PLEASE HELP US: My 3-year-old won't have anything to do with his step mom that he has known half his life
My 3-year-old son ignores my partner and it is beginning to tear her apart.
My kid has known my partner for 1½ year – half his short life. There is nothing she would not do for that child. She loves him to death in spite of the fact that he NEVER gives her anything back. He will wriggle away from her if she attempts to hug him, he'll scream at her, hit her, talk back to her. He is only ever polite to her if I tell him to be. He never gravitates to her for comfort even though she dresses him, changes him, bathes him, feeds him, reads aloud to him in the evening, and just generally partake in parenting with me. My partner is great with kids and all other kids love her. She has been so patient with him, acknowledging that relationships take time to form. But yesterday she had a breakdown after he said something especially mean to her.
We have him every other weekend Friday afternoon to Monday Morning, and every other Wednesday afternoon to Thursday morning. That's 4 nights out of 14. We have a civil but very strained and non-communicative relationship with his mother.
We want to know why this is and what we can do????? Any dos and donts?
PLEASE HELP!!!
Why are you jumping to the
Why are you jumping to the conclusion that the BM is telling him not to like the SM? How do you know SM is not pinching the kid when dad is not looking? SM could be a skid hater like at least two members on this site that purposely do things to make their skids uncomfortable and miserable at their homes.
My three year old went through a phase that lasted several years where she was not happy to go to others. She did not want anyone outside of myself, my mom, and her "dad". She did not even want to hang out with her favorite uncle. This could just be a phase this child is going through. You don't know how the upheaval of his parents not being together and dad being with someone other than his mom is. Kids are resilient but they don't all just go with the flow.
Pinching the kid when dad
Pinching the kid when dad isn't looking?? Are you for real with that? This kid is 3 and the OP said that the SM is trying to do everything she can for the kid. Let's start with the obvious and work our way to crazy on this one...
When we have women come on
When we have women come on this board and make crazy statements about how they hate their skids and life would be better without them and then these women say how they restrict the skids in their homes down to the food they eat that makes me wonder if the problem isn't some of the SMs. The fact that everyone thinks it is ok to have a kid ask his dad to get him food and ask his dad to take him to the bathroom to me is CRAZY!
In my state we have a SM going on trial for murder. People have said she loved her SD. She loved her SD so much she made her run in 100 degree heat for three hours with no water. All because the SD ate a candy bar. WTF? Sadly this is not an isolated incident. How about the SM that killed the SD because she just didn't like her? Clueless dad let this woman punish his daughter by locking her in her room all the time and not letting her out except to go to school. When this wasn't enough the SM killed her. Dad thought SM loved his daughter too.
I am just sick of the go to on this site always being BM must be doing something wrong. You can say maybe or perhaps BM is saying things but to outright say BM is doing something when you do not know these people at all nor have you spoken to them, just heard dad's story then yeah I am going to call you out for it.
I understand that SA I do but
I understand that SA I do but I am shocked that Tog of all people would phrase it as an absolute and not give any other possibilities. If Tog is wrong but OP thinks she is right and says something to the BM then OP will have taken a stranger's comment as gospel and most likely destroyed that civil relationship with BM. There will be consequences, such as BM deciding to PAS or BM had no idea SS has problems with SM and does now and will find a way to use it against OP.
I just hate that people jump to conclusions especially after seeing two SMs post they would be better off it their skids and BM did not exist. WOW!
I tend to agree with her. The
I tend to agree with her. The kid is three. A three year typically will respond favorably to anyone who is kind to him/her. From the babysitter, to the mail man, to the Sunday School teacher, to Grandma.
^^^This is why I mentioned what is SM doing when dad is not around. Just as skids will be hateful when parents are not watching so too will a stepparent.
I think it'only 'fair' to
I think it'only 'fair' to state the first example you used was not only an evil SM running the child to death. The child's grandmother was right there, witnessing the incident. A neighbor was also watching this from afar. This was not a case to compare with a SM secretly abusing a child unbeknowest to family memebers
No it is an evil stepmom and
No it is an evil stepmom and more than one person complained about the abuses of this woman. The whole system FAILED that little girl! I am also sure that woman started her abuse quietly and then ramped it up as she continually got away with it. Also the neighbor said if she had known the girl was not playing and that the stepmother was forcing her she would have stopped it.
How do you know SM is not
How do you know SM is not pinching the kid when dad is not looking?
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This made me lol. Not because I think it is happening...just the way you put it out there. lol
.
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I agree with the others, how
I agree with the others, how is the relationship with the child's mother?
I agree with the others. Make
I agree with the others. Make sure mom isn't feeding lines first before you go to crazier options. In my case the bm has been feeding my sd lines for years. Luckily sd spends more time confused as to why. My sd has a firm attachment to my family- to her my sister is the best step aunt ever and my mom is the best step grandma ever. It gives me a lot more stable footing.
Discourage the name calling if you can.
Around that age my sd went through a phase where she wouldn't touch me or talk to me if she was upset. I decided a backseat view was best. Dad took care of all parenting... I didn't even put her to bed unless she wanted me to. I only played when she wanted me to and I didn't actively try to start a conversation. It allowed her time to adjust. It wasn't that she hated me... she was just more attached to mom and dad. Just give him some breathing room from your partner for a bit
see if that helps.
As a note- my sd pulled out of that stage by 4. She's a darling, just very confused. Tell your partner she's not alone. I've been there, especially at the breakdown point!
If OP goes to the BM and says
If OP goes to the BM and says he knows the skid ignores SM because she is PASing the skid it will make the situation worse. If BM was not PASing the skid she sure as hell will be now and his strained civil relationship will no longer be strained and civil. At best it will be non-existent but more likely will be a full scale war because you ladies jumped to conclusions and blamed the BM. No wonder so many of you can't get along.
This kid is three and his parents have been apart for more than half of his life unless OP is a cheater and went from one woman to another that is enough to upset any kid. Add in another person with his dad that based on the timeline showed up right away and you have a recipe for disaster. Did OP gradually introduce the SM to his kid or did he set up house right away and bring his son over to play happy family on day one? Kids don't want to replace their parents and I cannot see any child walking out of his mother's home and walking into his father's and being ok with a stranger replacing his mother. But yes I am the crazy one because I want to know the truth instead of jumping to conclusions and bashing BM.
I know a guy that everyone said was awesome with kids and would never hurt them. He beat the crap out of his SD everytime the mother was not looking. Because the kid wouldn't love him and didn't like being with him. We found out later he used to pinch the ears of his former SS and the SD had a huge hematoma on her ear that this guy probably caused. The SD was 18months old. Some kids don't warm up to people, it is not always the BM.
she dresses him, changes him,
she dresses him, changes him, bathes him, feeds him, reads aloud to him in the evening,
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Maybe...just maybe...he would want his father to do these things with him....?
You said you only have him 4 night out of 14...why are you letting SM have most of the responsibility for parenting this child on YOUR time? I would say she needs to back up a bit. You need to step up a bit. And see if that helps.
Just to clarify, when I say
Just to clarify, when I say "she dresses him, changes him, bathes him, feeds him, reads aloud to him in the evening", then I am not saying that I am not doing these things. Mostly I am doing these things, but she certainly takes on many tasks from time to time. We share in it, which we have found the natural thing to do.
Tommy!!!! It is NOT a natural
Tommy!!!! It is NOT a natural thing for her, that is the whole point! If the child is yours and hers - YES- NATURAL.Doing those things for another woman's child is NOT.Sadly many men don't understand the different dynamics of step families and think it is all just like in a core family.But that is not the case.She should not feel that she should naturally do "her part" because there is no "her part"!! If she sometimes feels like she wants to help you or do you a favour, this is totally different and WILL feel different to her than those high expectations. You son is already hostile and mean towards your partner, if your marriage means anything to you, sit down to her and create a new schedule that takes away the pressure of her and will have you as the main caregiver for your child, not her.And be strict with your 3 year old that he is not allowed to treat your wife like this.
Almost 5 years ago my xh and
Almost 5 years ago my xh and I split. My boys were old enough to know what was going on but young enough to not know how to deal with things. Now my bs15 tells me that at 10 he wanted to spend time with both of us parents but he didn't like having two beds, two homes, etc. it was confusing and exhausting. I am sure a young child of 3 would have similar feelings but not be able to voice those feelings. He probably gets over tired and confused as to what is going on and how to act. I would agree with the sm taking a back seat role for now too until the child is older and able to participate with sm on his own terms. Also 3 yr olds can be very stubborn and trying hard to gain their own autonomy without knowing how to express their feelings. They do this with their own parents too but in different ways. When my 18 yr old was 3 he always said "NO" to me but since I was his mom I didn't question whether he liked me or not, I just let him run free and knew he was just showing his independence. Look up Dr Brazelton on the internet and read some of his books. He was the child psychologist that got me through parenting woes!
I agree with the others. The
I agree with the others. The SM should back off and the BF should do more of the daily responsibilities until Ss warms up to her.
IF SM is in some way pinching or abusing the boy the BF should be able to see this if he takes on more of the childs care.
IF BM is PASing out the kid and SM withdrawals from his daily care than that should make a difference too.
Maybe the BF can spend some time talking to the kid 1-1 and find out what is going on with the child.
Counseling is also an option.
Why are we so quick to blame
Why are we so quick to blame SM or BM? Maybe the kid just doesn't like the woman. He should be required to respect her, but he can't be forced to like her.
You know what, you are right.
You know what, you are right. This kid can certainly not like her. My daughter has people she just doesn't like and my SS too. At three it is hard for a child to explain themselves. It could also be a phase. There are many reasons for this behavior.
Realitycheckmom, your idea of
Realitycheckmom, your idea of pinching SMs made me laugh because of that episode of Southpark where Butters was being beaten up by his Grandma on the down low!!!! Lmao
Im going to Hell.
But seriously, my own mum would be very nice in front of people and pinch and poke me when people turned away.
It could go either way.
It could go either way. Perhaps its a bitter mother. Perhaps its a SM that doesn't really want to be one and communicates that to the child.
There is no harm in considering all possibilities.
yes- we can't always blame BM
yes- we can't always blame BM please.Many of us are BMs and SMs, so where is the logic in blaming someone in the BM role for everything??
Three year olds are
Three year olds are difficult, one min they like you the next they don't. They just go through stages, just like my 4 year old daughter she wants me to do stuff for her sometimes and other times she wants her daddy to. It may not be he doesn't like her, he may just be trying to tell you he wants you to do them for him and her to step back and let you two have father and son time together.