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Planning around stepkids and their biomom

MissMaryMack's picture

To begin with, let me just say that biomom has been an issue from the very beginning.... won't get into all the details it's way to much! 

We have the stepkids every other week from Wednesday to Wednesday. There is no switching up the schedule at all or working with her period. We have asked to get them an hour early before and been told no. She is a control freak and refuses to compromise about anything. We have my kids 50% of the time too but luckily their biodad is very easy going and he and I try to work together to always do what is best for the kids and what will benefit them. 

Anyway, long story short, my mom, brothers, sisters in law and nephews are planning a week long vacation in the mountains in December. There is only one week that we could all make happen with our work schedules. My mom is also insisting on paying for the cabin rentals. The week we are going cuts into half a week that the stepkids would be back with their mom. It's also a few days that my bios would be with there dad. But again, it's the only week that worked for all the adults and I'm not the one planning this vacation or paying for it. So DH emails his ex yesterday explaining the situation and asking if we can have the boys the entire week after Christmas so that they can be included in this trip. He even told her he would be willing to give up his time on Christmas Day, she could keep them for that entire Christmas holiday, if we could take them the week after from Monday to Saturday. She immediately emailed him back and said no. That he "is well aware" of their schedule their set schedule and that's not it and she's not switching anything. 

Sucks but what can we do? So when the boys came back to our house this morning the older one immediately started in on me with an attitude. He said he heard that my mom had planned a family trip but that he and his brother can't go. And I said yeah, it really sucks we wanted you guys there but your mom will not allow us to switch any time with her. He responds "Well my mom said if your mother had really wanted us to go she would have planned it when we are with you guys. So it's fine." I told him that was not an option. That they all planned this around the adults' holiday work schedules and that everyone can not plan around his mother's set schedule. 

So now he's had an attitude with me all day and is being a little shit head. I texted my husband and let him know and all that accomplished was him feeling guilty and saying maybe we should try to get my mom to do it another time or maybe he will just stay home since the boys can't go. In my opinion, that is ridiculous. Yes, it sucks they can't go but there's nothing I can do about it and I am not going to tell my mother and my entire family to try to rearrange their plans. Am I wrong? If anyone could offer me some advice it would be greatly appreciated! 

JRI's picture

Continue with the existing plans.  I would refer any comments or insults to DH (" Your dad will explain it").  He can explain that BM chooses to follow the CO to the letter, no deviations.  Grandma has arranged the trip at the only time her children can all attend and is paying for it.  So sorry guys, maybe another time.

JRI's picture

Perhaps the boys might want to persuade their mom to allow this deviation.  Of course, neither you nor DH would dream of suggesting that.

Gimlet's picture

It's like they are trying to raise an entitled brat, FFS.

Your family set up this trip as best they could and they were 1. gracious enough to include your husband's kids and 2. even more gracious to pay for it, and your DH has the audacity to ask if the whole f*cking thing can be about his kids??

At this point, I would leave them all at home and enjoy your time with your kids and family.  It's not your fault that they have chosen a stupid schedule and that their mother isn't willing to be flexible. 

Or your husband can drive separately and have the kids back to their mom on time.  But given his response, I'd be more tempted to leave them at home.

I also wouldn't be explaining another damn thing to SS, like JRI said you can refer him to his dad.

SteppedOut's picture

This. You shouldn't havr defend yourself or family to your dh's kid with a bad attitude. 

How unbelievably self important must bm/skids be to think an entire extended family should schedule around them. That is freakin rich. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're absolutely not wrong, and I'd tell your DH this:

"I am absolutely not telling my mother to re-arrange this trip. BM won't change the schedule so the boys can't go. You can tell them that, and I expect you to tell them that so they don't think ill of my family. If they continue to be rude, I will revoke all future engagements with my family with them since it is NOT my family's fault. Understood?"

Thumper's picture

Years ago, I learned,  do not  ask for any changes and do not give any changes to a court order with a high conflict ex.  Once you do, all hell can break loose. This right here,  is a good example.

You guys walked right into that one. AND bm took that time to chuck dh right under the bus. Leaving the kids mad at you AND dh.  It was rather awful of BM.

I am sorry. Your mom is doing something very generous.  DH will have to stay home with the kids. BM's colors sure did come through.





advice.only2's picture

BM is a tool bag for even telling the boys. It's her choice to stick to the CO, but she didn't need to go tell the kids that. What a jerk.

As for DH he needs to not parent out of guilt and teach his kids reality. "No your mom won't work with me on this and that's her right since it's her visitation time. Sometimes we don't always get what we want in life, and this is a prime example of that. Now you go apologize for being rude to MMM as she has nothing to do with planning this trip or your inability to attend it!"

Esperanza's picture

What PITA of BM! I feel for you, sometimes BM also acts like this and absolutely mental as it makes ZERO sense.

your skids are being extremely rude and spoiled though and that sort of attitude shouldn't be tolerated by your DH, he should put them in their place !

strugglingSM's picture

You're not wrong. We deal with the same BM and if skid gave me attitude about it, I'd tell him that the world doesn't revolve around him and his schedule. Ugh! What a jerky kid. I can see my overly dramatic SS doing the same thing. 

ESMOD's picture

There are really only two outcomes here.. assuming that BM won't take the kids for half of the week either.

1.  Dad stays home with his kids and makes the parent transition on wednesday as required.

2.  Dad goes with you and brings his kids but leaves early so that he can get them back for Wednesday exchange time.  I don't know if it's feasible to have him drive back and then return to the cabin.. If it's maybe 4 hours or less each way.. it is a pain.. he will lose a day of the trip in the driving.. but it "could" be done.  

If it is logistically impossible for him to make a round trip.. then you are kind of left with either him staying home with his kids.. or driving separately and leaving early.

It's clear BM is in the boy's ear a bit.. and I think his dad needs to explain that the world doesn't revolve around his personal schedule.. that if his mom could be flexible.. he could go.. but that isn't possible and it's his mother's right to refuse changes.  Just one of the breaks.

ndc's picture

Did your husband seriously entertain the thought that your mom should plan the trip for another time,  and then actually say it out loud? That's unbelievable.  

You are not wrong, and of course you should not even suggest to your mother that there's an issue.  She has enough people to plan around; unrelated stepkids should be the least of her worries. 

Is BM just not willing to let your DH have the kids for her days, or is she also not willing to take them for his? How far away is the vacation spot?  If the vacation spot is within a reasonable drive (for me that would be 4-5 hours), I'd have DH drive the kids home to BM or pick them up from her and bring them back to the vacation spot (I'm not sure whether BM's time comes at the beginning or end).  If it's not a reasonable distance and BM will keep them for DH's time,  then I'd just leave the skids out of the vacation and let DH explain why and tell them the world doesn't revolve around them.  If BM won't keep them for DH's time and it's too far for him to travel to pick them up or drop them off,  I'd go with just my kids and leave DH home with his.   I would not miss vacation time with my family because DH procreated with a b**ch.

In any event, DH should put a stop to the attitude his kid is giving you.  YOU and your family are not the cause of this. 

MissMaryMack's picture

We will be flying to TN from FL. BM told DH she will gladly keep the skids for a few extra days if that's what we decide. I am perfectly fine with that obviously. He feels guilty and has been moping around since this whole conversation happened. As you said, the fact that DH decided to procreate with a b**th does not mean that I'm going to miss out on time with my family or feel bad that his kids don't get to go!!! 

bananaseedo's picture

What a ba beotch.  I would be grateful for the extra days break.  Apparently she's very unreasonable.  I like the options you have been given by others here.

Point 1- If  you haven't had a lot of in/out of court messes-he could take the chance of keeping them the extra days and betting on her not going through the motions for contempt.  Most cops won't' care to enforce a court order if a parent already has 50/50 and it's during holidays times.  He can just shut his phone off and take the kids phone, take the wrath when he gets back.  Again, only if she won't go to court-even if she does, it's ONE contempt charge where he already showed he tried to negotiate, most judges won't take kindly to her trying to ruin a family vacation.

Point two- your dh is absolutely bonkers for even suggesting your mom should change her dates (and rest of the family) because of his crazy ex and bratty skids.  He's also bonkers for even suggesting ALL of you should suffer because his previous family craziness.  Why on earth would you/your kids have to pay the price for him sticking his *ick in crazy?  Dont' think so. It's YOUR family time/dime they were generously invited to.

Point three- do what others suggested-also not sure which part of week belongs to mom. So if it's at the beginning- you go w/your kids and your family and they join you later in a separate vehicle.  Or if it's at the end and he doesn't just want to keep them (point one)- he goes back early with the kids-whether he's return (depending on distance of cabin) or not is his choice.  

Point four: Keep kids with him the entire week you are gone and they get none of the fun-and I'd make sure to tell them WHOSE fault it is. 

Winterglow's picture

OMG, he really is a case, isn't he? His kids should be the main concern? Time to explain to him that, in this case, his kids are an optional extra, not the main feature. 

Rags's picture

Not an unusual conundrum in blended families.  We had to work through it.  My SS had 7wks of long distance visitation per year with his SpermClan.  5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring.  My family would occasional schedule family trips during SS's SpermClan visitation in the summer.  Not to exclude SS. They were always scheduled around adult work schedules, etc....

My DW initially would not participate if SS was away on visitation.  I finally informed her that I would no longer miss my family's trips due to her guilt feelings about SS not being involved.  I also let her know that I expected her to participate.  She is my wife which trumps being SS's mom.  She did attend and over time even came to look forward to Skid free time, adult trips with me and with friends, and participating in my family's trips with or without SS... based on his COd visitation schedule.

If we did things while he was on visitation that we thought he would enjoy, we would do them again with him at a later time.

Skid's schedule should not be tolerated to interfere with the lives of the adults or anyone else in the blended family.  SKids with visitation schedules do stuff that those back at home do not get to experience.  

This is entirely a non issue IMHO. If it isn't, it should be.

Mamabearof3's picture

The fact his son got away with speaking to you like that is insane. If DH doesn't go because of their feelings that's ridiculous. Nobody but BM is at fault here. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Your Skids (and eventually your DH) must be told that world doesn't revolve around them. 
Your DH must explain that what is scheduled from YOUR mother is scheduled according to HER and HER adults children. Invinting them to join YOUR family is something really generous from YOUR mother and that you tried to include them. 
DH should add that Infortunately THEIR mother didn't want to arrange anyone, including them. That her reaction teaches you a lesson, and that from now, they won't even be informed if something happen or is planned when they are not on visitation.