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Percent of women who feel like their H. supports them when Hs family mistreats them

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:32am

Forums: 
General Discussion

I'm asking women specifically because I posted a similar survey in Cafe mom. I'm curious at how the general population of mom's compares with step moms.

If you are interested, please pick a choice and feel free to comment however you wish. I'll post the results when I'm done.

Question: Is your husband supportive of you when His family mistreats you?

Always

Never

Rarely

Usually

Sometimes

Other

They don't mistreat me

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 3:44am

NEVER. In fact unfortunately it is worse than him just not supporting me. He actually defends and excuses their mistreatment of me, and even worse again, he will somehow find a way of making it all my fault. ie: Well so what if they said/did that. Who cares, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO SENSITIVE. That an a million other stupid things will flow like honey from his mouth in defence of his rude family.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 8:43am

i had no idea fdh was seeing you, too! Wink seriously, mine is the same way. i guess it's easier to believe we bring it on ourselves than to admit that there are some assholes in their families.

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 4:14am

They don't mistreat me generally. They undermind him. If I get underminded, he always has my back.

HarleyQuinn's picture

Submitted by HarleyQuinn on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 7:48am

they don't mistreat me. but on the one occasion that was crossing the line, he gave them 2 full barrels. he's got my back big time-thank god!

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 7:57am

They don't mistreat me.

The one time his sister got a little snippy with me though, he lit into her.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 8:41am

i'm going to say never. fdh's uncle, daughter, and sm have all caused trouble for us, as well as 2 of his friends. he never says anything to them about what they've done but he jumps all over me for defending myself to them. apparently i'm supposed to keep the peace at all costs. right down to allowing them to shit on me and cowering in a corner instead of standing up for myself. i let him know that after 7 years, he damn well ought to know me better than that. i told him if he doesn't like how i defend myself, than maybe he should handle the situation. but as long as he does NOTHING, i will continue to let them know that their shit will not be tolerated by ME. he is another story.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 8:57am

I think I'll change mine to "never" too.

The only time he stuck up for me to his family consisted of a gentle question he posed to his mother once after 5 yrs of anger and bullying. that's the end of it.

I'm sorry, after reading these posts I feel ripped off. I thought the distant guilty father was more common after reading stepmonster.

My H is a great man in many other ways but not having my back is really a bitter pill to swallow.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 9:17am

i feel for you. i get so sick of fdh saying they are his family. then what the fuck am i? i guess i don't count because i'm not blood? i told him that I am his family now, and i should get the same respect he gives the assholes who don't even deserve it. it took me being ready to move out because i'm sick of his family being able to treat me however they want to that prompted him to send a mass email to them about what they did. but it was very general and he didn't call anyone out specifically. it was a lame attempt. more has happened since then, and once again, they are not to blame.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 4:52pm

thanks, it feels to me that since it didn't happen to my H, then it doesn't really matter that much. I really think it's a lack of ability to empathize. I understand that men are different but the extent that he's failed to take any action speaks volumes to me.

I think it's good that your H. sent out that email but what's the point if he doesn't back it up? It sounds like he was reacting to your leaving more than his belief that they shouldn't treat you that way. I hope he wakes up and realizes he needs to stick up for you!

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 7:00pm

thanks, i hope he wakes up too. he seems to think it's better to have me pissed off at him than to put his relatives and 2 asshole friends in their place. i just can't wrap my mind around how i am wrong to defend myself AFTER they are shitty to me, but they are not wrong for doing it in the first place. or rather, not wrong enough to say anything to. he will admit they shouldn't say or do whatever it is, but he still won't put them in their place. nice to know that i'm the insect under the totem pole rather than at the top of it with him. >:(

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 9:26am

I guess I'm a rare and lucky one--I have to say 99%. He cut off his own sisters for their BS to me. I say 99% because he kept the door open a crack.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 9:38am

Always...but that is NOW! After about 12 years, the first 8-10 he did not fully support me...the first 6-7 I would have said NEVER, then the next 3 SOMETIMES...now, ALWAYS.

I have to say that in my first marriage, I had similar issues with my husband's family. They expected me to support them financially while they didn't work. My first husband NEVER supported me in 4yrs, thus the reason that we eventually divorced...or one of the many reasons. Heck, his mom used to steal from me everytime she came over, he never believed me. I finally CAUGHT HER while he was there and he SAW IT and he STILL did not support me. Then she got caught stealing at a local Marshall's store...and he expected ME to pay for her lawyer! lol Incredible.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 10:48am

Never in the sense of noticing it when it happened. Rarely in the sense that if something was pointed out to him, he commented back to them. Usually he dealt with it by listening reasonably sympathetically to me, then doing nothing about it. On the other hand I am a grown adult and could argue with them myself if I wanted to. I have not pushed him to do something because that is not my style. In the end I too have dealt with it by inaction, but in my case including quiet disengagement. I used to propose visits to them because of my biokids but now I keep quiet. He is as neglectful of them as he is of everyone else, which is fine.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 10:49am

I mean neglectful of their need for contact. He is actually not at all neglectful when in one's company but he has a blind spot for under-the-radar interaction.

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 11:37pm

Never

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 3:08am

I don't think there was enough data to get an accurate picture but it's interesting that stepmoms feel less supported in general but also score higher in the husband's family "mistreats them less" category. I count skids in husband's family myself. Was that the case with those who said their H's family didn't mistreat them?

Poll Results

Question: Is your husband supportive of you when His family mistreats you?
CAFE MOM STEPTALK

Always
53% 14%

Never
2% 43%

Rarely
9% 5%

Usually

11% 10%

Sometimes

13% 0%

Other

0% 0%

They don't mistreat me

9% 29%

Total Votes:

43 25