Overstepping?
I'm new here but glad I stopped by. I think I'll get a lot out of this site.
Background: I'm the third wife, my husband has one child (SD15) with (ex)wife #2. SD has an older half sister (17) and a younger half brother (2.5) - BM has three kids with three different husbands. I have no biological children.
Our 14 year old dog (adopted by DH and BM as a puppy) has been having major health issues and we have been walking the line of needing to make a decision to help her over the rainbow bridge. We thought this was going to happen last May and, obviously SD15 wanted to be here. BM "wanted to say goodbye" as well and brought along both of her other children. They stayed for a few hours. Then was posting on social media (actually stole a photo of mine) to seemingly gain sympathy for 'her loss'.
Thankfully, Prednisone worked wonders for our old gal, but other issues have crept in. We thought the time had come last week and were headed to the vet. BM said she would pick SD up after practice and come to the vet so she (BM) could also 'say goodbye'. Now, keep in mind that there is no interaction between BM and the dog. She said (a lengthy) goodbye last year. So now, the expectation is that whenever we need to make that decision, that BM will be invited along to again say her goodbyes.
I made it very clear to DH that I think it's odd and that when the time comes, there will ONLY be DH, SD, and myself in the room (or at the house if we can schedule a house call). He agreed, but why indulge her? Keep in mind that when BM had to make the decision with their cat, he only found out about it afterward.
Am I off base for thinking this is just weird and complete overstepping? Saying goodbye to this sweet soul will be very hard and I don't think it's fair to expect me to be ok with BM inserting herself into this very emotional time.
Oh - and is there a list of acronyms somwhere? Most I can figure out, but some have me scratching my head...
Welcome!
Welcome!
No, BM does not need to be involved, again.
Abbreviations: https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2
BM had absolutely no business
BM had absolutely no business being around the first time and even less business bringing her other two kids with her. Making such difficult decisions for a much-loved pet is NOT a spectator sport. I hope they weren't in your home for this? As for this time ... definitely don't allow her around. It's such a painful thing to have to do, you really don't want outsiders sitting in... and BM IS an outsider.
(((HUGS))))
One big gathering...
Yes, she and her two other kids were in our living room (along with my in-laws) for hours. Talk about AWKWARD!
Did she just invite herself?
Did she just invite herself?
And that poor dog really didn't need such a crowd around.
As far as I know
As far as I know, it was a "I'll bring <SD> and I really want to say goodbye and so does <SD older half sister>" so they just showed up... Assuming DH was asked or gave the OK.
Well, at least now she's said
Well, at least now she's said goodbye so you can tell her that it would be far too stressful for the dog if she decided to say goodbye again and then lay it on thick about how you're sure she has the dog's best interests at heart and will understand ... And Gibbs-slap your husband for me if he gave her the green light. He's supposed to be on your side!
If it was once BM's dog, it's
If it was once BM's dog, it's fair to allow her to say goodbye - but not to be with you when you put the dog down.
Also, so sorry, this stuff is torture. Letting go of dogs is so hard. (Cats too, I've had both).
Agreed
I do agree - it's the way she chooses to do it that I have an issue with. In my mind, she said her goodbye last year (and hasn't had any interaction with our dog since then), so I don't think there needs to be a second go-round.
Thank you. I also lost my 16 year old tabby cat two months ago... Such pure souls.
You have been nothing but
You have been nothing but accommodating towards BM in reguards of the pup. If she said her goodbyes last year with no further interaction...a quick goodbye (which is generous) is more then fair.
BM here used our dying dog (my SOs dog before me but never BMs) as an excuse to come in to our home last year while we were at work..She put my SD on the spot (which she hadn't done anything with for a year and half prior.. I blogged about this story) and asked her to enter our home.. So this is a sensitive subject for me as I understand the pain and grief we feel while losing our beloved pets and then rolls a HCBM on top.
Don't let BM take away your last moments with your dog..
HCBM?
HCBM? I don't see that in the acronym list! So much to learn!
High Conflict Bio Mom.
High Conflict Bio Mom.
Thank you!
Thank you!
I adopted my dog with my XH.
I adopted my dog with my XH. No way am I calling him to "say goodbye" to her.
I know these things can't always be planned, but if it can be, plan it for a time SD is with you all and only let SD know after she is in your home and away from BM. Or plan it so that she can say her goodbyes while she is over and you two take the pupper in after SD goes back to BM's house.
It's wildly overstepping for BM to be involved.
But your XH isn't in your
But your XH isn't in your life on a regular basis, like BM is with the skids. I would have no issue with a sane BM coming over to say goodbye to a dog she loved, personally.
If she's high-conflict? Nope.
Great idea!
Since we are planning on making an in-home appointment to have it done, I will suggest that we make it for a day SD is with us and BM can say a quick goodbye during drop off... I think that meets her request but also allows us space and doesn't give an opportunity for BM to linger...
That sounds perfect to me. I
That sounds perfect to me. I don't know why BM would even want to be there? It so awful to do, I wouldn't want to if someone else who loved the dog would do it for me! I just don't want pets to be alone during that time.
She doesn't need to be
She doesn't need to be involved in putting your dog down if she wasn't involved in the daily care after the split.
When my DH divorced BM took the kid and left him with the dog. She would periodically berate him about the dogs grooming and health (it was a sickly pure bred) but wanted nothing to do with the dog itself. It was just an excuse to get involved in DH's life. He stopped giving her updates towards the end of the dog's life.
Wish it were that easy
The only reason he gives her updates is because the last vet appointment happened on BM's day. I offered to pick SD up at school (we were closer anyway), but she made the decision that she wanted to be there. Which is another issue - he agrees to things that affect me without including me in a discussion/decision.
Well that's a problem! He's
Well that's a problem! He's allowing her to insert herself into this. If your DH has to inform her for some reason then your DH needs to tell her she's had ample time to say goodbye.
If you know this is the next step I think it may be a good idea to put a final appt on the calendar rather than wait for an emergency. Have a time that works for you and if BM really needs to say bye she can do it before, but not at the actual appt. I don't think I would tell her until after the fact thought. Wrap up your doggie in the blanket and send her a picture.
This is what I did with my dog. I knew it was the end so I made an appt a week out and enjoyed that final week with her then let her go before she was too bad off or in pain. Sometimes it's more merciful to let them go while they still have dignity and you can make sure it's a peaceful setting. The dog doesn't need a circus of people in the room stressing her out.
Boundaries
Yes, boundaries have been a constant topic lately and I'm finding my voice to speak up for myself and how I feel.
This is a classic move in the GUBM handbook
Ask yourself if the fur baby would benefit from having BM there? The answer is no.
A GUBM is going to take every opportunity to be relevant in her ex husband's life. She doesn't care about the dog. She wants attention. It isn't about her. It's about the beloved dog having a peaceful, non stressful transition from this world to the next with those he loves most by his side and only those he loves most by his side.
Dog Lover Here
You have been gracious in letting the BM say her goodbye. I also love your newest attempt to help this issue...to let BM drop off SD and she can come in and say a quick bye but she needs to be GONE when the time comes. She is not a part of the dog's life anymore. As someone who has had to help send multiple dogs to the Bridge, no way would I want anything negative or giving me anxiety in the room. I want my full attention on my dog.
Stand your ground. Let your DH be clear with what will happen or she isn't welcome.
Your BM makes me want to puke. How disgusting to impose herself on such a situation. Sick.
I say you were indulging to
I say you were indulging to allow the long goodbye session last time. This BM doesn't even interact with the dog, correct? Like, has she cared for the dog or spent any time with it since the last time she said her long goodbye? Don't involve her this time unless she actually provides care for the dog (like if it goes back and forth with the kid.)
Sounds totally weird for her
Sounds totally weird for her to be there again IF 1. She's already did a long goodbye last May and 2. She never again interacted with the dog between then and now.
This is manipulative bullshit
This is manipulative bullshit pure and simple. Do not mistake this for anything else.
Neither BM nor SD should be allowed any say, to make any demands, or in any way extend this dog's suffering or your and DH's coping processes regarding helping and grieving the transition of your loved elderly pet.
That any of this crap has been allowed to happen at all much less actively facilitated is mind boggling to me.
My condolences on your dear dog's impending trip over the rainbow bridge.
And checked the FAQs for the acronym definition.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
SD has grown up with this pup
SD has grown up with this pup, they've slept together every night, the pup is essentially her dog and it will be extremely heartbreaking for her. The timing will be a decision between DH and me, but SD will aboslutely be present to say goodbye and for us to help her grieve. As an update, I've mentioned this to DH and he is amenable to allowing a quick goodbye at drop off and declining further involvement by BM.
Fingers crossed this is actually what happens...