, sad, depressing feeling. I felt I did everything possible for my SD, too. She would move in after a fight with BM, then honeymoon period, then DH or I would try to discipline her and she'd run back to BM. Rinse and repeat several times. She's 61 now and still a pain but I'm disengaged and at peace
Good luck with your therapy.
Thank you all!
Thanks to you all! I feel like I'm on an island at times.. my other half understands as much as he can, however he isn't a SP so truly can't. Im hopeful therapy helps. I had been trying to disengage myself. However, Iv had to be the parent through before covid and through graduation as she was a huge struggle to get past the finish line. Iv also had all the normal things moms do, laundry, cleaning, food, holidays kinda just fell into my box so after vesting so much effort found it hard to not be involved. The shitty part is everyone is fine with me being the maid, the chef and the ATM .. but when it comes to calling her out on her bad behaviors and how she treats people .. BM all of a sudden steps up and wants me to be in my lane... however she lives in my home, her negativity and lies and even stealing is happening in my home. I do feel like it wasn't my place to call her out. But I was emotional and hurt terribly by it all .. and have been biting my tounge for so long.. I'm human .. and everyone else including BM, my oldest SS (who was raised same, was great kid now great adult) DH and others all saying same things need to be called out but no one ever did.. instead her coldness kept everyone on eggshells. I do worry her lies would get worse and could become a real issue if she continued to be that way. I feel bad not wanting her in my house but I don't trust her at all. I used to be such a happy, positive person always smiling. I used to be an awesome auntie and I still need closer to my nieces and nephews then I did her. My SS was easy, respectful and kind .. he was a kid he had his moments but everyone does she is like another level. I really think she needs to be committed to her own therapy but she has had one since covid.. and usually skips and lies and says she does it. And also never sticks to any of her medications. Idk I hate to give up on it all iv put 11 years into this but I honestly think she may actually hate me. I'v been kind, not pushy but open and generous. .. im just so defeated and hurt . I feel like iv lost myself and I really liked who I was.. or who I am under all this stress.. I just wish I knew how to let it all go and not care so much.. I feel like that's what a need to do.. cause as of right now I feel as though my physical health is starting to suffer too. At first I lost a bunch of weight now I'm eating my feelings.. old habits .. ugg I think maybe redirecting it to exercise or something more beneficial.
this sucks..
Your reply resonates with me
I felt many of those same feelings - like you, did everything possible then to see it blow up. And, like you, I was successful with my older SS and we still have a good relationship. My SD61 was and still is a sneaky, manipulative liar and thief. She has poor relationships, 2 divorces and 3 kids behind her. One daughter barely speaks to her after SD drained her college fund. A son keeps his distance. The other daughter tolerates her cuz she's needy. Like your family, we walked around on eggshells cuz SD is so "fragile". I won't bore you with the number of times she has moved in and out of here, the final time 6 years ago.
I think I had the fantasy that my mothering influence could mold her. Its been hard to give that up. People are just who they are. I'm not saying change isn't possible. My SD has had and still has psychiatrists and therapists for years. But for therapy to be successful, the person has to 1) want to change and 2) admit their mistakes. SD doesn't want to change and the problems in her life aren't due to her poor judgement, they are the fault of her exes, her ungrateful kids, her cruel stepmother, the stupid bank, the dumb insurance company, etc, ie, she's a victim.
Therapy will be good for you. It's hard to go thru this. Good luck.
I’m so sorry you had this so long..
So sorry you had to deal with this woman so long. 61 and still like that.. such a sad existence. I am disengaging this time for good. I won't play the breadcrumbs game anymore. I think there's people in this world that are givers and takers .. and I think there's usually a balance inbetween. I like being a giver but not to someone that is ungrateful or unwilling to respect me at the very least. I don't know how you did it. She hasn't been back since we argued weeks ago.. she is stubborn so she probably won't for awhile she will stay with her friend or her mother. I honestly would be hesitant to want her to live her again. Obviously if there no other option.. but I'm hopeful that's not the case. How have you dealt with living with her on and off all these years?
It hasnt been easy
To give her credit, there was about a 15-year quiet period when she was with ex#2 and raising their 2 kids (she had another from ex#1). Actually, the credit goes to ex#2 who is a saint. So, the problem times were her teens, moving in and out, before she married at 21. Then, she and her baby moved back when she separated from ex#1. Then the 15-year lull, followed by a descent into drugs and the chaos following her second divorce 13 years ago. She last lived with us a year 6 years ago and never again.
I've done it for DH who loves his only daughter while aware (somewhat) of her flaws. He took on my 2 bios without any hesitation, my ex was a deadbeat dad, no child support, nothing. I owe him big time and so that's how I tolerate SD61. Nowadays, my relationship with her is cooler, polite and civil on my part. That's the best I can summon up right now.
Take care of you.
I agree with JRI. Find a good therapist.
That step life
SK don't care about SM. Well they care about the things they get. From SM. Money, clothes, car. But they don't love there SP, really don't care about there SP. that life, nothing anyone can do about it. SK will never realize what life is about unless they become SP.
No one can understand step parenting unless they are doing it. Non SP have no idea of how it really works. The hold three way thing between BP ....the ex ... SP... That the SP always get the shitty end and are expected to be happy about it. It just doesn't work that way
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Well played.
You called her on her lies, when she got lippy and tried to physically intimidateyou, you gave her clarity.
She left.
Good riddance.