PAS from NCP? advice please
And so it starts...
Last week DH and I had a discussion with BM about SD's issues in school and getting suspended from the after school program. BM was all on board, and even suggested a consequence above what we had laid out.
Tonight, during her telephone parenting time, she was telling SD how she did not think the grounding was fair, and how DH was interfering with her communication with SD by not allowing her the computer etc.
BM just jumped back in the picture in August, after 7 years of being MIA. I am wondering if these are her first PAS attempts, or what her motivation is. I sat SD down after she told me what was being said and explained to her that it is not appropriate for BM to make those kinds of comments to her, they need to be addressed with DH, and gave her a brief age appropriate (she is 10) breakdown of what PAS is.
When BM first came back we were having similar issues with her telling SD she was her only mother and trying to force SD to call her Mom etc (I have raised SD since she was 5, and am called Mom). When DH addressed this with her, and SD told BM I was her mother and not to make her feel bad, BM kind of stopped those attacks.
Has anyone saw PAS issues starting and recognized it for what it was? If so how did you deal with it? I also posted this as a blog, but need as much input as I can get.
Oh, and I did put a status message on FB about how disgusting PAS was, with a link to an article about it. BM and I are "friends" so I know she will see it. HEHEHEHEHE....
I think you are pulling that
I think you are pulling that kid in too many directions...
Talking to a 12 year old about adult issues...to me is way too much
for a 12 year old to handle...
Regardless of how long BM has been gone...she is still your SD's mother..
It should be up to the child on what she wants to call her own BM...
I don't think this is PAS...I think this is adults that can not communicate..
Leave the kid out of it...settle it with BM, DH and you..
It is totally up to SD what
It is totally up to SD what she wants to call BM. I have even asked her how she would like me to address BM to her.
The issue here is BM saying one thing when DH and I talk to her about SD's actions, then turning around and bashing DH and I's discipline choices to SD. From my understanding of PAS, that counts. DH tried to work with BM and give her a voice as a parent, she chose to use that to make up look bad to SD.
Her motivation is to convince
Her motivation is to convince your sd that she is more likable than you or her father. She is trying to befriend her because she has already lost the mom role. My son is 10, and I could and have discussed these kind of mature topics with him. It worked out because it removes the confusion that kids experience when we pretend they aren't old enough to handle it. Would you rather leave them wondering wth is going on, or give them some insight so they can better understand and move on with kid stuff? It all depends on each child's maturity level. But I think the argument for PAS is weak, especially since she is the NCP and has VERY little say or impact. I would say she is probably a passive-aggressive parent, but as long as she does not get custody, there is very little to worry about.
The mind games make me mad.
The mind games make me mad. It is not fair to SD to play these games with her. I think BM should focus on her relationship without trying to make DH or I out to be the enemy.